The Complicated Past of Sarah and Jax (working title)

This snapshot follows the lives of Sarah and Jax who once shared a past and now are estranged. Jax, still in love with Sarah, is willing to fight to get her back even though he is engaged.

Sarah

Our breaths were labored; heavy. The rain hard and steady around us, similar to the constant stare.

"Why did you come back?" I yelled over to him, taking one single step forward.

"Why do you think?" He replied with the hint of humor on his lips. "Do you honestly think I was going to follow through with a marriage without seeing you again?"

"But it makes no sense at all!" I pulled my hair out of my face in frustration, wiping my face of the rain.

"How?” He asked, his eyes filled with questions and the hints of love. “Because I want to follow through and know that I didn't make a mistake? Or because I don't want any regrets?" 

"All of it Jax!" I was getting angry now, I could feel the fury burning inside. "You come back here, stir up all the old feelings, emotions I buried, and the memories I tried so hard to forget. And for what? Your own satisfaction?!" I did not realize how close we were until I was in his face. "It's idiotic. What happens when you leave and go off to your alter and say vows? What happens to me? The life I had built here on my own? Or did that not matter to you at all?" The tears were mingling with the rain on my face. My face burning with heat from anger and pain. 

"Sarah, why do you assume I'm leaving?" He held my face in his hands, his thumb wiping away my tears. "Do you think I'm that cruel? That I came here for months, only to leave you broken and hurt again? 'Cause sweetheart, you're so wrong." 

"You're just going to uproot all the way here?" My heart just raced and my mind was a jumbled mess. "You're going to leave her there? Alone?" I pulled away from him. "That- that is just wrong and cruel! Jaxon, go home."

"Sarah..." He pleaded, reaching out. 

"Go home. Get married. Leave here, now."

I never looked back as I turned away and stormed off home. I heard him call for me, but I was determined to block him out.

 

 

--Sarah, call me. Jax. 

--Please talk to me. Jax.

--Quit being stubborn. Jax. 

 

I looked up from my screen of messages to the empty wall, it needed something to bring life to the room. My mind, being creatively blocked, could not figure out what it needed. With plain furniture and plain walls, the room was dull and rather boring. 

 

After a moment of just staring at the walls, I grabbed the samples and rolled the paint on the walls. Side by side, neat little bars of various hues creating a beautiful array on the wall. 

Then my mind trailed away to Jaxon. How he looked the day I met him, walking around our high school’s stage with microphone cables in a simple Pink Floyd tee shirt and dark skinny jeans. I had just walked in, a flurry of energy and instruction into the theatre.

“Alright b*****s, what is happening tonight?” I announced as I set down all of my things next to the sound board.

Jaxon looked up at me, bewildered that such a little thing could be so obnoxious, I assumed. After a beat, he resumed placing down stage microphones and the speakers, every once in a while looking over at me across the orchestra seating.

He jumped off the stage, effortlessly passing some fine equipment in the makeshift pit and walked up the aisle to me. I smiled expectantly at him, crossing my arms as I waited for him to introduce himself. Walking past me, he went over to the sound board, fiddled with some buttons and faders, pausing to look at me.

“May I help you?” His tone was a lit cold, calculating almost.

I attempted to square him up, placing my hands on my hips. “You’re the sound engineer, I assume?”

“The one and only.” He took one step toward me. “Let me repeat, may I help you?”

My jaw dropped slightly, he was challenging me to a game and I had to play. “I am your director.” I smiled, gauging his reaction, but he had a great poker face.

“No, you’re not.” He looked me over, his eyebrow shot up. “Miss Sicarlin is the director, I have been talking to her about this for the last two weeks.”

I chuckled and took a step toward him, he had a good foot on me, but I was not going to back down. “Yes, she is the director, but I am the technical director. I control lights and the sound, I am your chick in command.” My hands rested on my hips, glaring at him I dared him to try and make another move.

“You are in charge of the technical department?” he questioned, looking down at me.

