Chapter 2

A new village is in progress. The humans introduced...

 

Chapter 2

 

     

    Sir Bradwyn was the most beloved of all of the knights in King Lorret’s court.  He was the most trusted and loyal, and Lorret loved him like a son.  Bradwyn was a young man of about nineteen, tall and thin, with black hair and hazel eyes.  His appearance belied his strength, more often than not giving him the upper hand in a fight.
    Found wandering, lost and confused outside the gates of a village when he was a young boy of about six years old, Lorret took him in and raised him as his own.  Outside of his own name, Bradwyn could remember nothing of his life before showing up at the village.  At times, hs sleep is troubled by strange and frightening dream, with images of buildings burning and sounds of terrified screams.  He has seen a man and woman near a young boy, telling him to run, but their faces are distorted and blurred, making features unrecognizable.  He sometimes wonders if these dreams have some connection to him, and that the couple he sees is his parents, but he doesn’t think much on it.  As far as he is concerned he was raised by a wonderful father, and that is all that matters.
    On this day, Bradwyn was in charge of the building of his father’s castle, and he watched with a proud smile as everyone worked hard to get the job done.  Lorret was a man who ruled his people with love and compassion, and everyone adored their king for that reason.  Most royalty would look down on the common people as mere animals, but King Lorret viewed everyone with equality.  Instead of sitting back and commanding everyone in their tasks, he took on tasks around the village as well, helping to get the different jobs done.  The people of Lorret’s kingdom would do anything for their king, and it made Bradwyn happy to see everyone working together for his father.  Even the young knight helped, lifting heavy blocks, or doing odd jobs here and there, doing anything to help the others finish quickly, without pushing them too hard.
    As Bradwyn was conversing with a villager and helping to move a block onto the structure, something caught his attention from the corner of his eye. He set the block into place and began to glance around, searching for what had caught his eye.  He then saw the most beautiful creature he had ever set eyes on.  A most bewitching girl was moving about helping with other tasks nearby.  Her movement was graceful, almost dance-like, and at times it almost looked like she was gliding rather than walking.  She was tall, with strawberry blonde hair and she wore a long, dark green dress with long, flowing sleeves.  As he stared, dumbfounded, the girl turned and gave him a hard look as cold as ice, her violet eyes piercing his.  He snapped out of his trance and, looking at the ground, his face turned crimson.  Shaking her head, the girl just rolled her eyes and turned back to what she was doing.
    “Ye don’t want ta be messin’ with her, my friend, that young lass, she be trouble!”
    The sudden sound of the voice and the grasp of a strong hand on his shoulder startled Bradwyn, making him spin quickly around, his heart nearly jumping out of his chest.  He came face to face with his fellow knight and best friend, Tristan.
    Tristan was slightly shorter than Bradwyn, but he was bulkier and more muscular with large hands.  Even with the difference in size, each one’s strength was comparable to the other, and they always fought well together in battle, each one taking turns with an enemy.  When they fought together their style was an art form and it looked as though they were dancing around each other.  Tristan had long, bright red hair that he always kept in a braid and a beard that matched, reminding many of a hill dwarf.  Some, including Bradwyn wondered if he wasn’t actually part dwarf with his personality and love of drink.
    “Tristan!  You nearly gave me a damned heart attack!  For the love of the Gods how many times have I told you not to sneak up on me like that, you old dog?!” Bradwyn laughed as he smacked his friend jokingly on the back of the head.
    “Yer askin’ for it now, ya young rascal!” Tristan knocked Bradwyn to the ground and the two began rolling around and wrestling like young boys.
    The girl stopped what she was doing to watch the fight, cocking and eyebrow and chuckling slightly at the spectacle the two were making.  Bradwyn stopped mid punch and both men looked up to see the girl standing there watching.  She quickly put on a serious face and rolled her eyes at them.
    “I love watching a good fight, but this is no time for horse playing.  There is still a lot of work to do, and I think the King would even agree with me!”
    Bradwyn scrambled quickly to his feet and brushed himself off, blushing with embarrassment.  Tristan got to his feet and gave a mock salute to the girl.
    “Yes ma’am, yer absolutely right!  We’ll get back ta work right away ma’am!”
    The girl just rolled her eyes again.  “Boys,” she muttered with a sigh and a shake of the head as she turned away to continue her tasks.
    Bradwyn continued to stare as she walked away, unable to take his eyes off of her.
    “Oh, quitcher droolin’ an’ get back to work ya young pup!  I’ve heard of that lass already.  Do ya know how many men’ve already been rejected by her?  Even in the short time she’s been here, she’s already got quite th’ reputation!  That one’s a wild mare, she is.  A most gorgeous creature, but like hell if yer goin’ ta catch her!  No one has been able to yet, not even yours truly.  Hell, she even refuses to give anyone her name!  A true mystery, that one is!  So don’t be goin’ an’ gettin’ yer hopes up and yer heart broken my friend.  Best just to leave that one free.”  Tristan put an arm around Bradwyn’s shoulder.
