Secrets

Dawn and Ember find out secrets that Zane has been hiding from them there whole lives.

  “Yes I do,” He retorted sadly. “Eighty years ago, on a cold, cloudy, winter night, when everybody was safe asleep in there beds, something lurked in the dark shadowy woods. It was quiet, to quiet, not a sound, not even a stir of the wind. I could feel eyes watching my every move, I couldn’t go to bed I was to….superstitious, I knew something was out there, and I wasn’t going to go to bed with that on my mind, I just couldn’t.
    “A few hours had passed, and what was in the woods was still in the woods. I was still uneasy, might I even say scared. I had a feeling of dread sweep over me. When I turned around to go back to work, I let my guard down and they knew it. I was so stupid!” He snapped but continued with his story.
    “It was all a blur, to fast, all I seen was white. I was knocked out before I could stand back up and fight.” He carried on as tears started to fill his eyes.
    “I woke up shackled to a chair, I don’t know how long I had been out but, I was worried, a new sensation over came my body that frightened me. I felt like I was an animal, a person was standing in front of me, it looked like he wanted to fight but I didn’t want any trouble, I asked him what he had done to me but he didn’t answer me. A malicious grin spread across his face, exposing his thick, long, saliva covered canines. For a second it frightened me, but, then I realized I needed to kill him. A change over took my body, and I was one of them, he was an elder, but I didn’t care, I killed him brutally. I returned here and tried living a normal life, but now that they have attacked again, and you two were the prey. When you become a werewolf you stay in youth.” He looked at his hands shyly.
    “Then how come you look so old?” Dawn questioned.
    “It is magic I have done I have created an illusion with the dust around us.” Zane gestured around us. “Dust?” I questioned. “Not the dust on a table, night dust.” He smiled. “Night dust?” I raised an eyebrow. “Night dust.” He nodded. “Night dust can make a person look old if they keep it on them, but now that, you know, what you know, I have no use in wearing it anymore.” He sighed.
    Zane stood from the bench as he nodded his head a little. “I must retire to my bed, it has been a long day.” He motioned to another room. “We will retire to our beds, it has been a long day for us to.” I replied tiredly. The strange thing was, I wasn’t tired. It felt like hours before I fell into cold darkness, no dream came, it was just pitch black. I woke up to Dawn whispering in my ear.
        “Wake up, Ember. Come on let’s go into the woods!” I slowly opened an I to see Dawns bright pale face. “Hello!” I jerked back shaking my head.     
        She giggled as she pulled out one of my dull worn out brown traveling dresses, she tossed it to me, and darted out of the room like a cat that was having water splashed onto it’s fur.
        I rubbed the sleep from my eyes as I dragged my hand through my hair breathing out a heavy sigh.
        I rolled of the bed and stood on my feet rolling my head around. I pulled on the green dress and laced on the brown corset. I pulled on my brown traveling boots, and looked around the small room looking for any changes in it, since we were gone.
        I stood up and marched out of the room and out the back door, Dawn was standing on the outskirts of the woods, waiting for me to follow her.
        “Come on, now!” She grinned from ear to ear waving me over.
        I followed her on the path and looked both ways, seeing the same luscious green plants we seen before. My emerald eyes laid on Dawns bright blond hair. I was curious as to what she wanted me to see.
        “What is it you want me to see, Dawn?” I questioned curiously.
        “Just wait.” She smiled as she peered around a tree and almost started jumping up and down. “Promise you will not speak of this.” She spoke seriously. “I promise I will not speak of this.” I couldn’t help but let out a small giggle, she amazed me some times.
        She pulled me around the tree and held her hand out. “This is, Draco.” My mouth fell open.
        “Close your mouth you are going to swallow a fly like that.” A young mans voice came from behind a tree. I closed my mouth and looked to where the voice had come from. A young man walked from around one of the various trees. His hair was black, and he had tawny skin, his eyes were a gorgeous blue gray.
        “Who are you?” I asked narrowing my eyes cautiously.
        “I’m surprised you don’t know, your ole pal Zane.” He grinned a grin I always new to be Zane’s smile.
        I shook my head in shock, and I looked back at the creature I had seen before to make sure it was still there. A massive white raven stood pecking hungrily at the ground.
        “That raven is the size of a horse!” I squeaked.
        “I know, I had him since he was a little baby.” He smiled a smile that made my stomach fill with butterflies.
        My face turned a crimson and my hand started to tremble as I diverted my attention back to the raven.
        “What do you use him for?” I asked as I took a few cautious steps towards Draco.
        “Oh, I just use him to patrol the town, if he sees anything he lets me know.” He closed his eyes and shrugged.
        “So that’s what you use him for?” Dawn asked looking back at him.
        “Yes, that’s what I use him for, I don’t have anything to use him for.” Zane frowned.
        “Have you ever tried to ride him?” She questioned. I took a few more steps towards him holding my hand out.
        Draco moved towards me and bent his head down for me to pet him.
        “No, I haven’t.” His eyebrows knitted together as he thought about it.
        “I can make you some reins for him.” Dawn smiled; she was experienced in making reins from ropes for horses, maybe she could make reins for a bird.
        “I’m not going to be the one to try to ride him.” Zane laughed.     
        “I wouldn’t mind,” Dawn grinned excitedly.
        “Alright, you will try to ride him, when you have your reins for him.” He shook his head smiling.
        I was listening to there conversation as I petted Draco and cooed soft words to him.
        I heard footsteps behind me and I looked over my shoulder. It was Zane. ’Oh dear, how do I look.’ popped into my mind. I scolded myself to have such a girlish thought.
        “Hey, Ember.” He smiled as he laid a hand on Draco’s wing.             “Hey, Zane.” I turned away a little to hide the blush.
        “Draco seems to like you, he warmed up to you better than he has Dawn.” He chuckled a bit.
        “Yeah, I have been told I am good with animals.” I replied back in a small voice.
        “You are Ember, your great with them. Look at the way you have treated Old Bessie before she died.” He tilted his head apparently trying to get a point through.
        “That’s the way I treat all living things though.” I noted to him.
        “Exactly!” He replied pointing a finger at me.
        “Animals know when a person is good or bad.” He gripped my shoulders.
        “Okay, Okay.” I smiled letting out a small giggle as I started turning around.
        I felt sad for a moment. “Even being attacked by a werewolf and being turned into one doesn’t change it?” I questioned.
        “No, you must be taught the right way, your mind mustn’t be tainted, by the werewolves in the never lands.” He replied.
        “Never Lands?” I questioned.
        “The land is called that because, it will never have anything good to come, as most foreshadow, have spoken.” Zane frowned.
        “That must be because, the king or queen taints there minds, into doing evil.” I spoke out loudly.
        He clamped his hand over my mouth and gave me the look that immediately told me to be quiet that we would talk about it later.
        I nodded slowly to confirm that I wouldn’t talk about it anymore.
        He removed his hand from my mouth and nodded his hand to make sure I wasn’t going to talk about it anymore. I blushed a little as his warm touch moved from my mouth. I wanted to feel it but against my skin this time. My heart started to raise as the thought came to my mind. I shook it out of my head, trying to keep a blush from appearing on my face.
        I ran out of the woods and called back over my shoulder. “I’m going to talk to Dawn.” I lied.
        “Alright.” He tilted his head in confusion.     

