Allie Chapter 36

A Chapter by Britiney Harper

Allie (Chapter 36) Recovery

Chapter 36

Allie was lying in her bed drugged senseless. Two nights ago she sort of sleepwalked. She had no memory of anything before ending up in the pool. This was the point beyond completely insane. Last night she was basically chained to her bed. In the past whenever she was chained to a bed it involved some pleasure. This just made her feel crazier. No, it didn’t make her feel; she was beyond feelings and emotions. Some of the things in the past few weeks was like an out of body experience. Right now she was numb and nothing could touch her. What she retained of herself was buried deep inside herself. Maybe that Allie would never return.

Right now she was Allesandra, scared little girl hurt and confused. Allesandra was waiting to get out to be rescued to live again. But that wasn’t her anymore. That girl so weak and pathetic, the victim and the timid, was not her. All these years she built a wall around her heart to keep people away. To avoid the hurt and the heartache and the soul shattering and disappointment. Coming to live at the mansion she felt safe for the first time. Too safe obviously because she let her guard down completely. To love and to feel and to just be normal and free. Still nothing was right, for every good moment there were 3 bad ones waiting to happen.

Why did she keep getting up every day? What was the point anyway? She couldn’t go to school or leave the house and she was watched constantly. Allesandra was the weak part of her. The part that decided that death was better than Katrina. That was also the little girl who loved her mother and wanted to be just like her. Then that mother sold her out to different men, Katrina deserved to die. Why did Iago have to die instead? Katrina was evil and selfish to her core, why did she live? A woman who looked the other way while her husbands tormented her daughter deserved to burn in Hell. No, she deserved something much worse. It wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair.

How could people that didn’t care about their children have babies? That made no sense. People who would love and cherish their children couldn’t have them. She couldn’t consider herself their daughter anymore. How could she? Everything they wanted she took away, how could they love her? Why did they still keep her here? What she deserved was to be thrown into a mental hospital and left there. Forgotten, alone and never to return. But she was still here, numb inside and drugged into silence. It had been days since she spoke to anybody, speech was beyond her now. What could she say anyway?

It was raining, not raining so much as a big storm. That was how she felt right now anyway. The emotions she’d been suppressing were swirling into this massive storm inside her. And it was all showing right here in the weather. Today was the day she went to get checked out by doctors. They reconfirmed what they said before, it would be near impossible for her to get pregnant again. So today was the first time in a month that she cried. She leaned her head against the window while her husband drove home. Feeling things was torture. Being 24 and told that you could never have you own children was indescribably awful.

“There are still options,” Nicolas said when he pulled into the garage.

“You want children and I can’t give you any at all. Why don’t you just find yourself a real wife?” She asked, she’d been thinking about that a lot lately.

What was the point of being together if she couldn’t give him what he truly wanted? What good was she now? Unemployed, unable to have children and now unfeeling cold and emotionless, what a great wife. She had nothing going for her in her life. Except maybe siblings she could no longer care for and an adopted daughter that had to be drugged and strapped to her bed constantly. No wonder she couldn’t have children, she screw their lives up anyway. This was her punishment for not being a good enough person. And for marrying a man who could kill somebody, hide their body and completely not care.

“I love you, you are my wife and we will get through this together. There are other options we can look into. Right now we need to focus on getting you feeling better,” he said. “Let’s just go inside and you can eat something and rest.”

“Do you care at all? You caused this, my baby is gone because of you. And you want to talk about options? If you weren’t so f*****g crazy we wouldn’t have this problem. Allie wouldn’t be upstairs drugged out of her mind. You ruined everything; I can’t even look at you sometimes. Does that make you happy to know? You keep begging me to talk to you, that’s what I have to say,” she told him.

For a long time he stared forward and was silent. A very small part of her felt bad for saying what she did but it needed to be said. Holding everything in wasn’t work, talking wasn’t working. Nothing could take this pain away. Nothing could make her feel better. Everything just made her feel worse and worse and worse. Fighting with him wasn’t going to help anything. And if she was honest she was done blaming him but she wanted him to hurt too. Sometimes she didn’t think he felt anything at all. How could he not care? All those times he kissed her belly or laid there talking to Iago, did it mean nothing?

