Ghost of Betrayal

A random piece that came out of nowhere. I decided I wanted to write a more story-based poem, and this is what I came up with. xD

When I glance to see the hole in me,
That spans what seems like miles.
I part a sea of strange disease,
That trickles from my smiles.
It floods my lungs, and the ladder rungs,
Get slick with the sick and vile.
I am falling now, can't grip the bow,
As the waters hear my wiles.

They hold me close like a lonely ghost,
As they speed their roiling path.
I hold my breath, but the creeping death,
Won't flee just for my wrath.
I've lost the blood to the river mud,
And ease in to the crimson bath.
I do not know what awaits below,
As I am hurtled through the strath.

I can't say when, the naked men,
Found me sprawled on their foreign shore.
All I can tell, is I've gone through hell,
And can not see where the lead did bore.
Their faces dumb, as they danced and sung,
Round my bed as the fires roared.
My belly burned and my innards churned,
I will not die, to the gods, I swore.

After many moons had seen them swoon,
The men saw their captain fair.
Tall and thin, with a wicked grin,
No wounds where they should be there.
But the captain laughed, as their jaws all slacked,
For the wounds were not his to wear.
He had his fun, and when the deed was done,
His body crumbled into the air.

Reviews

[Jessica Lynn Polley]

I love this poem...Like I think it is my favorite poem I have read on this sight and it makes me excited to read more of your work. It is like the man traveled through hell and came to in a different universe all together where battered bruised he learned the answers to all of life greatest questions and when he came back he was not a man but something either more or less I am not sure. You writing is so descriptive I saw it all play out in my head. Great Job!

[Joshua W. Harris]

Thank you so very much for this review, Jessica. I am honored that you would think so highly of this piece. I wasn't so sure that it was one of my better ones, but if you have gotten such potent enjoyment from it, I have hopes that it is indeed a decent piece. The main goal for this piece (an experiment, in a way) was to transport the reader through a descriptive story, though in as little words as I could use. I wanted to have a beginning, a plot, and a solid ending, and I am so very glad you took so well to it!

[Jessica Lynn Polley]

Well if it was an experiment I would say it was a success.

[brian mclaughlin]

a man who floats through the rapids is oft made to feel the pain of the rocks he meets along his journey. i like this story poem quite a bit. thanx!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

this is a good story...and works in getting the idea of betrayal across...we can rally back from it, but it is not easy...we crumble before we get ourselves back together..

i really enjoyed the play on words....that works so well...and your rhyme (which i am not usually fond of at all) is so subtle it is barely perceptible except for the rhythm it creates.

nicely done..

" i will not die..." yes, i will move on, and survive ---there is somebody out there who will not betray me...one i can give my heart to.

[Joshua W. Harris]

Thank you very much for the kind review, Jacob! It means a lot, coming from a writer like yourself! =]
I know that solid rhyme schemes can seem cumbersome and retract from a piece sometimes, but I find that when I am not creating a piece that rhymes, I feel like a fish out of water, and I never feel like I do the pieces well. Hahaha. So I am very glad that despite the amount of rhyming I crammed into this piece (as naturally as I could), you still enjoyed it!

You have read deeper into this piece than many people will, I feel, and I am very glad that you have. You seem to truly understand. I look forward to reading more from you, and hearing more if you find another piece that strikes your fancy. ^__^