Whoa, he smelled so sharp and enticingly amazing. “Yes, I am.”

He walked away, leaving me in some shock. I began pulling out a journal and the script as I heard him mutter to himself, “This is going to be a long tech week.”

There was a knock at my door, drawing me away from memories of long ago. My mind reoriented itself to the present and out of the past as I walked to my front door. And when my eyes met my visitor, I wished I had been oblivious to the knock at all. 

"You're supposed to be four hundred miles east of here getting fitted for a tux, not on my doorstep." My words were cold, unloving. It was a tone I had never given Jaxon, but at this point in our standing, it was the only thing I could muster that was not tears. 

“Sarah, you wouldn't answer my texts, and I need to explain--"

"You've done more than enough," I interrupted before I could erupt in tears and heartache. "Now if you need a plane ticket, I can happily get one for you, at a reasonable price. Just get home."

"Home?" He scoffed. "A home where the woman that supposedly loves me is more in love with my bank account and the details of her designer dress. Where she meticulously goes over numbers to insure a full wipe out of my assets in case of divorce. There is no love! She got her end game and I got played." The betrayal was evident in his voice, his own pain written on his face. He walked away from my door and sat on my porch rocking chair. He looked devastated, worn. 

Knowing I should not get involved, but having a big heart I walked out on my porch and sat on my little porch swing across from him. His eyes were closed, as if he were praying in silence. The moment was heavy with drama and heartache from both sides. 

"I'm not forgiving you," I started after a long moment of silence. "I just see that you need a friend. Clearly. So, I'm here as an open ear. But just to remind you that I'm simply a friend, and nothing more."

“Let me just ask one question first before you put on your shrink hat.” He said, glaring at me with deep eyes, assessing my every move.

Cautiously, I nodded.

“Tell me about this Luke that just so happens to never be here.”

I took a deep breath, knowing I had to steady myself. "Luke is away on a special case over in Washington. We have been together a year and known each other for two. I adore him, he is kind and sweet and always thoughtful of how I am doing. Never crude, unless it's over football, and even tempered. He treats me well, better than any man has. And I won't let you ruin that."

"Of course not," he spoke. He looked up at me, right then, tears stinging his eyes and showing me his soul. "You're going to ruin it if you hadn't already."

My mouth dropped and I stood up abruptly. "How dare you come here and--"

He gripped my wrist and looked right in my eyes as he stood in front of me. "You had a nice little speech. Yeah, sure, he treats you nice and all. But you didn't mention one thing to make me believe your happiness, Sarah. You said 'I adore him'. Not 'I love him', 'adore'. Which, coming from you, means you're lying about your feelings or something is up."

I shook my wrist to free myself from his grip and glare. "Go home. I've had it with you."

"And you're lying to yourself." He began going down my porch steps until he turned back. "Sarah, grow a pair and leave him since you're unhappy."

"Same goes for you, hypocrite." I said coldly, letting my screen door slam against the frame.

 

 

 

Jaxon

The flight was long and miserable back home. The drive was soul crushing. The entrance home, depressing. I had ruined the one chance I had left before I got married to a woman I loathe. But I heard sounds in the stairwell and my problems took care of themselves when I saw my fiancé tangled in sheets with a man I had never met. I shut the door on their doe eyed faces and headed to the bar. 

              The walk allowed me to clear my head about Sarah, my now ex-fiancé, my family, and my decisions. I wanted to blame my family and their success for my troubles, which being bred into such pedigree is what caused Jennifer to walk into my life. That the constant pressure from my father to gain the education in order to carry the family legacy and business caused me to go astray from Sarah in college. However, I knew deep in my soul that it was all my choices and decisions that put me in my predicament. I could have chosen a different path from what my father wanted, and actually be happy with Sarah, probably would not have been cheated on and such low expectations of marriage.

