Lost Memories chapter 3 till 6

Chapter 3

 

 

The only thing that I can think when he smiles so happily is, ‘Hell, you’re a good actor.’ but the happiness in his eyes can't be faked and that makes me aware he means it. I wonder why he is so happy; no one ever cared.  While I see the smile fade on his face, I wonder why he looks mad; but that is probably my imagination.  I could never find an adult in my life that hates my mom, usually they hate me…I’m such a burden and she tells it to all her friends.

I decide to listen to their conversation, instead of my own depressing thoughts, when I heard the words from my mother that I have heard before:

“Trish is such a sweetheart, but she can't take care of herself, I mean, a blackout for two days?  That wouldn't have happened if she had listened to me.”

I see that the smile of the doctor gets smaller while thinking to myself how ironic it is that she calls me sweetheart while she actually says I can't do anything right. She meant it when she said to me ''Just except Cate is dead.'' the only reason she said that was to hurt me, but the cruelest thing was that she forbade me from visiting Cate.

I chose ferocity above sadness. Sadness, because my mom didn't care about me; Ferocity, because she just wanted to hurt me, to rip me apart. That was the last time I talked to her again.

Usually people that talk to my mom don't notice that her words are cruel, but this doctor seems to notice.

He frowns and says ‘Just let me figure out what is wrong with Trish’, without reacting on her inviting smile, he turns around to look at me; his frown goes away and he looks worried.

My mom stands behind him and looks furious. I know what she thinks: ‘Once again, Trish gets all the attention.’  Good thing I got used to that look; I keep myself from crying.

I let my eyes wander back to the doctor again and he looks mad.  “Trish, can you please answer my questions.”  I nod but he still looks mad at me; I thought he would be different.

I guess I thought wrong...once again...and I know I'm a screw up. Like mom and others always tell me, ‘I can't do anything right’.  I see his mad look at me and listen to the questions that I need to answer.

 

As soon as I answered the questions he says you need weekly check up

I get mad from inside but I’m smart enough to hide it

I don’t want to check up every week it’s a waste of time

and it only cheer my mom on to come along to the hospital to see the doctor.

I look at her to get the confirmation of her thoughts;

the big smile makes it clear she is very happy with this arrangement. She wants to see the doctor every week; not that she cares about me.

I look back at the doctor while I dull my anger about how she could treat me like that. I ask why I need to come every week; before the doctor can answer

my mom says

 

“Sweetie, it isn’t necessary to go alone; I will come along.”

 

While she only looks at the doctor, she can’t make it any clearer that she only wants him and that I’m just air for her; a non-existing thing.

She doesn’t even have the decency to let me know she thinks I’m good enough.

The doctor doesn’t notice all the attention from my mom because he is still turned with his back to her, but his frown gets deeper, like he is annoyed with something.

probably with me because I ask such a question.  He is probably thinking ‘Why is she talking to me, I’m the doctor, doesn’t she know anything?’

 

My mom always said ‘Trish, don’t ask stupid questions, just do what you’re supposed to do, don’t make it any clearer than it already is that you’re not the brightest light in the room.’

But I won’t listen to her anymore…I don’t have the time for weekly checkups; I need to be with Cate.

The only thing I need to do now is be there for Cate.  I can’t help it that I get a sad look in my eyes; that always happens when I think of Cate.

The doctor turns around before I can define what changed in his expression...sadness?...grief maybe.

 

 

 He faces my mom…

 

 

 

Chapter 4

 

 

“Mrs. Monteiro, that isn’t necessary, Trish can come alone.”

 

I feel a bit of happiness; that is an alien feeling to me.  It’s been so long since I’ve had the feeling that I thought it didn't exist.  As soon as the emotion came though, it was gone again...again, because of a remark that my mom makes.

 

“It's Ms. Parker, you can call me Olivia.” she says, fluttering her eyes.  I almost asked if there was something stuck in her eyes; but I didn‘t.

 I can't resist  though, and role my eyes; can she be any more obvious that she is divorced?

 

My mom divorced my dad because he was always too busy with his work. She wouldn't have minded if she had more to spend but...there was never enough for her;

 Mom told me that lots of times.  He left me alone at home, but he never gave me any money in exchange.

 So, she divorced my dad and he moved to another country.

 When I was four he left me.  The only thing I remember is that he was very nice to me, but also that he hardly had time for me; he was always too busy with work.

 My mom told me often that his work was more important for him than I ever was.

 Now he calls every half year; my mom calls it his ‘innocence call' she always said he never enjoyed it, rather, it was to put his mind and conscience at ease. 

 He is still too busy for me, but he still sounds very nice over the phone. Though I hardly remember him from my own memories, my mom filled the gaps with her own descriptions; I got his picture through her:

 

‘A person that cares more about his work than about his family. He is sweet but only to feel happy; he always wants personal gain.’

 

Lost in those thoughts again, I ignore what my mom is saying; probably the same things she always says.  I snap back to reality when I see the doctor open his mouth to talk, and I begin to listen.

 

"Okay Miss Parker, but it's still not necessary that you come along, despite the fact that you think it would all be useless."

 

            My mom opens her mouth to argue with the doctor, but I’m done letting Mom decide for me. It’s time to decide for myself; besides, I still wasn’t planning to come every week to a doctor that didn't even answer my questions. I knew I was wrong about him; he doesn't care about me. So I interrupted their conversation...at least my mom comments; I ask again:

 

''Why do I need to come for a weekly check up?''

