My Logorrhea

A Story by Blake Kairos

This combines drama, romance, action, over powering your enemies, lots of sneezing, and copious amounts of Olivia John Newton. Guest Staring Pigeons.

My Logorrhea

Aylin was sitting in the school cafeteria. Estève plopped down beside him with a tray full of gruel. “‘Bout time you got here.” Aylin said. They were sitting across from each other in a booth. “Lunch is already half way done.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault. I got caught up with Xanadu.” Estève sighed and picked at his food. “And I don’t even like rollerblading.” Xanadu was a nickname that she gave herself of course; no one’s real name could be that strange. Her real name was Olivia.

“No way; is she still bothering you?” Aylin leaned in, interested in the gossip.

“Yeah, she wants to get back together this weekend. It doesn’t make any sense!” he put his face in his hands, holding his head. “Why can’t she just leave me alone?”

“I don’t know dude.” Aylin shrugged. “Maybe you should just tell it to her face and leave it.”

“I can’t do that. I don’t want to be mean to her.”

“Hey, look, she cheated on you with Baris Kemik. She’s got like satyromania or something.”

“She lied to me. She’s like a pathological liar. Like pseudomania.”

“Either way, she’s all the bad words I couldn’t say about a female in a short story for my creative writing class.” Aylin concluded.

“Yeah. I guess that sums it up.” Estève looked quizzical at the peculiar thing Aylin had just said.

“Also, who still rollerblades? What does she think this is? August 8th, 1980? She’s not even worth 22.8 million USD, although some think she’s an alright singer. I think the nickname ‘Sandy’ works much better for her anyways.”

They continued eating in silence for a few moments, before Aylin spotted Olivia skating up behind Estève. “Annoying brat at 6 o’clock.” Aylin said, averting his eyes.

Estève sighed and stood up. “Hi Estèvè.” She said, hands on her hips.

“That’s not my name.” Estève said quietly. “Look, Xanadu, I don’t want to seem rude, I just don’t want to hang out anymore.”

“Are you saying you’re breaking up with me?!” her face slack-jawed, then sullen.

“Um… yeah.” he replied blankly. “I told you this weeks ago, remember what happened? And you didn’t really register that you got my memo, so, I just want to say I never want to see you again.”

“Wow, remember to put out the match you’re burning this bridge with when you’re done ‘kay?” Aylin interjected with a sly smirk.

“Hey shut up, This was your idea anyway.” Estève shot quickly back.

Meanwhile, Olivia hadn’t heard a word after ‘yeah’, and was currently struggling to hide the superfluous flow of melodramatic tears. “Fine then!” she yelled, her mascara smeared down her face. “See if I care!” She spun around using her left foot as a pivot and skated away, taking long angry strides. The boys watched her leave in awkward, stunned silence. As she exited the cafeteria, she threw her arms in the air and screeched like a harpy.

“Well, that just happened.” said Aylin.

Estève sat back down. “I just hope nothing bad comes from this.” he murmured to himself.

***

The next day was Saturday. The next after that was Sunday. The weekend ended and Monday poked its ugly head back into the lives of the youth as they scramble into precise scheduling once more. The two friends were sitting at their normal booth.

“I’m kinda surprised we made it this far into today without any emasculation from the encounter with Xanadu last week.” Estève remarked.

“Hey don’t jinx us. You never know what horrible fate we could have that would change our destiny forever.” Aylin replied, and took a huge bite of the undercooked pasta the school deemed as edible. “Man, am I hungry!”

“You shouldn’t eat so fast, it’s not good for you.”

“You can’t tell me what to do; you’re not my dad.”

Estève, irked, exhaled in submission and continued picking at his daily gruel that would hopefully grant him the brainpower to pass the test he had in Goat Herding next hour. “You didn’t put any pepper in that, did you?”

“What do you think I am, stupid? You know that I know what happens when I eat pepper. And it unquestionably cannot happen with this many witnesses.”

“Yeah, students would freak, the principal would be called, who would then call the police, who wouldn’t believe the stories of the kids anyways. But then they may still report it all on the news, and if that gets out, the wrong agency might believe the story and kidnap you.”

“Thanks for that synopsis Edison. I know.”

“Hey, no, don’t turn around, but Baris is walking up to us. Buffoon, 6 o’clock.”

Baris, with an ugly malevolent grin on his face, was thundering towards their table. “Hey, you bubs,” he spat as he spoke, fat cheeks gostling, never breaking that horrid smirk that exposed teeth, yellowed with ages of neglect. “I got some bones to grind with you.”