            I entered the bar, the warm aroma of greasy burgers and draft beer gave me a familiar hug. I gave a nod at my favorite bartender, Sam, and he knew just what I needed. He slid a bottle at me and went to wipe down the counter, letting me enjoy my beer. I pulled out my phone, hoping to have a message from Sarah, it was a futile effort, but I had to check. As usual, it was just my screen and no messages from her.

            “Jax, what woman has your heart all twisted?” Sam asked as he made his way down the counter with a big stack of hot French fries and a bottle of ketchup. “Seems like ya need this, eh?”

            “As usual Sam, you are right.” I took a bite of one of the fries and savored the crunch and warmth in my mouth. “Sarah.”

            He just stared at me, sucked his teeth and brought out two shot glasses. “Explains why you haven’t been in lately.” He poured vodka in both glasses and passed one to me. “Means you found her. What happened?”

            I just grabbed the glass and shot it back and enjoyed the burn of alcohol. “Engaged to the town doctor.”

            Sam passed me the other glass. “Not what you expected, then again, from how you described, she wasn’t gonna wait forever for ya.”

            I let the last shot burn along with his comment, only because he was right. I partially wanted her to wait for me to get to my senses, but that would not have been fair to her. I could only nod at Sam as he picked up the shot glasses and let me finish my beer and basket of fries. But in that moment of realization, I knew what I had to do and figure out how to accomplish it.

            Two hours passed until I left the bar and walked in the city nightlife. I knew I could not head back to my apartment, so I decided to head to the office. As I entered the elevator to get up to my office, I dialed Sarah and prayed that she would answer. It rang three times before I heard her sweet voice.

            “Hello?”

            “Do you remember our first spring break together?” I asked, hoping she could recall the time.

            “What?” I could tell she was more confused at the random memory than the call.

            “Spring break. We decided to head out to Florida because you had never been and wanted to go to the beach. So we drove for over fifteen hours and got to watch the sunrise on Daytona Beach. Your face when you saw the sun just make the water glitter was priceless. I had more fun in our nonstop conversation on the drive than the beach itself. I thought that I had found the most beautiful woman in the whole world. I knew I was so lucky to have you all to myself and that you had chosen me, and I just wanted to say,” I took a breath before my next words. “Sarah, I wanted to say that I am so sorry if I made anything complicated in your life or in your relationship. I wanted-“

            “Jax, I can’t do this.” I could hear her tears streaming down her face. “You can’t just call me when you feel like reminiscing and interrupt my life.” She paused and murmured something to someone. “I am getting married. You have a life in New York. Can we leave the past in the past? Please.”

            I looked down at the tile of the elevator, feeling defeated. “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry. Goodbye Sarah.”

            “Bye, Jaxon.” The familiar triple beeps indicated that I missed my chance long ago. That was it. I deleted her number from my phone and accepted that what we had, many years ago, was officially over. The elevator finally reached my office, I walked to the floor-to-ceiling window and watched the city buzz with life. I decided it was time to start mine and to truly commit to the company.

 

 

 

 

Sarah

            Everything was set. Candles burning a path to the kitchen, where his favorite dish was all warmed up and prepared for his homecoming. I wore the softest cotton dress that was the perfect shade of blue that accentuated my eyes, I knew he loved that about this dress. I heard his car pull up and I got excited, I began playing our song, a sweet smooth sound in the background.

He walked in and I drank in every ounce of him. I could see that he was exhausted, yet still thrilled to be home. Luke put his suitcase down and luggage by the door, took three strides to simply pick me up and twirl me around. I could not help but giggle at the most silliest thing we ever did, something very fun. I looked into his deep brown eyes and could not be happier to be back in his arms.

“Oh babe,” he sighed. “I vow to never be so far away for so long. I couldn’t handle it.” He kissed my forehead, holding me so close to him. I could hear him inhale deeply and sigh in sweet contentment.

“Gosh,” I inhaled his sweet cologne and just him. “I have missed you so much.” I kissed his chest, nuzzling close to him. “There is so much to tell you.”