 

            The doctor turns towards me.  My mom opens her mouth to reprimand

 Me for my question, but the doctor speaks first, keeping my mom from commenting on my question; I‘m relieved to discover this. The doctor starts talking and I listen closely.

 

"Out of the questions that I asked you, you answered that you don't eat regularly, and you are under a lot of stress; that caused a black out for two days.  All together it's not good, not good at all, and I want to prevent that from happening again or something happening a lot worse.”

 

             While the doctor talked on I began to lose focus; all I could think of were worse things…Cate in her bed, all alone in her room.  So I promise the doctor to visit every week, then ask the doctor to leave.  The doctor looks surprised, but says I can go.  I throw my blanket off me before my mom can comment, but the doctor was clearly not finished speaking yet because he stops me.  He tells me to finish my meal before I leave the room or I won’t be allowed to leave.  I look at him with an empty expression.  I boil inside, who the hell does he think he is?  l comply regardless, and look down at the food in front of me.

 

            With my meal in front of me I begin to realize that I am actually starving. I can't remember the last time I ate a whole meal; it must have been four weeks, the same time since Cate…no don't think of that I remind myself.  So, I start nibbling at my sandwich; I finish half of the sandwich and am completely filled by the small amount of food. The doctor noticed and said:

 

“Trish you’re going to eat the rest also otherwise I won't sign the discharge papers and you won't be able to leave.”

 

            I had no reply to that; not that I would talk back anyway. I felt sick from eating too much but I knew I couldn't stop. I finally finished my sand which and stand up only to find out I don't have any clothes.

 

"Where are my clothes?” I ask the doctor.

 

            “In the little closet next to you.” the doctor answers. I look around and find the closet next to me; I also notice that I'm in a private room that probably costs a little fortune. I knew that coma patients always have their own room in this hospital because they can't breathe without help from machines  that put a tube in their throat. The hospital doesn't want to scare other patients so they give coma patients a separate room. I wonder who paid for my room but I'm smart enough not to ask. I stand up and become dizzy. I keep myself standing up by holding the bed side. The doctor walks towards me and asks:

 

Trish are you alright?”

 

 

Chapter 5

 

            “Yes I'm fine” I say. I look up again and the dizziness goes away. I look around and I don't feel light headed anymore. Then I meet moms gaze once I see she looks jealous I just know she is jealous that I got all the attention from the doctor again. She is probably thinking. 'Again Trish get all the attention'. She probably thinks I'm her rival or something. I think to myself 'You can have him mom, just like all the others'. I walk to the closet and get my clothes out. A black pair of jeans and a black top. As soon as mom sees them she asks:

 

"Since when do you have black clothes?”

 

            I don't even bother to answer; I'm done trying to be the perfect daughter I'll never be and never was. If she cares she would have known I always had these clothes but I disliked wearing black. But these colors make me feel slightly more comfortable... since four weeks ago... since the night that Cate slipped into a coma since she was drunk and.... No don't think of that, I can't think of that. I end the thought and ask were my shoes are because I figured I didn't have any on because my feet were getting cold from the floor.

 

            “They are under your bed sweetie.” my mom answers. I walk with the clothes and get my shoes from under the bed. After I got my shoes I throw everything on my bed and turn around to the doctor and my mom and put my arms above each other and look at them both. They look confused at me but just stare intensely at the door. The doctor knows what I'm thinking first and he isn't happy, not happy at all.

 

"Trish you are not awake long enough to be alone” he says. I still stare at the door.

 

Okay we will go outside.” my mom says. The doctor looks mad at her and I am confused but then I see her take his hand to drag him outside and then I know why she stood up against him; why she gave me my privacy, so she could be alone with the doctor. She wanted his attention all this time, but this didn't bother me at all. In a weird way I was grateful, even when she did it for her own purpose she granted my wish. I turned around to the bed again and started to change.

 

            The jeans that once fitted perfectly became too wide to wear. I walk to the closet and get my backpack and lay it down on the floor as I put a piece of rope around my waist like a belt so my jeans wouldn't fall off. My shirt was always wide so that wouldn't give any problems and my sneakers were black; I put on fast without even checking if my shoes laces are tied.

           

            Then I put my backpack on my back and walk to the door and notice a mirror; I look at myself. Long straight hair till over my shoulders fuzzy like I just woke up from a night sleep, brown eyes without any expression, empty like I feel. I'm like a ghost everywhere I go nobody notices that I'm there.  The only thing I do or at least tried to do was be a perfect daughter, to please my mom but even in that I failed.

           

            Now I'm just a shadow, a shadow different from people. The one that lets people down.  I can't look at myself anymore. I'm mad that I am useless and I had enough of that. I had enough of thinking to myself that I'm useless and I will change that.

           

            I take the mirror of the wall and smash it on the ground it shatters in hundred pieces. I'm mad at myself for being nothing, nothing at all. The doctor and mom hurry in and look astonished to the glass pieces all over the floor. I open my mouth and say I will walk home.

Reviews

[halflives]

IT'S MY NAME! "You can call me Olivia she." should be "You can call me Olivia."
-
HELL. YES. There's a character with my name! :D

[Coyote Poetry]

A very strong story. I like the way you begin the story. The family history gave the story reason and purpose. I like the description of the father and the mother. The hospital situation was well written. Hard for a kid to be in a hospital. I like her desire to walk home and leave the chaos behind. A excellent story.
Coyote

[TheElfPrincess]

I liked this very much. It suddenly changed color, which was a bit strange, but overall it was very good. I like the characters and story-line.