The Malicious Child

Lucifer's daughter is truly Malevolent

          “Stop it, you freak!” A blond girl screamed as her female rival smiled maliciously. 
        “But why, you know it’s the truth Jackie.” The girl retaliated as she pulled off her black leather jacket.
         “I told you to stop it, Lucille!” Jackie shrieked at the top of her lungs.
        “But why?” She whined pulling something silver from her skinny jeans pocket. It flashed as the light rebounded of the object, a knife, why was she holding a knife.
        “You deserve it after what you did to that little boy.” She hissed as she looked the blade over calmly glancing back over at Jackie.
         “Your lucky I don’t teleport you to a different time, to the dark ages. Does that sound like fun?” Lucille didn’t even wait for her to answer. “Oh it does doesn’t it!” She grinned mischievously as she drifted behind Jackie and held the knife to her throat as she breathed into her ear quietly.
        She closed her eyes and imagined a place of fiery hell, tree’s burned slowly as buildings crashed violently to the ground. Hell was reigning over the world. Every thing was coming to an end.
        “You see Jackie, this wasn’t supposed to happen until centuries after your generation, but, you being the way you are, I decided to let you experience what your children, children, children, children, and so on, are going to experience, Hell. I will let you experience the pain for a few hours and then I will finish my little game of cat and mouse.” She looked back as a black shadow appeared behind her and a red figure emerged from the shadow.
         “Oh my god.” Jackie whimpered.
        “Scary is it not?” Lucille smiled morbidly.
        “Why do you do such evil things?” Tears welled up in the blond's eyes as they rolled down her cheeks slowly looking around the retched scene.
        “Because, I am Lucifer’s first born child Lucille.” The gruesome thinking girl snapped giving out another one of her sinister grins.
        “No, this is all a dream, this is all a dream!” Jackie screamed covering her ears.
        “That’s what you wish, Jackie Othello.” Lucille smirked as she listened to the luscious screams Jackie was giving out.
        “You shouldn’t have done all those ill-behaved things to the little boy.” Lucille murmured in an unemotional tone.
        “I didn’t do anything to that boy!” Jackie screamed.
        “You murdered him, killed him, after you played your little game.” Lucille snapped.
        Jackie swallowed as sweat appeared on her forehead. “I swear to god I didn’t do it.”
        Lucille made the no motion with her index finger. “Ah, ah, ah, you know what you did you just don’t want to say it. Our eyes see everything, Jackie.” Lucille gave her, her best “loving smile”.
        “Okay, I admit it I did, murder him after I played with him, please just take this away!” Jackie whined desperately wanting the scene to disappear.
        “It hurts doesn’t it?” An evil smile appeared across Lucille’s beautiful pail features.
        “Yes, it does.” Jackie fell to her knees as tears finally flooded her eyes as he breathing became ragged and uneasy. “Just….take….it….away.” She cried imbetween breaths.
        Lucille sighed miserably. “Looks, like I will get to have my fun earlier than I thought, I wanted to watch her suffer, for a few hours, oh well this will be more fun.” She smiled malevolently. She clutched Jackie’s hand and brought them back to the real time.
        “You will love this,” Lucille hissed merrily.
        Lucille placed her hand on Jackie’s breast and took the knife dragging it down her stomach slowly hearing Jackie’s  breath hiss through her teeth. Lucille made deep narrow cuts into her tight pale skin.
        “ ‘tis your wonderful death, milady.” A low rumbling voice came from below.
        “Where are you my dear, sparkling one?” it questioned, as they heard chains dragging across the floor, heavy boots trudged up the steps.
        “I’m on the last step, better run away as fast as you can.” The rumbling voice mumbled deeply with pleasure.
        Lucille pushed the knife deeper into her stomach, letting her feel every inch of the blade going deeper into her intestines, causing her a great deal of pain.
        “Do you feel it cutting through your guts?” She asked as crimson liquid started to surge effortlessly from her stomach down her legs onto the auburn hard wood floor.
        Jackie started whimpering closing her eyes trying to make the pain go away.
        The door started to creek open and a large pale man in a black suit stood, he was clean cut, very buffed up, had blond hair, thin lips, and piercing on his eyebrows, and lips.
        “There you are my vibrant one!” He gave a viscous smile.
        Lucille pulled the plasma covered knife from the abrasion she gave Jackie, as the blond fell to the ground.
                    “Yes here she is, can you start a fire?” Lucille smiled happily, clapping her hands.
        “Yes, my love,” The man smiled as he started pulling boards from the walls and lit a match throwing it down as the boards came ablaze.
        Lucille grinned holding the knife over the fire, tilting her head from side to side.
        She gripped a clump of Jackie’s hair and held it to her soft pale neck. “Time to go!” She hissed throwing her head back letting out a blood-curdling roar. She dragged the knife deeply across Jackie’s neck as red fluid dripped smoothly from the incision.
        Jackie’s body started going limp as her breathing began to come to a halt.
        Her soul stood up from her body, and the large man smirked as he let out a growl. The ground started to disappear from beneath her, arms out stretched grabbing her face, arms, legs, and ripped her limb from limb as they disappeared into the depths of hell leaving everything the same as it was before things changed, taking Jackie to the underworld.
        Lucille smiled back at the man that stood there grinning. “It, is done, Beelzebub, go tell Father, the sinner was brought forth to him.”
        Beelzebub nodded kissing her neck roughly as he whispered. “I will tell Lucifer, it has been done, Love.”
        Lucille’s eyes flashed a deep red as her canines grew sharp, curving like a cats, she hissed excitedly. “We must hunt some more, souls to take down, before we return.” 

