Father

Written on what would have been my father's 60th birthday

You would have been 60 years old today
My how your beard would have grayed
An older version of mine
I wonder what could have been
I wonder what you would have been
But I guess that's all I can do

Sometimes I sit and wonder why
You had to go and pass beyond this life
Leaving me here behind without the answers
Leaving me here without your guidance and example
A boy grows awkwardly without the father
Especially when the examples left are past, scripted and rare
And never there to hold on to

Some twenty years in two days
The day you left, and the impact you made
Christmas Eve was never the same
The Yule time lost some of it's shine and warmth
It became cold and dark like the winter it exist in
St. Nick became less and less of a friend

I wonder what you would think of me
Would you be proud or disappointed
Would you think me wise or the fool
Would I be the same as I am today
Would the lost moments work out the way I always wanted
Would you save me from the mistakes of the ones left in your place

I can't believe the sound of your voice has faded
I can only remember bits of time in my mind
Though the idea of you has never faded
And my need for you to be there
Lingers still a score later

Sometimes I wish I had just one more moment
To be the child who was carefree and happy
To be able to look up and see you smile
Hear your voice and bit of fatherly wisdom
Share a drink and a conversation
To call you father, dad, daddy or any paternal denotation
Words that I haven't been able to say for far too long
A loss that causes me to envy those who can
A void that was only patched and ignored on the surface
But still stirring under the smiling surface

I miss you more than you could know
I wish that things could have been different
But things happen for reasons they say
I say to those that believe such a notion
Come and feel my loss and lament
As I sit here and morn what could have been
Twenty years ago the world was perfect and serene
Only to turn two days later
Into twenty years of loss

Oh my how your beard would have grayed
Here upon your 60th birthday
Blow out the candles and kiss the wife
Hug your son and tell him he matters
It's a dream that can never happen
It's a haunting dream that I long for
But something that will never be