DeShawn Midas and the “Golden” Touch

A simple retelling of King Midas and the Golden Touch.

There once was a 40 year-old alcoholic man by the name of DeShawn Demetrius Midas the third. Midas was a very wealthy man and crafted the finest and most exquisite high tops and Jordans of his time. He lived a luxurious life in a mansion made of gold and the most expensive jewels in upper Detroit. Midas was very well-known among his people. He was known as “the King” and whenever someone greeted him they called him King Midas. He had a beautiful daughter who was highly intelligent and he had many servants and people to take care of him. Although the King was a rich successful cobbler with great talent in the art of crafting mighty fine high tops and the ability to drink three bottles of Fireball Whisky at once, there was one thing he was very obsessed with. King Midas had an undying love for Timbs. Whenever he saw a fresh pair of Timberlands he would immediately buy them. He would drive all around Detroit searching in thrift shops, shoe stores, and people’s basements looking for his beloved and sacred boots. He had a whole entire room dedicated to his love for Timbs. He thought that his greatest happiness came from Timbs and he would sometimes even bath in a bath full of Timberland boots. Timbs were his greatest obsession.

One evening DeShawn was watching Space Jam, one of his favorite films, on VHS while drinking a bottle of watered-down Fireball when all of a sudden he heard a knock at the door. It was Reginald J. Dionysus and he was standing there pantsless and confused with a bottle of Fireball whisky in his hands. Dionysus cried 45 minutes straight while Midas stood there awkwardly. King Midas asked him what was wrong. Dionysus rubbed his eyes a little bit, took a swig of some Fireball, and explained to him what had happened.

Him and his best friend/ foster father Silenus were leaving a nightclub and were drinking pretty heavily with a talking sloth they had met three hours ago. They were in the parking lot acting like complete degenerates and vagabonds when the sloth started dancing and yelling out random drunk slurs. While Dionysus was distracted looking at the sloth, Silenus wandered off into the woods. The two goons spent 3 hours yelling nonsense at strangers and drinking cheap booze. When the talking sloth slipped on an ice cube, broke his neck, and died Dionysus finally realized Silenus was gone. He searched everywhere, but he could not find him. Dionysus stole a taxi and went on a rampage all throughout Detroit and finally passed out in an Arby’s restroom. From there he took off his pants and proceeded towards Midas’s mansion to get his help.

Dionysus asked for Midas’s help in finding his friend Silenus and in exchange promised to give him whatever he wanted. The King accepted his offer and said that if he ever saw Silenus he would alert Reginald immediately. Reginald Dionysus said his farewell, ran into the street, violently shoved an old man out of the way, jumped into a bush, and disappeared.

The thing about DeShawn was that he was a very paranoid man. Before he went out to search for Dionysus’s friend, he grabbed his hunting rifle and trench coat. He went outside in the middle of the streets with his rifle. He asked everyone around him for clues on Silenus but everyone ran away for some odd reason. King Midas disappointed and sad, went back home.

He walked around his house for a bit while thinking about where to find Silenus. He was chugging Fireball and smoking a cigarette when all of a sudden he stumbled upon a man. Midas was confused as to why this man was passed out in his garden. He was sleeping peacefully and looked very content almost like he had achieved ultimate happiness. Midas became very wild and screeched into the man’s ear. The man jumped up surprised and extremely terrified. “DIONYSUS! WHERE ARE YOU?!” said the man. The King finally realized who this was. It was Silenus! Midas excited and happy explained that he was sent to find Silenus. While they were celebrating and drinking to their heart's’ content Silenus passed out.

Midas brought Silenus into the mansion. For three months Midas took care of Silenus. He fed him till he was well again. He entertained him with Fireball, food, and his collection of Wu-Tang Clan CD’s. When Silenus was finally well again Midas returned him to Dionysus. Dionysus, still pantsless, thanked Midas and as promised granted Midas anything he wanted. Midas knew exactly what he wanted. He wished that everything he touched turned into a fresh pair of golden Timbs. Dionysus amazed at the stupidity of the man’s wish, decided to grant his wish.

The next day King Midas woke up and decided to test his powers. He touched a wooden table and it turned into a shiny pair of fresh golden Timberlands. He was very excited and ran out to the spooky alleyway across from his house to find his best friend Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan was sleeping in a dumpster when Midas woke him up. Michael asked him why he was so excited. King Midas touched Michael’s shoes and they turned into a mighty pair of golden Timbs! Michael Jordan cried tears of happiness. He gave Midas a very firm handshake and ran off. This miracle inspired Michael Jordan to come back from retirement and join back up with the NBA.  At first Midas was completely blown away. He was simply astonished and very excited. But, when he got home from his encounter with Michael Jordan and tried picking up a bottle of Fireball Whisky it turned into a pair of Timbs! “ This power is interfering with my alcoholism! This is horrible!”. Midas was terrified and at this point was screeching at the top of his lungs. His daughter walked into the room very confused and scared. Midas tried to comfort her, but she turned into a pair Timberlands. Midas had no idea what to do. Dionysus pitied Midas and told him to take off his pants and wash his hands in the Detroit sewers. Midas did this and when he came back everything was back to normal.

Midas had learned his lesson. He burned his collection of precious Timbs and continued crafting the finest Jordans in all of Detroit. Every year he gave free Jordans to the people of Detroit and gave away his money. He went on to live a happy Fireball whisky-filled life. The people on the streets of Detroit cherished him and he died at the ripe age of 50 from cirrhosis.

Author's Note

I'm new to this feel free to give me any feedback or advice. Sorry for any grammatical errors. Hope you enjoy.

Reviews

[angel]

I loved it! My favorite line: “ This power is interfering with my alcoholism! This is horrible!”.
Hilarious. Keep it up. Main fault I saw with my first read through: there are a lot of places that should have commas in them...and they do not.
Gotta go out, but I'll read it over whenever I get back, and I can finish my review.