“I have been trying to hold it together for you and Allie, what good would it do if I was lying in bed all day? I’m trying; I’ve been trying to be there for you. All you do is push me away. This didn’t just happen to you, he was my son too. And you think I don’t know I caused this? Every day I have to see you like this and see her drifting away more and more,” he sighed. “I’m trying to stay positive ok? The situation isn’t hopeless we can get a second opinion, see different doctors. I don’t accept this and you shouldn’t either. We will have children of our own; it just may take some time. I didn’t marry you because you could give me children, what sense does that make? I married you because I love you and I’m not going to stop loving you.”

“I wish you would,” she whispered.

“There’s nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you,” he said. “Now, can you please come into the house and eat something?”

“Ok,” she said. He got out and came around to open her door. She let him help her out and he held her for a few long moments. Still she was hurting and couldn’t stop it, no matter what he said.

After eating a very small portion of her lunch, Wildflower went upstairs. She said that she was tired and wanted to be alone. That wasn’t untrue at all, especially about being alone. When she got to the top of the steps she didn’t head to her bedroom, instead she went in the opposite direction. When she got to Allie’s room she slowly opened the door. Allie laid there motionlessly staring at the ceiling. She’d spent so much time feeling sorry for herself that she hadn’t really seen much of Allie. That was both selfish and wrong and she hated that she’d neglected her responsibilities so much.

“Allie,” she called coming in and sitting on the bed beside her.

“Hmm?” Allie looked at her and blinked like she was imagining seeing her.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you,” she told her.

“Why would you be?” Allie asked, her voice was hoarse like she didn’t really use it anymore. This whole thing was such a huge nightmare, it just kept getting worse.

“Because I love you and this isn’t your fault there was nothing either of us could do. I know that and I need you to know that. I’m not mad at you and neither is Nick. You are our daughter, we love you and hate to see you like this,” she told her.

“I love you too,” Allie said after a brief silence.

“Come on, I think if you’re going to be depressed we might as well do it together,” he said. She stood and put her hand out, slowly Allie took it.

They went back to the master bedroom and together they laid in bed in silence. Silence was good, it worked, it had a healing quality. Allie needed her, no more selfishness. Maybe she would never have children, but she had one. Iago was gone and there was nothing that could bring him back, but Allie was still here. She could feel sorry for herself anytime, there was forever for that. But Allie needed to be pulled out of this darkness now before there was no going back. From that moment on Allie was her number one priority.

Nicolas went up to check on his damaged females, first he headed to Allie’s room. It was empty, which usually wasn’t good. He reached in his pocket to look at the cameras and was surprised at what he saw. Because it was a little hard to believe he went to go see for himself. Sure enough Wildflower and Allie were together, cuddled up on the bed. Hopefully it was a step in the right direction. Since they were asleep he silently left the room. He went to his office to work, like he did every day.

Right about now he needed some silence in his life. After lunch he had to fill everybody in on what the doctors said. They wisely didn’t ask Wildflower while she picked over food and ate just enough to pretend like she cared about herself. In the month since the incident she wasn’t getting any better. Both her and Allie were getting worse. Especially Allie, but still he didn’t care what anyone said, he couldn’t send her away. If he did that he knew she would never come back.

It hurt like hell that his wife thought he didn’t care. But like he said he didn’t accept that this was the end of the road. Maybe he should have been a doctor instead of a business man. He did have a wasted science degree. Then again maybe that was the answer to their problem. Determination and the willingness to do anything, was what got things done. Carmen was on the phone talking to Camden about anything they could do. Now was too soon but eventually she would want this again. And when she was ready he would have a solution for her. Having a purpose again was good, he needed this.

