Constant Night

Just weird poem..

Behind this smile 

Is a crying child

Behind this act

Is a life that is cracked

Behind this tear 

Is a silent prayer

Slowly this child begins to drown

Feeling like they're in a ghost town

No one seems to hear their screams

But, they don't dare to dream

Thinking about life

As they raise the knife

Not knowing what else to do

As if they already knew

That this thing that you call a life

Is a constant night

Author's Note

I tried to get it all rhyming, tell me what ya think

Reviews

[Amber Lily]

I think you did great with the rhyming :)
True, to a person or more specifically a child who is living through hell it does feel like it's night all the time. When life is so dark it can be difficult to find the light. But that's only because in this type of life, you need to find the light yourself. A great write :)

[Kurai.Merodi]

Thanks, you really get what i was going for in this. Glad ya liked it

[Amber Lily]

You're very welcome!

[Aries1984]

I think that you did a great job with the rhyming. I'm sorry it took me so long to read this and review it. School really got in the way and I had to wait until I was done with that. Anyway, You have a beautiful, deep piece here.

[Kurai.Merodi]

thanks! and it's fine i've been super busy as well with exams so it's no sweat >w< just glad you like it

[Valentine]

It would have meant more to me if the last line ended with the word fight. As from beginning to the end that is what it is to most people. Valentine

[jeannemarie coulter]

your images remind of a time when my daughter was cutting herself because that pain she could control...you did a fine penning i hope it leads to healing

[Kurai.Merodi]

Thanks, I hope it does too

[AaronFreitas]

Awesome write... love the rhyming and the consistent flow through the poem. Very powerful words and tone to the write! Awesome work!

[Thatoetsile Simons Thup..]

The poem is really good.
Your words are really inspiring.

I dont mean to be harsh but your poem is short.appart from that it is really good.

You are a great poet,if only you made this one a little longer.

Keep doing the good job.
KEEP WELL

[PJ Acker]

This poem has a hopeless feel to it. Which is what it's supposed to have, I'm sure.
I can sense a nice rhythm to it when I read.
There are a few misspellings 'Feeling like their in a ghost town' should be 'Feeling like they're in a ghost town' and 'As they alredy knew' should be 'As they already knew'. But, those are simple things and easy to correct.

Overall a good job! Keep writing...

[Robert]

You definitely scored on the rhyming, you appear to be spot on with that. I am not good at rhyming at all so I don't try much. I am more free verse, so congrats to you on that talent. This is a very emotional piece you have written, I would like to read more of your poems.

[Perkele.7885]

Line #14 add the word 'if' between as and they
Line #15 add the word 'that' between thing and you(this is not necessary but, it is better English)
Line #10 the word 'but' requires a comma after it
*general food for thought; It has been my experience that in short poems like you have here, it works to your advantage when your poem is being read, that you have not utilized contractions. You can, but, I would defer for a better sounding product.
All in all, you have written a poem that is very sound and efficient and adheres to your topic well!
It would have been just as good even had you not tried to adhere to a rhyming pattern!

[Kurai.Merodi]

Thank you for helping me. I'm a young witer so critsium and the like is really helpful

[DBKaine]

Ashish and Doorman really know what their talking about. As Ashish says, nice, short and simple. I would definitely try and go a little further with your work when you feel ready to.