Author's Note

What did you think of the dialogue, ignore spelling and grammar, also, comments are welcome good or bad.

Reviews

[Rory CJ Frankson]

******************************************* All Stars ****************

Don't know when you'll get a chance to read this... but I'll start with what you've done right. Mostly your structure for paragraphs looks good, formatting is important as it aids read flow. You started with action, and it was fasted paced. I know that this is a draft, it's good to get it out when the irons hot and ideas are coming. So back-read and think about where areas can be fleshed out scenes re-worked, that's the work Snikers. Make notes...

I caught on that your using Fantasy... cool cause you can ride a huge white Raven. There is an evil King & Queen in Neverland. So right at the beginning, you have to set that period through descriptive, give your reader an idea of time line, things in the cabin that look rustic. Like Zane had a stew going in a big iron pot over the a swing arm in the fireplace. People have to chop wood... see what I mean. It is why people have said it feels rushed. You & Sister ran and ran to get to Zane, what did the woods look like, what kind of night was it. You got to Zane and he was worried glad to see you. Again what did the cabin look like where you'd lived with Zane for six years...

In the main you did very well for a youth writer, yes your dialogue as is said by Matthew, new line for each speaker. One of the harder parts of novelizing is convincing dialogue, you'll get it with practice. I know you read novels, if you love Fantasy... read a lot more of them. Yep love the story your in, but also study how that writer works. Describes scenery, towns, feelings, how the dialogue looks a and how the writer gets the emotions that go with, expressions, body language.

I think with time you'll be an awesome writer, as long as your willing to do the work. Truth time here, yes WC is a social site and its fun to mix it up with on-line friends. Yet if you you really desire to grow into a writers shoes... stay in school, make your English Teachers work for their wages, ask questions they will be more than happy to answer. They will see your serious, have been reading your genre, studying and will ask you to show them your stories... that's how to grow.

Maybe when the you know what is done, I can help some with all that as well. I'm going into on line publishing, so it's in my my interest to help young writers. I have two novels posted here on my series, read them and look at how I write, how I still struggle to get it right after many years. So I say this is a good start, I hope you get time to work more on it. If your parents let you work on the Word Processor for now and not on line... keep working your writing skills. An hey, so me a favor and be be a good kid, have some fun being young... but some goals are worth hanging in there. You do have a creative and imaginative talent Snikers.

**************************************Good work kiddo *************

Romon in Review -- Sun. May8/11 3:23pm -- Peace & Love Ro

[Matthew Ian Herrawood W]

the night dust dialouge was a little confusing. once again new lines for a diffrent speaker. apart from that everything was alot better than the first chapter with fewer mistakes. another good chapter although im not sure how the second half contributed to the story. in my opinion the chapters could be longer too but they are a perfect length im just somone who likes loooong chapters. nicly done