The doctors suggested surrogacy or adoption, it was an idea. But it wouldn’t be the same. Maybe he needed to accept the fact that nothing would go back to the way it was. They all needed to move forward as a family. Maybe being in this house was a little much; the nursery was still there mocking them. Not that he could stop himself from going in there and wondering what could have been. While he was doing some research and sending some emails the door to his office opened. The last person he expected to see was his wife. She came in without a word and came over to him.

“Do you need something? Are you ok?” He asked concerned, she usually had to be forced to leave the bedroom.

“I sometimes still feel like he’s there,” she said. In an instant he was up and holding her.

“They um said that could happen, remember?” He said, she was the only thing that could actually make him cry. Hearing that and seeing her expression was killing him.

“I know, I wish it would stop though because I don’t want to remember what it feels like. If it’s not going to happen again why do I need to feel it?”

“I wish I knew and I wish I could fix it. But maybe it’s not such a bad thing, we loved him and it’s just like a memory of him. We can still remember and think of him.”

“You’re right,” she nodded. She reached up and brushed a thumb over his tears. “I don’t want to blame you anymore, you couldn’t ever have known. And it’s not fair because you lost him too. Even if we can’t have other children together, we still have Allie. She needs us now more than we need to feel bad. Even if she isn’t biologically our child, we did everything to keep her out of love.”

“You already got her out of bed without any problems,” he sighed. So maybe soon things could at least be relatively normal? He hoped so; he really really needed it to be.

Jose had been avoiding this situation for as long as possible. He’d spent a lot of time at work in his brother’s absence. But there was no getting around this anymore, there was war going on in his home. Time passing did not make it any better at all, just worse. Jasmine refused to leave the house and to give him his divorce. For a small amount of time the women weren’t fighting because of what happened with his family. Now it was full on war and he was in the middle. In the past he enjoyed it if women fought over him, especially if it ended in a threesome. This situation had to be divine punishment for the way he treated women.

“Jose,” Lindsay called, he had been hiding in his office with Joseph. “You will either throw her out or I’m leaving, today. She called my parents to tell them I’ve been having sex with a married man. They want me to come home and I don’t see a reason to stay here anymore. I tried and I know your brother and his wife and daughter are going through a lot. And I get that you want to try to help your family. But this living situation is torture and I can’t do it anymore. If you want to be with your wife just say so.”

“Go pack some clothes for you and Joseph,” he replied.

“Why? What do you need alone time with her?” She asked like it was an accusation.

“Because if she wants the damn house she can keep it,” he said.

“Clarify that statement for me, what are you saying?” She asked staring into his eyes. He got up from his desk, still holding his son and kissed her.

“I’m saying that if I have to buy us a new house to get rid of her then I will. This has gone on way too long and I am so sorry. It’s just really hard and there is no excuse. I’m just done with all this,” he told her. “Take Joseph and pack, I’ll go talk to her.”

“Ok,” she said taking Joseph and heading to the door. “Jose, can you like not have sex with her? If you’re serious about us being together can you at least refrain from that?”

“That was once,” he said. It wasn’t really an excuse he’d had a lapse in sanity.

“I don’t share and I guess I can’t be mad cause she’s your wife and I’m your employee,” she said. She was angry even if she was trying to hide it a little, he’d hurt her. Just like he hurt every other woman that he got involved with, he should have let her go.

“Lindsay, I’ve apologized to you for it repeatedly. I’m trying and I told you it wouldn’t be easy. I was in love with her four f*****g years, it doesn’t just go away. If I could make it go away I would have been done with her 3 years ago. That is the truth I’ve been honest with you about everything. So if this isn’t what you want then you don’t have to stick around. Go home to your family and just forget all of this, it’s what you should do,” he sighed. “You should probably go because I’m good at disappointing.”

“I’ve fallen for you like completely; I don’t know how to feel. And I saw it coming I knew you would be with her I just wish I hadn’t seen it. How am I supposed to know what you are thinking? You say you want her gone and you want a divorce but she’s still here and you are married,” she paused. “Maybe I should go home, because it hurts too much. Be with your wife, you love her and she’s Joseph’s mother.”

