Chapter 1

Tears of a dragon...

 

Chapter 1

 

     

The dragon stood at the edge of his cave, which was carved into a mountain that towered high above the treetops.  He lowered his head and growled as he watched the commotion far below him with a growing rage in his normally calm, peaceful blue eyes.  The humans were hard at work, adding block upon block to their homes, to their shops…to their castle.  A castle-Pugh!
    He snorted, a small flame shooting out of his nostrils, and he swung around, storming angrily back into his cave.  The color of his body matched his mood-blood red, but when he wasn’t angry he was a most beautiful sight to behold.  He was not so beautiful a sight to humans however.  Gods how he hated humans!
    “I can’t believe it!  The nerve of those horrible, insolent, no good, flea-ridden vermin!  Trespassing in my territory!  Invading my peaceful domain!  This is my land!  They have no right!”  His deep voice echoed off the walls of the cave as he paced furiously back and forth.
    In his fit of rage, he let out breath of fire, scorching the back wall of the cave.  He took a strong swipe, leaving deep claw marks in the area which he had just burnt, and knocked loose bits of rock and rubble from the roof above.  He let out a grunt as the rubble fell on top of his head.  A deep rumble came from his throat and grew louder until he let out a roar that shook the cave.
    “Damn those cursed humans!” He roared.
    The memory of what had happened so long ago, when he was still but a hatchling, burned yet in his mind.  The cause of all his hatred.  The day they came.  He remembered…

 

    His mother picked him up in her mouth and frantically looked over her shoulder.  The mental connection that Flame had with his mother told him that this was the last time she would ever hold her son.  She hurried to the back of the cave and quickly placed her baby in a small niche, hidden from view, though Flame could still see the entire cave from where he was.  Cursing herself for never making any kind of emergency escape route in their little cave, she looked back over her shoulder then nudged and nuzzled him gently but quickly with tears in her eyes.
    “Please, Flame.  Stay out of sight my son.  No matter what happens, no matter what you see or hear, make not one sound!  No matter what happens…always remember that I love you…” Those were the last words that his mother would ever get to say to him.
    Flame felt a lump form in his throat, and then he heard the voice that would doom his beloved mother.
    “It’s in here, milord!  I saw the beast m’self!”
    The dragon turned toward the mouth of the cave, and watched as a figure pulled himself up and stood at the mouth of the cave.  She gasped in horror.  This man was huge for a human!  He had bulging muscles, dressed down in the skins of many animals and he wore a helmet which he had fashioned a certain way for himself-he had a ram’s horns protruding from the sides, giving him the look of a demon which matched his personality.  To look at him was to look at a demon.  His hair and beard were a fiery red and his eyes were a dark, menacing green. When the dragon looked into those eyes she saw a heart as black as coal.  To see into the soul of someone so heartless was enough to drive fear into even the heart of a dragon.  She shut her eyes and shuddered slightly, but when she opened them again she gazed menacingly at the warlord.  She already knew in her heart that she was doomed, but she would refuse to show him fear, even to the bitter end.  The next to appear was a man in black robes with a hood partially covering his face.  A sorcerer she noticed, for instead of taking the grueling climb, he had lifted himself up by magic, and now floated over to stand beside the warlord.  He leaned in to whisper something in his master’s ear and the warlord nodded.
    His comrades had finally all pulled themselves up to the cave after a few moments and there were now about twenty men gathered around their lord.
    “What do you want, human?  There is nothing here for you!”  The dragon growled with contempt in her voice.
    The warlord chuckled with evil glee, a wicked smirk on his face.  “Ah, but there is something that I want.”  His smile faded.  “I want your head!” He told her seriously.  He nodded at his minions.  “Men, get her!  Capture her, but remember I get the honor of killing her!”  The fight began.
    The men gave menacing chuckles and charged the dragon with weapons raised, each carrying a large rope which they planned to use for tying the monster down.  She took a swipe, knocking one man off his feet and he hit the wall so hard that he was killed on impact.  She swiped at some and breathed her fire on others.  She knew the possibility that she would die in the end, but she’d be damned if she didn’t take a few of the filthy b******s with her!  She managed to thin out their numbers, but they still proved to be too many for her and before too long, they had her down.  Two men held a rope that tied her mouth shut and the rest held onto the ropes that held her body down.  She struggled with all her strength to get up, but though a few of the men almost got pulled down, she couldn’t break free of the ropes.  Even the strength of a dragon proved not to be a match for over a dozen of these men.
    The warlord, who had merely stood back and watched the fray, was now walking toward his captured victim, a sinister grin lighting up his face.  The sorcerer remained near the mouth of the cave with his arms crossed and a vicious smirk on his lips.  As she watched him come closer that black soul burned into her and her eyes widened with horror.  She resigned herself to her fate and prayed to the Gods that the same fate would not come for her hatchling son.
    “Oh, Gods, please hear my plea and do not let them find him!” She thought.  Flame could hear her thoughts and feel her fear in his mind.
    She shut her eyes and swallowed hard.  When she opened them once again, she was face to face with the vicious warlord.  He leaned in close and she felt his hot breath on her scaly skin.
    Flame continued to watch everything from his little niche.  Trembling with fear he remembered is mother’s words and remained silent. Holding his breath for what seemed like an eternity, he fought with unshed tears that began to sting his eyes.
    The warlord laughed malevolently as he stared into the dragon’s horrified eyes.
    “So, it appears that you have lost dragon!  You will make a priceless addition to my collection.  My, but you are such a beautiful creature.”  He caressed the dragon’s face.  “Simply beautiful…”
    He took his great battleaxe and ran it softly across her skin.  As he reached her throat he pressed down, drawing a bit of blood.  “Now, before I finish you off, I want to tell you something.  In your next life I want you to remember my face.  I want you to remember my name.  I am Laslant the Heartless, and I live to kill!
    With a mighty roar, the blood-stained axe came down on the dragon once, twice, three times, the dragon closing her eyes and moaning in pain until the last breath left her body as her head fell from her neck.  With both hands, Laslant raised the axe still dripping with blood high above his head and roared with hideous laughter.
    Flame felt his mother’s pain screaming in his mind and gasped in horror at the sickening sight. Still trembling, he continued his terrible silence.  He backed further into his hiding place and turned his head away, weeping in silent mourning for his mother.