    Bradwyn shrugged and looked at his friend.  “Never know until I try, now do we?”  He grinned.  “Besides, maybe this time I’ll beat you at something for once!”  He moved away from Tristan.  “I’m going for it.”
    “Well, besta luck to ya then!”  Tristan clapped Bradwyn on the back so hard he stumbled forward, and when he turned to glare back at his friend, he grinned at him and winked, before turning back to his work.
    The girl watched as Bradwyn approached, and when he got near enough he bowed deeply.  She raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms, leaning to one foot as if annoyed by constant interruption.
    “May I help you?”
    “I apologize for the interruption, milady.  My name is Sir Bradwyn.  I am-“
    “Yes, I am well aware of who you are.  The king and I have had some lovely conversations.  Get on with it.”
    Ouch, she is tough!  Bradwyn thought.  “I…couldn’t help but to notice you…”
    “I’ve heard that one before,” She interrupted again.
    Bradwyn winced at the icy remark.  Damn, burnt again!
    “Listen, Sir Bradwyn, whatever you are about to say, I have heard it all before and I do not have time to hear it all again.  Now, may I please get back to work?”  She gave him an icy stare that turned him red with embarrassment.
    “Um…yeah…sure…I apologize for keeping you.”  He bowed again and turned, quickly walking away.
    She sighed and, shaking her head turned back to her tasks.  “Boys,” she muttered.
    Tristan, who had watched the entire exchange, chuckled silently and when Bradwyn turned to walk back, he quickly pretended to have been working the entire time.  When he got back, Bradwyn went straight to working alongside his friend.
    “So…how did it go?”  Tristan asked without looking up.  His mouth twitched as it took everything in his power to keep from laughing.
    Bradwyn glared at his friend, his face red this time, not from embarrassment but from anger.  “You know damn well how it went, Tristan!  Your curiosity always gets the better of you…never can keep your nose out of anyone’s business!”
    “Whoa, whoa, relax my friend!  I meant no harm!  She shot you down then?  No need ta be so upset, I did, warn ya about her after all.”
    Bradwyn sighed.  “Yeah…you’re right…I just thought that maybe…never mind…”
    Tistan shook his head.  He felt for his friend.  “Hey, tell ya what…how’s bout us goin’ fer a couple o’ drinks after we get done with our work for today?  That should cheer ya up a bit!”
    “Yeah…that sounds good.  I could use a couple after that mess.”  He chuckled slightly.  “You know, that girl has some bite to her!  I actually found myself somewhat…frightened of her!”
    Tristan laughed.  “Yeah, I noticed she tends to have that kind of power about her.  The power to strike fear into the heart of men.”
    Bradwyn burst out with laughter.  “You would know this, wouldn’t you my friend?”
    “Sadly, yes.”  They were enjoying a good laugh when the king approached them.
    “Ah, Bradwyn, my boy!  How are things coming along son?”
    Bradwyn couldn’t help but smile at the sound of the king’s voice, which always seemed bright and cheerful.  He turned to face his father, a man of his height with hair and a beard that are mostly grey, but still with a hint of his original medium brown color. He was clad in a tunic and leather breeches for working in.  Bradwyn and Lorret embraced in a brief hug and turned to face the unfinished castle.
    “Well, father, how does it look?”
    Lorret nodded his approval. “I must say I am quite impressed.  It is coming along beautifully.  I cannot wait to see it when it is finished, and then I will hold a grand feast for everyone in the village!  It will be my thank you for everything that has been done.”  He smiled.  “Oh, I almost forgot…”  He grinned mischievously at Bradwyn.  “I couldn’t help notice that you were speaking to our newest addition a short while ago.”
    Bradwyn winced at the thought of the king, his father, watching him get so utterly humiliated.  “Umm…yeah…it didn’t go too well…”
    Lorret nodded sympathetically.  “I gathered as much.  Give her time, son.  She is new here after all.  She just…needs to warm up a bit.  There are things that have happened to her, and these sudden changes have been hard on her.  Of course, it doesn't help much that every man in the village has tried to approach her.”  He leaned in close to Bradwyn and muttered, "The wives haven't been too happy with this new arrival either.  Can hardly get the attention of their men lately."  He gave Bradwyn a sly wink and chuckled.
    Bradwyn shook his head and chuckled slightly.  “I understand, father.  Say, she mentioned that you two had a…nice conversation.  Did you by chance happen to catch her name?”
    “I did, yes.”  He sighed.  “I hate keeping things from you, son, but she did tell me in complete confidence, and I do not break my word.  I will tell you this, however…when she wants anyone to know about her, they will know. As I said, give her time.  Let her get settled.  I’m sure she will come around eventually.  She is a sweet girl.”
    “Not to me she wasn’t…” Bradwyn muttered with a frown.
    “Ah, but keep in mind son, I am King, and I must know everything about my subjects!”  He winked at Bradwyn, and, respectfully inclining his head, he turned and went back to moving about the village.
    Bradwyn stood gaping after him for a moment, until Tristan came over and brought him out of his thoughts.  “Well, lad, the day is almost done!  The sooner we get done with this work, the sooner we can drink!”  And with that, they turned to finish the rest of the day’s work.