“And I can’t wait to hear it all,” he began, with a smile playing on his lips. “But I smell onion steak and your famous mashed potatoes. A home cooked meal and it’s your best dish ever.” He kissed me deeply, “And everyone thought I was lying when I said I was marrying the perfect woman.”

I led him over to the kitchen, only to get picked up one more time, put on the counter to kiss the most handsome man I knew and loved deeply. He gripped at my waist, our tongues dances and mingled, reacquainting ourselves with one another after so long. That was until my ring got caught his hair.

He pulled away laughing. “Oh Sarah, sweetheart, I like it rough, but not like that.”

I giggled at the awkwardness and attempted to get my ring out of his hair.

“I missed your laugh,” he whispered to me. The moment was intimate, simply looking into each other’s eyes, finally together after months apart. However, there was a small pit in my stomach, telling me that something was missing.

Then a deep growl interrupted the connection, breaking up in laughter. My thoughts washed away and a small drive to feed a hunger man took over. I put food on his plate and served some of my famous sweet tea, he looked as if it was a spread of a feast, not a meal he has had multiple times. His eyes closed, immersing himself into a prayer.

“Heavenly Father, thank you for my safe travels and coming back home to a lovely bride to be. Thank you for our great health and the health of Alice. Lord, you are wondrous and we are grateful for everything you have provided us with, most importantly love. And we love your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.”

“Amen,” I whispered, leaving my own personal prayer between the Lord and myself.

********************************************************

 

After hours of watching Luke become reacquainted with our home and take notice of the many changes, I could feel something has shifted between us. Even after making love for the first time since he left, it was different, and awkwardly unspoken. We laid in bed together, skin to skin, silence. We did not discuss the change that we both felt, simply dancing around the topic to other safe ones.

Luke fell asleep shortly after we showered and came back to bed, he began whispering to himself. Startled by the sudden break in his breathing, the words were partially incoherent, nothing really made any sense.

I decided to slip into my own world of dreams and secrets, imaging my world of hidden desires and untold wishes of my true fantasy.

 

 

 

“Sarah, I will be honest, I don’t want to have a church wedding. I know your mom prefers the traditional church thing, but I-”

“Thank goodness.” I interrupted with relief. “The church seems so stuffy!”

“Exactly!” Jax agreed with a smile and eyes bright. “I was thinking something more open, more clear and fresh.”
            “Outside?” I asked, a bit excited, hoping that our thoughts were leading to the same dream goal.

“Outside, yeah, yeah. Like umm, well we could do the beach.” He offered, and we began seeing our future beginning.

“Nothing fancy or overly suffocating. Easy and simple, just like us.” Our fingers worked over our tablet, slowly forming our wedding together, nothing to argue over. Every detail coming together, putting together a perfect puzzle.

“Just you in a simple dress, not those Princess Peach dresses, just a plain white dress.” He looked right into my eyes, delving into my soul. “Your beauty should not have to compete with a dress.”

I kissed him right then and there, dropping the tablet as we came together in a spiral of deep passion. Our spirits merging and our bodies in sync with the other, as if we were perfect halves. Sighing in contentment, I combed my fingers through his hair, enjoying the peace that washed over me.

“Red velvet or pineapple upside-down cake?” I asked.

“What?” He chuckled, his fingers traced circles on my bare back, making me a little sleepy, but I fought it.

“We are going to need a cake,” I snuggled a bit closer for warmth, inhaling his scent, smiling against his skin, kissing his chest. “Nothing exotic or weird like creamsicle cake, like what is that?” I felt him laugh. “But we do love pineapple and we can never resist a good red velvet cake.”
            “Very true.” He moved and reached for something on the coffee table. I could not make out the item in the dim string lights, only that it was round. “How about a flip of a coin?” He gave me that killer smile that made me weak in the knees and a little bit more in love with him.

“Only you, Jax.” I sat up so we could deliberate over cake. “Okay, heads for red velvet, tails for pineapple.”