    

Flame shook the horrible memory from his mind.  Many times he had tried to forget the gruesome death of his mother, but the memory continued to burn inside of him, and it always would until the day that he would finally find the human that caused him so much pain, and exact his revenge.  Looking back down on this new village, he sighed.  Though he had a burning longing to destroy these unsuspecting humans below that brought back such painful memories, he fought with himself until he finally decided that he would let these humans do as they pleased…for now. 

Author's Note

Pay no heed to how the final paragraph is not indented. For some reason it won't let me indent it after the spacing...

Reviews

[Mysteral - Night Prowle..]

I am very impressed with this. It seems to have a lot of the things I felt were missing from the prologue. As a first chapter, this is great. I see other reviewers have made comments I intended to make, so I won't repeat. I'll try to add a few things.

The chapter seems quite well edited, very few typos...
>The color of his body matched his mood-blood rd, [red]

>He took a strong swipe, leaving deep claw marks... not sure if 'strong' is the best adjective here. wild, vicious, powerful--I'll leave you to consider.

>Flame gasped in horror at the sickening sight, still trembling, but he continued his terrible silence.
This may sound a silly comment, but do you mean Flame or the "sickening sight" was trembling. Yes readers can be stupid... I would suggest either:
Flame gasped in horror, still trembling at the sickening sight, but he continued his terrible silence.
or
Flame gasped in horror at the sickening sight, but, still trembling, he continued his terrible silence.
Also, maybe consider terrified as an alternative to terrible.

>His mother picked him up and frantically looked over her shoulder.
Probably another silly one, but I don't read a lot of fantasy stories. I think of dragons as being huge four-legged fire-breathing lizards with wings, yet you've given these dragons human characteristics. It makes me wonder if the mother picked Flame up in her mouth, or does she stand on two legs and lift him in her arms. I feel a little more detail would make the scene more vivid.

>"Oh, Gods, please hear my plea and do not let them find him!" She thought.
Many articles on writing style suggest only using quotes for direct speech, a character's thoughts being shown by writing in italics. Others say it is up to the author. Personally, I use italics to be sure the reader knows the words are not spoken aloud. Have a read of this web page, section 4, Interior Dialogue ...http://thedabblingmum.com/writing/grammar/punctuation.htm

Not much else to say other than I look forward to the next chapter. Well written and thanks for the opportunity to read and review.

[Pakino]

the story is great so far, interesting how you write in the point of view of a dragon then human.

[Wycked]

I loved this ..you drew me into the story ...I had no problem going back and forth with the dialogue...I felt it was clear...maybe because I read alot of stories on dragons....but i am really impressed...you also showed me were i error in my own writing by not separating the paragraphs. Great job!!

[J.T.]

I thought that this was a very well written and descriptive first chapter. I already love Flame, and I can't wait to see what he's going to do next!

[~The Queen~]

The dragon Flame is a very well written and very well understood creature and I like him...However:

As a reader I have a few things I would like to say-

1. You switch points of view when you go on to tell the story of how his mother died. It's subtle with is good if you don't people to know about it (I had to read it again two time to realize the mother was talking)
I would say something like "My mother saw the men at the entrance our sanctuary and growled. You could see the hate radiating off her body." and then when they attack her " They attacked my mother full on force, trying every which way to grab her. But she was quick. Many men seemed to forget that she was a fire breathing dragon and got to close. Others were now decorations for our cave home. " some thing like that.