Author's Note

If you see anything worth mentioning, including grammer/spelling errors, feel free to let me know. Comments and suggestions are always welcome.

Reviews

[~The Queen~]

Hello! Me again, hope you're ready (lol Just kidding)

There were a few things that I saw that can be fixed, mostly just grammar stuff but, here you go:

1.'Bradwyn was a young man of about nineteen...' this is past tense so the POV has to be someone else retelling the story correct? you go on to change the tense to present 'He sometimes wonders if these dreams have some connection to him, and that the couple he sees is his parents, but he doesn't think much on it...' Here you changed the tense twice. He sometimes wonderS is present and he doesN'T think is past tense. Then you change the POV to Bradwyn's so that makes this whole paragraph kind of confusing to read. Just thought you might want to reword or rethink about that paragraph.

2.Some of the information that you give on the whole dream thing with Bradwyn is just words. 'but the faces of the couple are distorted and blurry in his dream, making features unrecognizable...' if it were me I would say something like "But the faces of the couple WERE distorted, making any recognision impossible" (apologise for the mispelt word >

[Pakino]

mello, yet it was great to get an idea of the other characters in the story.

[Mysteral - Night Prowle..]

Sorry this review is going to be a bit long, and I don't like being too negative, but you ask for "anything worth mentioning."

>Bradwyn couldn't remember anything of his life...

I believe readers prefer sentences in a positive form rather than negative. May I suggest:
Bradwyn could remember nothing of his life... rather than 'couldn't remember anything'

>He has, however, had strange and frightening dreams with images of buildings burning and sounds of terrified screams, and he has seen a man and woman near a young boy, telling him to run, but the faces of the couple are distorted and blurry in his dream, making features unrecognizable.

