A friend

I'm sorry friend
I can not be,
can not be the one you want me to be
Can't be the words you whispered in my ear

If i wanted to be your loved one,
you asked it so sincere,
many words just can't grasp
the emotions, the feelings, such a mess


Sorry friend,
I can't be,
I can't be your lover
I'm not the one you wanted to see.

I'm sorry friend
I give you hope,
that some day a sun will rise,
Just like our love.

I'm sorry friend
i mean it sincere,
Because I can't answer your love
and it's hurting you
you're no longer a friend of me

Reviews

[Kiri Nells]

I think you have a good poem-- in the making. I'd like to see some better vocabulary and cleverly put together phraseology. Not all poems call for it, but 99% do. This poem, unfortunately is not purposely simple, so it could be stronger with it's emotionally striking words. Also, if you enter a draft like this one, you should mention that it's only a draft. If it's not a draft, think about fixing some of the grammar issues so that we can all see you care enough about your poetry to type it correctly. I'm sorry about the harshness, I'm simply too sick of seeing all these little, easy-to-fix problems in poetry.
Other than the few issues, I hope you continue your journey as a poet and I wish you the best as you try to improve your work in this art.

Thank you for sharing,
Kiri

95/100

[Juliet]

The start of three or so stanzas, "I'm sorry friend" is a wee bit redundant. I like the meaning you're trying to convey with this poem, but I believe that maybe if you switched the wording in some places it could improve. A lot of "can't be"'s as well.

For instance, the first stanza. You could go from
"I'm sorry friend
I can not be,
can not be the one you want me to be
Can't be the words you whispered in my ear"

to,
I'm truly sorry friend.
I cannot be,
The one you expected of me.
Can't fulfill the words you whispered in my ear"

I'm not saying you have to use my version, but simply by adding different words or conveying it differently rather than using the same phrasing this poem can come off to everyone else just as powerful and well written as I'm sure you intend.

I only want to help. Good luck. :)

[∂αʌ<..]

i think its a very very good poem!
a very poignant poem if you can understand the double meaning of it !
fantastic write!

[emmajoy]

There's a steady flow of sadness in this, a kind of turning feelings inside out from being loved and wanted to becoming a rejector. Well written for the most, you're well on the way, poet, just need to read lots of published poetry.

[nevermindfan1991]

This was so sad. But I found this very interesting, because it was told from the perspective of the one who actually causes the heart break. It just hit me when you practically said I just want to be friends. Oh...so many emotions I felt because I've actually been on the other side. Great Job!

[thesecretivegirl]

I agree with Kiri Nells on the grammar and words. Otherwise I love it!

[An owl on the moon]

This hit me so deeply.. my life is in this sadly moving music just now... Won't say more except your words are filled with powerful emotion.

[Jeremy Baker]

Unusual ending, not what I was expecting at all. The repetition builds trension and suspense, and the emotions are straight-forward and lacking in artifice. Great writing here!

[Linear]

The English is broken a little but that's to be expected since english is not your first language, even so your words came through and most readers will enjoy the poem, well done, fat better than I could write in a language not of my own. :0)

[Eagle Cruagh]

Excellent writing.
Terrific poem.
You drew the reader in from the first line,
entertained, interested and created
excitement and in the end you told a story
and ended it with a moral.
In my mind there is nothing more that you
could have done. It was excellent from
beginning to end.
Thank you,
----- Eagle Cruagh

[Coyote Poetry]

No weakness in this poem. You were direct and used honest words. Sometime best way to be. You gave me a surprise ending. A excellent poem.
Coyote