“Should we run?” Estève asked, already standing up in a panic. Aylin, who turned as Baris called to them, nodded with wide eyes.

“Yeaahhh.” he said slowly. Then they bolted out the cafeteria.

“You freaks!” Baris called. Other students by this time had started to notice the disturbance, as they shuffled in their seats to get a better look at the action. “Get back here!”

The two friends, being the non athletic type, couldn’t run very far without collapsing outside the room. Even though Baris couldn’t run fast with his short stubby legs, he would be there soon enough. And they knew it.

“What should we do?” Aylin asked Estève, gasping.

“How should I know?” Estève replied, also panting.

They laid on knees and elbows catching their breath, hunched over in years of negligence to their legs muscles. After they recovered, which took a considerable amount of time, they realized something simultaneously: Baris hadn’t followed them out of the cafeteria. They stuck their heads in, peering to catch a glimpse of the bully, but no sign of him was made.

“Where did that scumbag go?” Aylin snarled.

“What does he want with us anyway?” Estève wondered aloud.

“I don’t know. It could have something to do with Xanadu. Maybe he doesn’t realize that she was originally your girlfriend and thinks that she was cheating on him with you.”

“He could be just stupid, and thinks that I’m going after his girl, unaware of our relationship.” Estève considered as they walked back to their booth, resuming their meal.

They ate and chattered, making fun of Baris behind his back, when suddenly, Aylin’s eyes went wide. “What’s wrong?” Estève’s face went white in concern. Aylin gaped his mouth, struggling to breath. “Oh great.” Estève said, concern melting into utter annoyance as he realized what was happening.

Aylin sneezed.

His head flew back with a deep breath and shot forward as a stream of debris and noise exploded from his esophagus. His biological form flashed briefly, revealing a changed form.

Aylin was now a pigeon.

***

Baris Kemik was a sore loser, and he felt he had lost. Olivia, that is. When Olivia came to Baris, he believed he was the luckiest man alive. She was only the most popular girl in school who just happened to be talking to him. They designed a time for them to meet alone, initiated by Olivia. He was surprised, considering she might have a boyfriend at the time, which she did, Estève. But, he regarded her as one of great honesty, therefore trusting that she was single.

They met on a Friday night. He picked her up in a smelly pickup truck. She needed help getting in because of her rollerskates, so Baris, who couldn’t imagine how lucky he thought he was, had to touch her to boost her into the seat. Olivia was a lady who understood the power behind her own beauty. She was bored, she tried to convince herself, with Estève, and that was why she was doing this, and that it had nothing to do with the fact Baris was apparently rich. He drove them to the local makeout joint. Suddenly, Olivia started feeling uncomfortable. All at once the moldy scent, ugly bully next to her, and the moist atmosphere attacked her senses. It was too much. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.

Baris was oblivious to this reversal in her emotion as he parked the truck. He went in for the kiss, eyes closed, fat, uneven lips puckered, left arm resting smoothly on the steering wheel. She drew back in disgust, grimacing, and kicking herself for this obvious mistake. She slapped him. Baris, confused, as he should have been, flinched at the sudden attack, and his eyes went wide with the surprise of this new reality.

Olivia exited the truck, slammed the door, yelled at him from outside about how gross he was, and then called her parents. Her father was very upset at the situation. So, Baris, now left alone, still in shock at the sudden change of events, had lost the most precious gem in the whole world. Little did he know that he never had her to begin with.

The next Monday, Olivia tried to pretend nothing happened, chatting away with Estève, realizing how good she’s got it, when Baris shows up, complaining in his naturally loud and obnoxious voice about the events that occurred. Estève, knowing that something had indeed happened, became mistrustful, and wanted to break up. Olivia, not wanting to accept this sudden change of events, felt she had lost her most precious gem in the whole world, a diamond in the rough.

Eventually Baris found out that Estève had been with Olivia, and decided to plot his revenge.

***

“Fly away, Aylin, fly!” Estève called to him. Aylin flew like crazy around the cafeteria. Students stood and pointed at the pigeon, gawking at yet another event. They laughed and screamed as Aylin dove down, almost landing on some of their heads. Luckily, as always, no one had seen him change.

One kid, who was trying to get his Calculus homework done for his next class, moaned, “Oh, not again!” as this disruption would ruin his concentration. On the other hand, it would make a decent excuse.