2. When you were describing the battle between the dragon mother and the warlords men, the dragon mother came off as weak in my mind because dragons are creatures of higher intellegence and greater learning. Their caves aren't just holes in the side of a mountain, they are great labrynith of dead ends and secret passages. The creatures themselves are great, and huge beasts that could tower over most mad made creations. Dragons are more then a match for men. Men are just twigs that dragons play with. Just something to keep in mind when you write the next battle scene.

3. The fact that the dragon mother prays to human gods is intrigueing. Did the son get his hate from humans during that battle or was it learned through his mother? And I assumed once that dragon scale were the toughest substance ever, so it's good to see you not following in those tracks.

And 4. I like the the way he lets the humans do as they please for the moment. It makes you feel as if he's done thinkging about them for a while.

This is a very well written piece and I want you to keep in mind that these are opinions so you shouldn't feel like you have to follow them. I'm merely here to help.

-The Queen

[SakuraGirl]

Aratma got ahead of me with some observations, but here's what I've scribbled for you:

- a few prepositions should be removed, here and there, to make the reading flow smoother, like in this phrase: The dragon stood at the edge of his cave, which was carved into a mountain that towered high above the treetops. ->> The dragon stood at the edge of his mountain carved cage, towering high above the treetops. I know it leaves away some good amount of words, and I also know how hard it can be to just let them go. Sometimes it's better going through the effort of reducing the verbosity, I've been facing the same issue of saying a bit more than it's needed, and I'm still fighting with it :) Always helps reading it out loud and see if you have any troubles uttering it, if the words roll easily from the tongue.

- at the first read the transition between the present and the dragon's memories took me by surprise, I didn't see when the switch happened. You did mention "He remembered..." but it seemes that wasn't enough for me to transpose me into a different time coordinate. Maybe a different tense in the sentence beginning the remembering paragraph would help, try "His mother had picked him up and [...] That was the last time she would ever hold her son. She'd hurried to the back of the cave..." I would suggest the usage of past participle, though I can't say this with 100% confidence, because I am not a native English speaker and what might SOUND good to my ears might not at all be gramatically/shyntantically correct.

- be careful regarding perspectives. The way you begin the story, it reads as if seen through Flame's eyes. But in the fragment where he remembers his mother's death, things are shown from her perspective, she sees the men, the warlord and the sorcerer, she is the one that senses they cold-heartness and we feel her fears and emotions. And later on we get back to Flame

- Here: He leaned in to whisper in his master’s ear. “Remember my friend, you may have your trophy, but I get what I need from the beast as well.” The warlord nodded.
if the sorcerer whipers to the warlord's ears and we live this through Flame's mother's eyes, it's likely that she (and us) can't hear the whisper. Unless a dragon posess a very good hearing and you could somehow let the reader know about this. Or change the whispering to something else, like a quiet conversation, yet loud enough to be overheard by the dragon.

- “Oh, Gods, please hear my plea and do not let them find him!” She thought. - this shows clearly that the POW used is the mother's

- generally, some few repetitions again, nothing too serious. Again: let it sink in for a while, come back to it, read it out loud and try writing it again, without looking at what you already wrote, just keep the story events

I like the story and I'll be reading more of it, as you bring it in.

[Aratma]

I already like this dragon - he's angry, yet restrained. Which makes me wonder further :)

Some observations from me, as the reader ...

1. What I find confusing is the change of view-point ... the first part is from Flame's point of view, until his mother hides him, then the mother gets to tell the story and then I think you tell it from an observer's point of view. Generally (as unsatisfactory as I might feel about not getting to tell everything) I try to be consistent throughout a scene - that is show everything through only one's eyes.
What you could do here is create a different scene (chapter) for the memory, so you can use the mother as the story-teller or describe everything through Flame - after all, it is his memory.

2. Another thing is ... dimension. How big was his mother? She says "the man was huge". And then she gets put down with two ropes - one for her mouth and one for her body. But then again she put up some fight and she proves to be quite strong. All this creates confusion in the "movie" playing in my mind as I read.
I suggest reviewing the scene of the battle and put some comparative sizes for the dragon / people/ hatchling, at least at the beginning.

3. The change from Flame's memory to his decision of letting the humans go about their business is strange and breaks the flow ... some reasoning for this decision seems necessary.

And should I say ... "Humans" is my favourite word to find in a story. I love the beasts, whether bad or good.
Off to read the next chapter.

[LATER EDIT]

This reads quite fine now. Good idea with the telepathy link between them. :)