Author's Note

What do you think (I will fix this later)

Reviews

[scatterbrain]

lol. before i can tell you what I think, i'm going to need you to fix it. the first few sentences are... meh. let's see what I can:

“Stop it(,) you freak!” A teenage blond girl screamed as a black haired Gothic girl smiled maliciously. (1)
“Why, you know it’s the truth Jackie?” She replied with a mischievous smile. (2)
“I told you to stop it, Lucille!” Jackie screeched at the top of her lungs.
“But why?” She whined pulling something silver from her pocket. It flashed as the light rebounded of the silver blade, she gave Jackie a wicked smile.
“You deserve it after what you did to that little boy.” She mumbled quietly.

1: as it is, this sounds like two lines. first, the dialog. then, the action. but the action isn't an action. she screamed as she smiled. very dry, and it lacks the dimension of a human. re-write:
"Stop it," she screamed, even as the opposing girl smiled, "stop it! Stop, you freak!"
at the same time, you overly-describe both girls AND take the reader out of the story. keep the action/plot going, do not settle to describe in such amounts. no need for teenage, black-haired, Gothic (!??!!), or anything. set the mood, then start the descriptions. get the gist?

2: this girl has smiled in both sentences. waste of space.
“Why, you know it’s the truth Jackie?” She replied with a mischievous smile.
^ that is NOT a question. it is a statement. You know it is the truth.

Lucille and Jackie... love the throwback to the 60s/70s, but these names seem fake when I read them. i think that's because i haven't connected to the characters. if anything, you've thrown me in a screaming match between two girls. let me ask this:
i don't want to be between two screaming girls in real life, so why would i want to read about them? :/

the very fact that i've taken the time to critique this (at least, those few lines) means that you have some wonderful potential :) your vocabulary and string of words is wonderful, ESPECIALLY if you are 13? i thought I saw that?... anyway, you're on track to writing some VERY great stuff, but you have to practice and you have to realize your bad habits. bad habit #1 = not editing.

okay. i feel like i'm wasting your time now. i liked it, though there's much work to be done. this is my own philosophy, but i wouldn't post/publish any story for anyone to read unless it meets my own standards. if passages such as:
"Lucille clutched Jackie’s breast and slowly started with the knife dragging it down her stomach slowly hearing Jackie’s muffled screams she grave another malevolent grin. "
if that passes your standards, then... yikes.