Estève made it his priority to catch the bird, but he decided to let Aylin have his fun first. He had never turned into a bird before. For a moment, Estève felt jealous. Why does Aylin always get to have fun? Always jumping from girl to girl, seducing all within a mile radius, but then enjoying the single life when it came. Then, when he started turning into animals, he got to experience things no other human ever has or possibly will. And here Estève was, he thought, with a broken love life, girlfriend going after the least popular kid in school instead of himself. He thought his luck had finally struck him when she accepted his proposal to dating. But if this was the result, he wished it never had happened. But still, Estève never voiced these feelings, trying to be a good friend to Aylin, who never seemed to keep anyone consistently around except him.

“Man, flying is great!” he cooed, making the soft purring sound that a pigeon makes. Naturally, no one could understand him, but with his human brain, being only his outside structure that had changed, he could still be human on the inside. “I’m a phaps elegans, whatever that means.” Then he realized it was much too small of a room to fly super fast in. Eventually, he smacked into a window, knocking himself out.

Estève winced as he saw it happen. When he saw a gaggle of students flock encompassing his friend’s avian physique, he urgently pushed through to shield him from the chaos. That’s when Principal Bengoetxea, as predicted, made his appearance. He shoved his way through the crowd and preceded to jumble on about how this was Jackson’s fault, the impish prankster who has, on more than one occasion, actually let animals in the school. Jackson, who denied this accusation, was immediately shushed and given a detention. Principal Bengoetxea then rambled about how wildlife was precious before slipping on plastic gloves and snagging the ragged bird’s feet, carrying Aylin upside down.

He then pushed his way back through the crowd of students, this time easier, nobody wanted to touch a smelly, probably dead, bird right? He was taking it to his office, being followed by Estève and a significant amount of unnamable others. At the office, the students waited outside, chattering like hamsters about the exciting events of the day, and the possible chance of missing class because of it.

Estève was worried. This had never happened before. He always thought it would be the day Aylin turned into a big cat or monkey or penguin that their problems would become unexplainably hysterical. The typical small rodent was easy to cover. Aylin would scurry around the school, frightening the girls in the locker rooms and laughing in his head until school ended, when Estève could retrieve him. Then they would make him sneeze again to bring him back to normal once in private.

Principal Bengoetxea returned with an Aylin-bird sized shoebox. He announced that he was going to throw the poor creature away in the school dumpster, much to the dismay of the students.

As they cried at the disappearance of their ticket out of class, Estève suddenly went frantic. “No, no, no, Mr. Bengoetxea, you can’t throw him out!”

“And why not?” he said, not confused, or considering the option Estève was conveying, but just with the utter annoyance that someone had the guts to question his supposedly unquestionable authority.

“Because I…” Estève stuttered, not able to think of a reason.

“I would be glad to take that off your hands, Mr. Principal.” shot out Baris's childlike squeal. “I can throw it away for you.”

“Why thankyou child! Baris, you are always so helpful around here, unlike some people,” the principal glared at Estève. “Why don’t you go hang out with Jackson and burn a kitten or something?!” he bursted out. Then his attention went back to Baris, handing him the box.

Estève, gobstruck, let his jaw hit the floor, figuratively. Then he socked Baris in the face, with a figurative sock that stood for a literal fist. It was a good punch, whacked him right in the eye. The students, still there, cheered, not only for the continuation of more action, but also because everyone hates Baris.

The box flew in the air as Baris clutched his severed ego, landing right in Estève’s arms. ‘Man, I should be in football!’ he thought. Then, tucking the box tightly in his arm, he took off running for the entrance doors.

“Hey! You can’t do that!” whined Principal Dumb-name, confused on what to do when his authority was broken, as then seemed to have never happened to him before.

“My eye!” Baris cried, although it didn’t do much to his appearance. If anything, it was an improvement. “I’ll get you for this Esteve!” Baris called after him, shaking a fist.

“That’s not how you pronounce it!” Estève shouted back.

“Ya know… you can chase after him if you want.” The principal, that is now leaving the story because I hate referring to him, said.

Baris gave chase.

***

Estève was trapped. Unfamiliar with the city layout of the infinite universe got him stuck between a dead end and Baris. Baris looked exactly the same as when I first described him: ugly, and mean. He took his time walking up to Estève, knowing he had it, enjoying the feeling of caught prey. Estève, who had watched too many James Bond movies, got an idea: distract him! Ask him questions that would reveal great exposition!

“Why are you doing this?!”

“Because you stole my girl!”

“Xanadu was my girl first! She lied to you Baris, she was cheating on me.”

