Chaos in Life

A woman who finally escapes an abusive mother daughter relationship, finds herself dragged back into it, as her life was finally starting settle into normalcy and a possible first friend.

WARNING GRAPHIC SCENES AND  LANGUAGE READERS DISCRETION ADVISED

Chaos in Life

Chapter 1

By: Shikon A. Ookami

  Anita Raven Zakuro Age: 7

It was cold and windy outside and Mommy and I were in the middle of a back street dirt alley outside of our house. There were a few other houses in the alley but no one lived in them. Our house was small brown and a bit beaten up. The windows were broken and the heat didn't work, the paint was chipping off, and you could see the house used to be a dark green, but it was home. 

"YOU USELESS, COWARDICE STUPID CHILD YOU. I CAN'T BELIEVE I BIRTHED SOMEONE SO, SO, SO WORTHLESS. I SENT YOU TO DO ONE TASK ONE F*****G TASK AND YOU COME BACK HOME EMPTY HANDED! WHY? WHY ARE YOU EMPTY HANDED YOU DAMNED CHILD!"

Mommy was yelling at me again because I failed to get her, her liquid medicine. I hated when Mommy yelled at me. I loved her so much and wanted to make her happy. She had beautiful blonde straight hair that ran to her shoulders, and her eyes were like dark brown chocolates, so big and round, and her lips were full and red with the lipstick she put on. Her white dress made her skin look pale and sparkly in the moon's glowing light. She was so pretty.

"WELL ANSWER ME RAT." Mommy yelled again. 

"I did get your medicine mommy. I really did, but some really scary men came and took it from me. They said if I didn't hand it over they'd do really bad things to me and then they'd hurt you." I sunk to my knees hiding my head and started crying as Mommy took out a belt and whipped it at me. Across my back, neck, feet, hands and arms over, and over, and over again. The belt cracked light thunder in my ears. It hurt and my vision turned blurry.

"WHY CAN'T YOU JUST FOLLOW DIRECTIONS YOU STUPID CHILD!" Mommy kept yelling at me and punishing me for failing her. 

"I'm sorry Mommy I'll go back and get some more. Please don't be angry." My back and neck hurt some much I couldn't think or hear anything other than Mommy's angry voice. 

"TOO LATE FOR THAT!" 

"Please Mommy stop. You're scaring me." I cried out. I felt like my body was being torn apart. It hurt, it hurt so much. I screamed in pain unable to stop.

"SHUT UP YOU MISERABLE CHILD. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT BRINGING ME MY MEDICINE. YOU WANT ME TO DIE, IS THAT IT? YOU UNGRATEFUL CHILD. I'VE CLOTHED YOU, FED YOU ,AND HAVE KEPT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD SINCE YOU WERE BORN! AND YOU CAN'T EVEN DO ONE LITTLE TASK FOR ME! I WISH I HAD NEVER GIVEN BIRTH TO YOU!" Mommy kept screaming and screaming and screaming until I couldn't hear or feel anything, anymore, except for the cold wind attacking my back and feet.

"Don't say that Mommy" My voice sounded small to me but I didn't know why. I couldn't tell if she was done punishing me or yelling. I couldn't tell. I look up and the belt connected to my face. A view of dark grey clouds filled my vision and a crack of thunder rang in my ears, and then nothing.    

TO BE CONTINUED

Author's Note

I tried my best to really get the scene and feelings of what's going on through. I'm not always so good at laying out a scene so I hope I succeeded in that. Also This is no where near done. Just a little taste. Let me know what you think please I could always use a bit of feed back.

Reviews

[JayG]

Well, you did ask...

You're thinking in terms of explaining, in visual terms. But both of those have problems:

Explaining/reporting is a nonfiction technique. And because only you can hear the emotion in the narrator's voice, it's inherently dispassionate. You're using the personal pronouns of first person to try to make the writing seem more personal, but is there really a difference between:
- - - - -
"Mommy was yelling at me again because I failed to get her, her liquid medicine. I hated when Mommy yelled at me."

And:

Mommy was yelling at her again because she failed to get her, her liquid medicine. She hated when Mommy yelled at her.
- - - -
No difference at all (except that in third person we learn the protagonist's gender), because in both cases, someone not on the scene is talking ABOUT it. First person viewpoint, which is what you're trying to emulate, is a very different thing. Think about it. As a reader, are you hoping to learn what happens, or do you want the writer to make you feel that you're living the scene in parallel with the protagonist?