“Agreed.” With a simply flick of his fingers, the coin flew into the air and spun around and around and around…

He caught it and smiled at me once more. “We never could resist a-”

“A good red velvet cake.”

“Sarah,” a voice called to me, pulling me from a distant place.

I looked around and it startled me to see that I was sitting in kitchen with my coffee. I could not recall waking up or even making it downstairs. I reoriented myself and took note that Alice was speaking to me about the musical. Luke was just watching me, slowly drinking his coffee, his eyebrows close together, as if in worry.

“Sorry, Alice.” I finally spoke. “What were you asking?”

“You okay?” her sweet voice was filled with concern. “You don’t seem to be… here.”

“Oh, nothing.” I quickly smiled. “Just making a mental note of grading, prep for tech week, all the paper work for the borrowed set pieces, director stuff.” I took a sip of my coffee and could taste the sugary creamer milk, glad for the sweet escape from their eyes.

“Honey, maybe you should take the day off.” Luke spoke, putting down his coffee cup. He leaned over to me, grasping my hand. “Take the stress off.”

I smiled at him, “If only it were that easy. I would spend all day worrying about the cast, my students, paperwork I need to complete.” I sighed. “During tech week, nothing can be put off until tomorrow.”

“And we would all just walk here, pick her up from bed, and drag her back to the school regardless,” Alice included humorously. “We are truly dedicated to our production.”

“On that note,” I announced, putting my coffee in the sink. “I need to go be with my very ‘dedicated’ cast members and make sure anarchy doesn’t ensue.” I grabbed my backpack and binders. “Are you ready to go, Alice?”

“Off to the hell that is education and the beauty that is theatre!” She danced to the door, twirling as she grabbed her backpack from the door. It was such fluid choreography, flawless and perfect.

“She hasn’t changed.” Luke chuckled, he gave me a hug, kissing me on my forehead. “Have a great day, sweets.”

“You too.” As I left the house, I allowed my thoughts to retreat back to my memories.

 

 

 

 

Jax

         “So, are we still getting married?”

            Six words. That is all she left me in my voicemail. Six words and not one of them were meant to apologize.

            I hunched over a future project, sites that needed to get completed before the quarter was over. My phone went off, claiming I had a tuxedo fitting around the corner. The fury that was quietly simmering in the pit of my stomach finally boiled over. I swiped everything off my desk, glass shattered on the floor, papers flying over the room. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore. Not one thing wanted to come together and make my life easier.

            I could not recall the one time things made sense in my mind. When life would flow seamlessly and did not require sacrifice. But that, in my heart, I knew was a lie. I put my head on my desk and allowed myself one act of weakness.

            I began to cry.

            The tears burned down my cheeks, creating a pool on my desk. I could not breathe and I could not face my reality of hatred and sorrow. No matter how badly I wanted to end the streams of tears, my pain pushed through and expressed itself. Years and years of suppressed memories and hurt flowed through my body, coursing itself out to the world.

            “Honey.”

            The simple voice took me back to my last indulgence of weakness.

            “It is rough,” she said. Her voice being the sweetest escape to my heartbreak. “Jaxon, she loves you, even now. Your mother loved you from day one and will continue to until your last day.” Her arms went around me, as if trying to hold me together. “What can I do?”

            I let her hold me, allow me to weep for my deceased mother and attempt to put me together. Her hands combed through my hair, the simplest and kindness of acts, it just meant the world to me in that moment. She began humming one of our favorite songs from our services, it was so fitting for the moment. Sarah may not have been God or Jesus, but she was certainly my earthly angel.

            I had finally stopped crying, just listening to her hum as she held me close to her. I allowed her sweet song to take me away to find some peace in all the darkness. She helped me find some hope in ruin.

            “Marry me.” Two words. It probably came out rash, but it made sense in my heart. That was all that mattered, love and whole of heart. There was a small pause of silence, she had stopped humming. I sat up and looked at her, diving deep in her dark pools and knowing she is seeing into my soul as well. All we heard was our breaths and the faint wind of the incoming storm.