She had tears in her eyes when she gave Joseph back. Then she left the room, maybe it was for the best. Lindsay was young and smart and beautiful and she knew what she wanted and how to get it. Driven, ambitious, determined, and strong willed, that was Lindsay. And she was young and should have the opportunity to live her life. If she stayed with him she wasn’t just with him, Joseph was part of the deal. From the start she seemed like she was up for that, but had she thought that through? This was for the best; he’d already made her cry more than once.

She was young she would find somebody that was uncomplicated and could give her what she wanted. So why did the thought of her with somebody else annoy him so much? He’d gone past ‘like’ and he really did have feelings for her. All he would do was break her heart. Her parents were right to want her to come home, but he didn’t seduce her like they thought. Yes, his marriage was his responsibility, not hers. And he made the decision to be with someone else. But his marriage was over before it began. Was he even serious enough about Lindsay that he could marry her, one day? Or at least be with her for a long time without getting bored?

“You think I should go stop her, right?” He asked his son; Joseph’s response was to lay his head against him.

Against his better judgment Jose went down the hall to Lindsay’s room. She was on her cell phone while she was throwing things into a suitcase. When he came in she didn’t even pause. That should have been a sign for him to just let her be. But common sense and doing the right thing were things he didn’t do often. He wanted Lindsay; maybe he was going to love her. Maybe he already did, that was a very huge possibility. What he really missed was that carefree ease they had before Jasmine came back.

He sat Joseph down on the bed and pulled Lindsay to him. She fought his kiss at first but gave in to him and dropped her phone. What would have been nice was to get her naked and should her that he only wanted her. But Joseph was awake and they needed to get out of this house. Even if it was just for tonight, he needed Jasmine to know with 100% certainty that he was done with her. He was going to have a life with Lindsay and he was going to get divorced. No more delays and no more of her games, this had to end.

“Take Joseph in my car to go to the hotel and I will follow you. She’s going to sign even if I have to force her into it. Don’t worry about sex because I don’t want to touch her or give her hope. You are what I want, what we want,” he told her.

“Ok,” she nodded and he kissed her again. This was it, time to end this once and for all.

Jasmine knew something was up when Lindsay took a suitcase and Joseph and left. In the last month she still hadn’t gotten her husband back. But she did have daily arguments with Lindsay. Was she stupid to fight for a man that didn’t want her? Lindsay was young and pretty and would do anything Jose told her to. Obedient Jasmine was not and never would be. Jose liked young ones that he could control. Lindsay was all about pleasing him in whatever way he wanted.

Maybe she need to accept defeat and go back home. Or she had a way better idea, why did she have to leave? This was after all her house. Just because the little w***e stole her husband didn’t mean she had to give up the house. And prenup be damned because she not giving up her son. Jose would eventual get bored and come crawling back. She was in control now because he couldn’t divorce her without her signature. As far as she knew there was no way around that. If she continued to hold out then soon Lindsay’s parents would come for her. They didn’t want their daughter being used by an older married man.

“Jasmine,” Jose said when he found her in the kitchen.

“I’ll sign your divorce papers,” she told him.

“Why?” He asked staring at her.

“Because I’m tired of all this so I’ll do it, but I have conditions. When I get whatever I want you are free to do whatever it is you plan to with your little plaything. Does she think you will marry her? I know you Jose, you will get tired of her,” she said smiling. “Come back tomorrow I will have a list of what I want. Starting with my son, we can have joint custody of him. I want my house and you will take care of our expenses. We will need a legal agreement on all this of course. Better call Cousin Luis to be on stand-by.”

“What’s the catch? I don’t care about the house and I would never keep Joseph from you. Well I wouldn’t if I could know for sure you don’t plan to take him and run,” he replied.

“Write it up in our new contract, but even so I don’t want to leave. You know me honey I’m not going back to working. What you promised was to take care of us so you will do that. I’ll stay here so that we can both take care of our son. I mean you did buy this house for us and why would I leave it? Buy your little pet a house, we both know its temporary.”