First person uses "I" and "My" in place of "She" and "Her." But there's a LOT more to it than personal pronouns—none of it mentioned in our school days, because their goal was to teach us writing skills we would use, day-to-day on our job, not the specialized knowledge of the fiction writer. Professions—and writing fiction is one—are learned after we perfect the skills of three R's. We're not aware of that, of course, which is why pretty much everyone makes this same mistake. So in this you have a LOT of company

As for the visual, think about it: It is well said that a picture is worth a thousand words. Can we really accomplish even a fraction of that with a few lines of description? Hell no. In life, beween two eyeblinks we absorb a huge amount of data. In that time we learn what's to be seen. We notice the ambiance of the scene, who's in it, their age and dress and attitude, what's going on, and so much more background information. And, at the same time, we get the soundscape. So in a second or less we're oriented and ready for the action. But try to give the reader all that on the page and the reader will spend FIVE MINUTES reading about what they would see, while the important person, the protagonist, is ignoring most of it.

Obviously, we cannot use the tricks of stage and screen, or those of a verbal storytelling because if it takes longer to read about something happening than to live it the story moves in slow motion.

To get around tha problem the fiction writer narrows the focus to what matters to the protagonist in the tiny slice of time they call "now." Who cares what the empty buildings look like—or what's there to be seen—if she's ignoring them? If it's summer, do we care that the heater in her house doesn't work? No, that's irrelevant background detail, not story. Story happens as we watch, in real-time. In fact, if it's winter, and she's in the house, bundled up, and pulling the coat closer around her, won't we know there's no heat? In other words, isn't it more meaningful, and interesting, to show the situation than to talk about it?

Remember where I said they don't teach us the tricks of fiction in school? That matters, because what I'm talking about isn't related to how well you're writing. Nor is it about your talent or potential as a writer. It's that there's another set of writing skills that no one tells us exists during our school years, one, that makes fiction work.

Why is it necessary? Because nonfiction explains, so it's fact-based and author-centric—and must be because the goal is to inform the reader.

But you and I read fiction to be entertained by vicariously living the story as-the-protagonist. In a history book there's no uncertainty because it's a record of events, and thus, immutable. But...place the reader in the character's moment of now; make them know what the protagonist is focused on, why, and what their decision-making process is, and you've calibrated the reader's view to that of the protagonist. We know WHY the protagonist acts or speaks, and what s/he hopes to accomplish. But what will happen in response is unknowable, and therefore, interesting. And THAT'S why we read fiction. For an emotional, not an informational experience. And you can learn to do that as easily (or with as much of a problem, I suppose) as you did the tricks of nonfiction.

It's not all that easy to learn. I won't mislead you there—though if you are born to write, the learning will be fun. Like any other profession it takes practice and study. But then, writing isn't a destination, it's a lifetime's journey. And if you write just a bit better today than yesterday, continue that, and live long enough...

So do some digging. After all, your reader has seen nothing but professionally written work since they began to read, and expects it of you. So some time, and perhaps a few coins, invested in acquiring your writer's education make sense. Right?

A great resource is the local library's fiction writing section. There, you'll find the views of pros in teaching, publishing, and writing. My personal recommendation, though, is a book that may not be in the library: Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It will give you the basic, nuts-and-bolts issues of creatring scenes that sing to the reader. You can find it on any online bookseller.

So...wasn't all that like trying to take a sip from a fire hose, when you expected to be handed something you'd like a lot better? I've been there, and something like this comes out of nowhere, and hurts, after the work you've put into your writing.

But it is something everyone faces on the way to publication, so it's a bump in the road (albeit a BIG bump) not a disaster.

One thing that might help orient you, and give you a taste of the issues you need to look into is the articles in my writing blog. They're meant to help the hopeful writer trying to get things under control.

But whatever you do...hang in there, and keep-on-writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Shikon Akuma Ookami]

hmmmm... I figured I might of added a few unnecessary things in there and visual scenes are not a strong point of mine I'll admit. I appreciate the feed back though it was exactly what I was looking for. Also As for learning about writing I'm honestly self taught. English was/is my weakest subject. I'll check out the book and link you offered though. In regards to that, Thank you. ~Shikon~

[Shikon Akuma Ookami]

A lot of your points are very valid and I saw what needs attention in my writing as I read you website. Though I don't agree with everything you said I've learned a lot from it. I'll try rewriting this and I hope you'll read it it once more. I don't aim for perfection because that's an illusion that makes man insane but I do aim for better heights. If that makes any sense. On a side note referring to your remark on 1st and third person are you saying writing would be more emotionally appealing to readers? I can see how that is can be the case. I also have a few other questions if you are okay with conversing with me. You can say no I won't mind you've opened my eyes a lot already and for that I thank you.
~Shikon~