I think you did great with the rhyming :)
True, to a person or more specifically a child who is living through hell it does feel like it's night all the time. When life is so dark it can be difficult to find the light. But that's only because in this type of life, you need to find the light yourself. A great write :)
Posted 9 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
9 Years Ago
Thanks, you really get what i was going for in this. Glad ya liked it
I think that you did a great job with the rhyming. I'm sorry it took me so long to read this and review it. School really got in the way and I had to wait until I was done with that. Anyway, You have a beautiful, deep piece here.
Posted 8 Years Ago
8 Years Ago
thanks! and it's fine i've been super busy as well with exams so it's no sweat >w< just glad you lik.. read morethanks! and it's fine i've been super busy as well with exams so it's no sweat >w< just glad you like it
I think you did great with the rhyming :)
True, to a person or more specifically a child who is living through hell it does feel like it's night all the time. When life is so dark it can be difficult to find the light. But that's only because in this type of life, you need to find the light yourself. A great write :)
Posted 9 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
9 Years Ago
Thanks, you really get what i was going for in this. Glad ya liked it
your images remind of a time when my daughter was cutting herself because that pain she could control...you did a fine penning i hope it leads to healing
This poem has a hopeless feel to it. Which is what it's supposed to have, I'm sure.
I can sense a nice rhythm to it when I read.
There are a few misspellings 'Feeling like their in a ghost town' should be 'Feeling like they're in a ghost town' and 'As they alredy knew' should be 'As they already knew'. But, those are simple things and easy to correct.
You definitely scored on the rhyming, you appear to be spot on with that. I am not good at rhyming at all so I don't try much. I am more free verse, so congrats to you on that talent. This is a very emotional piece you have written, I would like to read more of your poems.
Line #14 add the word 'if' between as and they
Line #15 add the word 'that' between thing and you(this is not necessary but, it is better English)
Line #10 the word 'but' requires a comma after it
*general food for thought; It has been my experience that in short poems like you have here, it works to your advantage when your poem is being read, that you have not utilized contractions. You can, but, I would defer for a better sounding product.
All in all, you have written a poem that is very sound and efficient and adheres to your topic well!
It would have been just as good even had you not tried to adhere to a rhyming pattern!
Ashish and Doorman really know what their talking about. As Ashish says, nice, short and simple. I would definitely try and go a little further with your work when you feel ready to.