“What if it isn’t?” He asked and she stared at him.

“Who are you lying to? Yourself or me or her? I love you Jose but it won’t last and if you marry her just to prove me wrong then it’s stupid. When I was away I thought of you so much and I hated what I was doing. I went into therapy to figure out what was wrong with me. Why would I leave my family like that? Why did I feel so trapped? Why couldn’t I commit to the man I love? And right about now I’m not certain about why that is. All I know is that you waited for me so I can wait for you,” she told him.

“I’ll um see you tomorrow,” he replied. Though he tried to hide it she knew she’d gotten to him, like she wanted. She would have him back soon.

“Bring Little J over please, I think it’s fair that he get to stay with me too,” she said and he nodded. He left and she called her sister, there was no way she was staying here alone.

Tony was surprised when he came home to find Allie waiting for him in his room. They didn’t sleep together anymore; she didn’t want to be near him. So for over a month he barely spent time with her. These days everything and everyone was a huge mess. Nothing in this house was normal and he hated it. His sister was just starting to show signs of living again. But he figured that was just an act. Allie had been spending time with her lately and Sammie said she wasn’t being drugged anymore. It was a sad thing to watch the girl you loved being strapped to her bed and pumped full of drugs. The alternative was much worse; he’d seen it and it scared him.

“Um I have like all this homework to do, can you help me?” Allie asked, he just nodded because this was a little odd.

“How are you feeling today?” He asked coming to sit beside her on the bed.

“I don’t know but now that I’m unfogged I just need to do something. Since I don’t want to do summer school or repeat another grade, I need to work. It would be nice to just go back to finish this semester but who knows if that will happen. And I figured since you’re all smart and stuff, that you could help. Then maybe we could talk too,” she said looking unsure.

“What do you want to talk about?”

“Everything, I don’t know, I’m sorry I’ve been crazy. Just I couldn’t handle what happened with baby and all that. I’d already been feeling kind of crazy before it happened. If you are completely done with my drama, I understand.”

“Allie, I love you and I know you felt like what happened was your fault. I just hated to see you like that. It wasn’t your fault,” he said putting his arm around her.

“They said all the crap they had me taking was what made me all crazy. Then on came another breakdown, I don’t really remember anything after the hospital. Maybe that’s for the best; I’m relatively ok for now. They gave me different stuff so who knows,” she paused. “The only other time I was like this was before, when you know. Anyway, I thought you should know all that.”

In the time that Allie had been out of her mind he’d been doing a lot of thinking. Some of those thoughts were that he really really really needed to not go away to school. Because Ricky could read minds he told him that was not happening. It was funny that everybody thought being 18 gave you freedom to do what you wanted. Not in this family, it didn’t really bother him. However if Allie wasn’t ok by the end of the summer he couldn’t do it. She meant way more to him than anything else in the world. Even if she was difficult and had miles of problems and came with way more baggage than one person should, he loved her. You didn’t abandon people you loved when they needed you. Allie needed him and he would be there for her, from here or there.

“Does your silence mean that you want to break up?” She asked trying to search her eyes.

“No, why would I break up with you? It’s not your fault the way you reacted,” he said. “I know you are use to just being disappointed by everybody you love but it’s not like that anymore. You are not alone anymore; you think if nobody cared you’d be here right now? All the doctors that have been in and out of here have been insisting that you be sent somewhere. Nick refused every single time, even when Katrina came in with lawyers saying it was best for you to be taken away. If that’s not love I don’t know what is. And I’m hear Allie good bad or crazy, I’m here.”

“I love you,” she said and he kissed her.

“I love you too,” he told her. “Now let’s get started on this so that we can just spend time together.” She smiled and so did he, maybe things would get back to normal? Or at least semi almost normal, if Allie could recover then maybe his sister could too. He hoped so.