Maybe just me, but this sentence feels a little long and disjointed. I don't expect you to copy my style of writing, but may I suggest something like:

At times, his sleep is troubled by dreams, images of burning buildings and sounds of terrified screams. He has seen a man and woman telling a young boy to run, but their faces are distorted and blurred making the features unrecognizable.

something caught his attention out of [from] the corner of his eye.

The paragraph that begins:
>"Oh, quitcher droolin...
I feel that is rather a long speech. I would suggest, either breaking it up with a retort from Bradwyn, or a piece of action... He swung a feinted punch against Bradwyns's shoulder... or similar.

>She raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms, leaning to one foot. What now? Can't a woman get some work done around here? She thought.

As POV has been with Bradwyn to this point, with the girl as something of a mystery, giving thoughts from her POV seems un-natural. Try something more from his POV.

She raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms, leaning to one foot as if wondering why a woman can get no work done around here.

>Bradwyn shrugged and looked at [h]is friend

>and these sudden changes have bee[n] hard on her.

>every man in the village have [has] tried to approach her.

>"The wives aven't been too happy... Did you intend to drop the 'h' It may be better to keep the broad dialect to Tristan.

Other than these points, the story holds a lot of interest for the reader. Characters seem realistic, and the descriptions make them appear vivid. Good chapter, well written.

[J.T.]

Well, there isn't really much I have to say, due to the fact that others have already gave you some useful advice. But, I would like to say that I really enjoyed this chapter. The dialogue and description of the characters was colorful and gave me a good picture of them. My favorite part would have to have been the dialogue, though. It made me smile and it depicted emotion beautifully.

[SakuraGirl]

Hey, me again :)

Some discrepancy of tenses in the second paragraph, the one with Bradwyn dreams. He has had the dreams, and then he wonders if these dreams... and he doesn’t think.... It is true that the dreams are in the past (and we get the slight idea that maybe they do come back once in a while) and his feelings are in the present, yet this somehow doesn't ring too well. With this paragraph you are also clearly setting the POW as being Bradwyn's.

The description of the king's and Bradwyn characters is good, and it gives us a solid understanding of their personalities. At least, that much knowledge that we can know from this scene, I'm sure more will be revealed in time.

Tristan's description is good and I congratulate your effort to add little details like his height compared to Bradwyn's. Anyone knows dwarves are shorter and it's good to see you've kept honest with the reader, by specifying Bradwyn was "tall and thin" in the first paragraph.

Here: The girl just rolled her eyes again and went back to her tasks. “Boys,” she muttered with a sigh and a shake of the head as she turned away.
try changing the order. From how it's written now, it appears that she first goes back to her tasks, then turns away, shaking her head and muttering.

Here: The girl watched as Bradwyn approached, and when he got near enough he bowed deeply. She raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms, leaning to one foot. What now? Can’t a woman get some work done around here? She thought.
if we know/hear what the girl thinks, we're living through her POW. You could change this by saying something like she had a "Can’t a woman get some work done around here" attitude - except with nicer words, not these ones exactly :)
We can't hear everyone's thoughts. Even though the narator does know anything about the characters in 3rd person narative, we can only guess their thoughts as we deduce them from mimics, atitude and dialogue.

Another little detail. The king says "our newest addition" when he refers to the girl. Previously, in Bradwyn and Tristan's dialogue, Tristan's words gives the impression that the girl was known for some time, quite many men had tried their chances with her and failed. Somehow the two statements contradict each other, thought not entirely. One can be new in a place and alreay create some history around oneself, yet it took me a bit aback.

And I believe I'm done for now :)
Plese don't take this huuuuge comment the wrong way. I'm just pointing out the things that TO ME seem to be needing a bit of correction. I am no writer and for sure I have no writing experience or am entitled to judge. I only wish to help. And wish I could also see my own flaws in my writing :)

Waiting for more!
Cheers!

[Autumn Reign]

Once again, all I can really say is to keep up the great work. You have a wonderful gift, show the world!