“Cut the crap! My character isn’t allowed to believe you yet! I know that she was with me, and then the next thing I know, she’s with you. So you’ve got to have taken her from me!”

“Baris! You’re more ugly that John Travolta! Anyone would have left you for any other man.”

“Are you calling John Travolta UGLY!” If Baris had Aylin’s ability and sneezed right now, he’d probably turn into a pig.

“Well, yeah. Much more of a Dirty Dancing Patrick Swayze fan myself.”

“Oh it is ON!” Baris yelled like a buffoon (I think I used that insult already…) Baris yelled like a baboon (there we go) while charging at Estève.

Estève simply moved out of the way, making Baris slam into a brick wall.

“Do you know why I led you here Baris?” Estève sneered, knowing he always had the upper hand, and now giving off his own exposition.

“Why…?” Baris moaned, rubbing his horribly bruised head, not that it looked any different.

“Because I needed to ask you some questions in private before I knock you down.” Estève laid the box down gently, then rushed up the Baris, grabbing his collar and slamming him against the wall. He saw the fear in his eyes, the mean grin now loose without hope. “Did you put pepper in Aylin’s pasta at lunch today?” When Baris, stunned silent, failed to answer quickly enough, Estève squeezed him further into the brick. “Tell me!” He demanded.

“Yes!” Baris wailed, tears streaming down his face, and urine down his pants. “I put it in his pasta! I just wanted to get back at you for what you did to Xanadu!” he blubbered.

“Where were you when the pigeon started flying about the school?” his fiery eyes piercing Baris's soul.

“I was in the lunch line, getting more food!” When Estève squinted in hesitation, Baris continued, “I promise!”

“Alright. Then why did you want the bird so badly?”

“That was also a way to get back at you. I saw you cared for it so I wanted to sabotage it. I’m sooorrrryyyy!” He howled into the wind, now sobbing uncontrollably.

‘Alright…’ Estève thought. ‘So he never thought that Aylin was the bird and wanted to use it against us as blackmail. I can’t believe I gave this imbecile the potential of even posing as one to concoct an evil plan. His motives were purely regarding Xanadu.’

‘Xanadu.’ A new stream of thoughts poured through his head. ‘Maybe I acted to hastily when handling her situation. I never even asked her why… I just knew that she did. Can I forgive her?’ he knew he never stopped loving her, only the guilt and anger of betrayal fueled him into distancing himself from her. ‘Maybe. Perhaps it’s not too late.’

“Are you done inner monologuing yet? This scene is already almost over.”

“Shut it you nobhead.” Estève said, and dropped him. Baris fell on his knees, still shaking violently. Estève turned and walked away with the box, leaving a much more broken Baris than before.

***

“Wow. I’ve never heard a bird sneeze before.” Estève said. They were sitting back at their booth during lunch the next day.

“Well, now you have. Give me enough pepper and I’ll sneeze anytime.” Aylin, now back to normal, replied. “So, what all happened after I got knocked out.”

“Nothing I couldn’t manage.” Estève answered, taking a big bite of gruel.

Aylin smiled. “You know I know that’s not it. I heard you punched Baris.”

“Oh did you now? Well, that’s only half the story.” Estève recounted the eventful time of bullying information out a bully, leaving out his thoughts about Olivia.

“So he never knew what he was doing the whole time?”

“Yeah, I guess how he did things was just a coincidence. If he didn’t go for more chicken wings he might have seen you transform.”

“I bet we could have figured out a way to make him not tell. I suppose we don’t have to be scared of him anymore.”

Estève let out a short laugh. “Ha! Yep. I suppose you be right.”

“Soooo…” Aylin drew out.

“What?”

“Are you ever going to forgive Xanadu for what she did? I mean, bridges can be rebuilt, too.”

“Hey, I wasn’t even talking about that. And that’s none of your business.” Estève, irked by Aylin once more, knew he had to forgive her, but he didn’t know how to address the issue.

“If you don’t know how to bring it up with her, I could give you some advice.”

“Oh yeah? And what could that be?”

“Just do it. Be straightforward, plain as vanilla. The longer you brood about this, the less chance you have of actually getting anything done. You gotta make this first move.”

Just then, the familiar sound of roller skates grew louder as Olivia approached their booth. “Hey boys.” She called.

“Opportunity knocks.” Aylin looked at Estève.

“I know.” he replied flatly. Then to Olivia, “Hey Xanadu, you want to get together this weekend?”

Her eyes lit up like magic.

The End, probably...