Wildflower was lying in bed staring at the ceiling. Pretending to be normal was exhausting. But it was better than everyone hovering over her. When she was downstairs with everybody watching her she had to work hard at feigning emotions and responses to thing. The truth was that she felt nothing, she was completely empty. Last night pretending to want to make love to her husband was torture. She’d been the one to initiate it but only because she wanted to make him think she was feeling better. Sex and Nicolas were what use to be normal. It didn’t feel normal or right, he probably suspected something. After he’d gone to sleep she cried in the shower.

All the pretending was making her feel sicker and sicker. Next week the kids were on spring break so they would be home. Right now they were all packing to spend the week in New York with Carmen. She didn’t plan on going but they didn’t exactly know that yet. This morning was when she suggested this big trip. Now she had to get out of it somehow. Thinking about it was making her sick, that and probably that she wasn’t eating. Maybe that was why she kept throwing up, but that was her secret too. The acting and hiding things and anxiousness and nightmares and medication, was doing this. But she needed to do this, mostly it was for Allie and Nicolas and the rest of the family too. They needed to get out of this house so that she could have some peace. What she wanted was to be alone but how could she sell that to her husband?

When he came in he looked down at her, there was a look. The last thing on earth she wanted to do was have sex with him. What was wrong with her? Once she loved the way he looked at her and couldn’t keep his hands off her. Now the thought of having sex with him made her sick. It was too embarrassing to tell anybody so she would have to figure it out on her own. She should have thought to get dressed before he came home but she lost track of time. After she’d come up here she took a shower and was just in a bra and panties. To him this meant she wanted him, but she didn’t feel like she use to at all.

Without saying anything he came over to the bed and kissed her. She did her best to make it seem like this was what she wanted. But it had been a very long day or acting. His hands all over her was too much, she sort of panicked a little. He pulled back when she started hyperventilating. So much for that normal façade now he would know. It was him that helped her sit up to breathe better. Even once she was calm again he didn’t say anything. That was way worse than him reacting; silence was never good on a Capriani.

“Somehow I knew you were just pretending,” he said after awhile. “Shouldn’t you be packing for your trip?”

“I thought you were going?” She asked, he looked tired and hurt.

“No, I have a million things to do at work,” he said. He wouldn’t even look at her, just got up and went into the closet.

While she sat there he took a very long time getting undressed. If she wasn’t mistaken he punched a hole in the wall. When he came out he was naked and went straight into the bathroom and closed the door. Perfect, he was pissed at her and he had the right. The shower came on soon after and she made a decision. Even though she just took a shower she stripped and went into the bathroom. She pulled open the shower door and got in, he just stared at her. Why couldn’t anything just go right?

“I’m not mad at you, ok? I just need to be alone,” he told her.

“Nick, I’m sorry I just I guess I’m not ready,” she said.

“Why didn’t you say that last night? It didn’t seem like you wanted it but you told me more than once that you did. Why didn’t you just say no?” He asked, it was a valid question but she had no answer. “Do you know how stupid I feel right now? I feel like I forced you to have sex with me. Is that why you were taking a late night shower?”

“You don’t understand,” she said.

“Can you just let me be alone?”

“No, I want us to be close again. Last night I just thought I could do it and then I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

“All of this has been an act, hasn’t it?” He asked and she nodded, she hated lying. Too bad that was all she did now. “Why? What’s the point to that?”

“I don’t know I just thought it was better for everyone to think I was better. You don’t know what it’s like to have everybody always looking and you like you’ll fall apart. I’m trying but nothing feels right anymore. And you should be mad, I’m not fit to be your wife,” she said. Tears came to her eyes no matter how hard she fought them.

He just pulled her against him and just held her. The water mixed with her tears and she couldn’t take comfort from him. All she ever felt anymore was guilt. No happiness, no sadness, just guilt. Guilty for pretending, for not getting any better, for being a bad wife and for letting Allie get so bad before she did anything. Most of all she was guilty for letting her son be taken from her. Even though she told Allie there was nothing they could have done, she said it to make her feel better. She felt that she should have done something. It just seemed like there should have been something. When it happened she did nothing and that was the problem. Why should she feel any better? Part of her felt she deserved to suffer.