            “Of course.”

The two words made at least one part of my life as clear as the morning sun. Yet, even that beauty could not compare to the woman that agreed to be my wife.

 

A buzzing woke me up from my dream, annoying and loudly obnoxious buzzing. I picked my head up from my desk and felt the pain of laying it down on such an uncomfortable surface. Looking toward my phone, Sarah’s face was on it. My heart leaped forward as I grabbed it.

“Hello?”

“Jaxon?”

“Yeah?”

“I think-”, she sniffled until I heard the familiar sounds of her sobs.

“Sarah,” I paused, not sure what to say. “What happened?”

Her sobbing never stopped and I could hear her pain through her tears.

“I can’t go through with it.” Those were the only words she said and I did not push for more. We sat on opposite sides of the country, yet it was as if she were in my arms and I was doing my best to compose her, to comfort her, to be there with her as she cried.

 

 

 

TWO HOURS EARLIER….

“Sarah,” the automated voice said on my voicemail. “You have a dress fitting at ten a.m. on Saturday. Please call back to conf-.”

I chucked my phone across my desk, peered at my desk of ungraded papers and set designs for the musical that had to be finalized. I raked my fingers through my scalp, my stress eating at me and my heart breaking from what I could not fathom to be true.

 

I did not love Luke.

I closed my eyes and chewed at my bottom lip, feeling the pain. I took many deep breaths to allow my heart time to cooperate and help me realize this fact. I did not love him… Why don’t you love him, Sarah? Care to explain? And it hit me like a train.

 

“Ms. Carlisle?” I look up and see one of my students, Gail, at my classroom door. She looked wonderful in a neat powder blue dress that meets her at the knee with a simple shoulder sweater. Her vibrant red hair carefully done in a braid on her shoulder.

“Gail,” I said, plastering a smile on my face. “You look nice today.”

Her face grimaces. “I had a presentation,” she says with a scowl. “You know how I hate dressing up and looking nice.”

I chuckle and motion for her to come sit at one of the desks. “Very true.” I sit up and look for my pad of paper to give her. “I assume you are here about the play?”

The Gail I know and adore smiles at me, her eyes hint with excitement. “How ever did you know?” she claims in sweet sarcasm.

“Because I have known you for too long.” I look for a copy of the script and hand it to her. “Here is your copy. Do I need to make a copy for Eddie?”

She snorts and gives a look that translates to ‘Are you kidding me?’  I could not hold back a chuckle. “If I wasn’t around, that boy would not know where his nose is placed.” That brought a cathartic laugh out of me about how she regarded her boyfriend. “I will just keep this copy and make notes as the week progresses. It is kind of what I do, it is how we work.” She returns to her loving voice and I can tell, she is happy.

Young love. What a powerful thing. Gail began rummaging her bag for her classic set of colored pens and began scoring her script with her technical notes. Her eyes glowed with excitement as she looked at me, ready for the fun project of the musical. “Where do we start?”

I shook my head and laughed, grabbing my master copy of the musical. I opened to the first page and guided her through what I wanted for every scene. All the while she is attentive, witty, and always asking the right questions and clarifications. A small piece of me broke inside, looking at her, so happy and whimsical about her future. I remember those days, when everything made me happy and fulfilled, never having to worry about much. Looking at Gail, she reminded me so much of the girl I used to be, the girl that so easily fell in love with Jaxon and was so happy to have found someone who completed her.

After everything was concluded with Gail and me, she stood up, smoothed the skirt of her dress and smiled. “This will be a great production Carlisle. I can feel it.” And out she walked, her head high and steps as light as air.

My heart was heavy, knowing I had to face a truth. I picked up my phone from its landing spot from when I chucked it. I dialed the only person I knew who would understand my predicament.

“Hello?”

Just one word and I broke down.

Author's Note

This is definitely a work in progress. This is the first thing I post, so all constructive criticism is welcomed. I hope you all enjoy!