Now she got to add this thing with her husband to the list of things she was guilty of. He was trying so hard to make things better for her. Why couldn’t she accept that? And he did feel guilty about this whole mess and she knew. But she stopped blaming him because if he ever thought that any of it would have ever happened, he’d never have done what he did. She knew that, he wouldn’t have let anything happen to them. But it did and nothing was making it better. Two weeks ago Nicolas locked up the nursery because he found her there on the floor crying. That was the day they saw the doctor again. It was a turning point for her, and Allie needed her to be a parent.

“Why don’t you stay here and send the kids to Carmen? We can spend some time together, just the two of us. I still have to work but I can do most of it here and just go in for meetings. Do you want to do that?” He asked her and she just nodded. It wasn’t exactly what she wanted but it would do for now.

Nicolas watched his wife lying in the bed just staring at the ceiling without blinking. He was across the room on the phone half listening. As the days went on she just seemed to be getting worse. Part of him knew the moment she starting her acting. Though he had to admit she was an amazing actress, she fooled almost everybody. Maybe she should have been an actress, though he probably wouldn’t like that. Now she hated having everybody around and he knew from the start. But for one thing leaving her alone was out of the question. And there was the fact that her family would never have stayed away. His either really, but they weren’t all that welcome.

Rosa called him daily and cried at him because he didn’t want her around. If she ever thought before she said stupid things then maybe. But his mother wasn’t human and she thought she knew things that she didn’t. Love was just foreign to her and he felt bad for her. When he was alone he wished he had someone to love that would love him. He found her and they got married and started a family and now they lost everything. There wasn’t a day that he didn’t think about his son. He wondered what he could have been like and what he would want to do with his life.

So far he was still working on finding a solution to their problem. But there was no rush, she was nowhere near ready. Part of him was and part of him wasn’t. He hoped that maybe time alone could help her. Watching her like this was the worst torture there was. Allie was recovering, that wasn’t an act. Getting out of the house and out of the state would be good for Allie. There was no time limit on grief but he learned when his grandmother died that you had to keep going. Losing a grandparent (even if she was like your mother) was very different from losing a child. He’d had a long time with his grandmother. They never got the chance to be with Iago. And they never would and it was very hard to accept.

For awhile he would go sit in the nursery and think. He used it as inspiration to keep moving forward. But he’d woken up in the middle of the night one night because of a noise. There was his wife curled up in a corner hugging a pillow and crying. Carmen had sent a quilt and pillow with Iago’s name on it, she was had both. That was when decided to put curtains over the French doors and lock the door in the hall. It may have helped him to remember what was important but not her. Finding her like that wasn’t pretty and it still haunted him. A lot of things haunted him, like what she was doing now.

The staring and not moving worried him. What was he supposed to do? How could he fix this? She just got worse, she drifted further away. Now she was becoming a stranger to him. All her love and light was gone. What was left of her was a hollow shell. He ended the call and went over to the bed. She looked a little different too, but that was because she never ate and barely slept. Nightmares, she told him she had nightmares.

Even though this whole thing was a result of something he’d done, he didn’t let it go. There was no legal punishment strong enough for him. Why did someone else get to choose what they thought was acceptable? Common sense was what had him stalling, that and his wife. She wanted him to act like a normal person. But that conflicted with his anger and need to avenge his family. It wasn’t just about him, he lost his son and his wife was still lost and Allie lost a month to insanity. So what could he do? He couldn’t ask her because it would be too much. Besides her emotions were too unstable right now and she could say something that she didn’t mean. What to do?

Looking at her like this in a daze made the decision. No matter what logic or the little bit of conscience he had left said, he had to do it. And he knew exactly what he was going to do. But timing was everything, so he had to be patient. Focusing his time on his wife would keep him occupied. She needed his attention.

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