April's shame

A SONG I AM ATTEMPTING TO WRITE ABOUT AN ABUSED GIRL. Ok I have revised this one need input on new version but I do not feel it is done.

April's shame

verse 1

I hear them fighting
I can't hear what they're saying
But I hear their voices
The slamming of the door
Dad won't go far
He's going back to the bar
Mom will sleep again

chorus
I am your daughters best friend
I am you sons girlfriend
I am your student
I am a scout you mentor
I am in your Sunday school class

verse 2
I sit in my room
Curled up in my gloom
Knowing when he comes home
He will not go to moms room
Till after he tucks me in
He says it is our little secret
He says he loves me
But why does he hurt me

chorus
I am your daughters best friend
I am you sons girlfriend
I am your student
I am a scout you mentor
I am in your Sunday school class

verse 3
It happens every Friday night
He comes to my room tuns off the light
kisses me goodnight
Plays his little games
He puts his hand on my mouth reminds me
“It's our little secret”
As mom sleeps

chorus
I am your daughters best friend
I am you sons girlfriend
I am your student
I am a scout you mentor
I am in your Sunday school class


verse 4
Crying in my pillow
Feeling dirty inside I wallow
No sleep to be had
Scared and all alone
Won’t someone help me
Please maybe you know me?

chorus
I am your daughters best friend
I am you sons girlfriend
I am your student
I am a scout you mentor
I am in your Sunday school class

Author's Note

MY FIRST ATTEMPT EVER AT A SONG SO UNSURE OF MYSELF I AM ABOUT THE MOST NON MUSICAL PERSON YOU WILL EVER MEET BUT TRULY WANT CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM ON THIS ONE! ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT TRYING A LYRICS COMPETITION WITH THIS BUT THIS IS FIRST ROUGH DRAFT

Reviews

[Cathy Wattam]

I'm not a songwriter but feel this could be put to music. I agree with eatmills on the format though. I know we've discussed before but there are some spelling issues to address - "can't hear what they're saying" / "But i hear their voices" / "daughter's best friend, son's girlfriend" / "comes to my room turns off the light" / and should have a question mark after "But why does he hurt me"
Aside from the errors, I think it is good. Not a nice subject to write about but an important issue.

[Dr Ayaz chandio]

good job....it's really a nice attempt..liked it..keep it up.

[MandaBear]

You did a wonderful job with this :) I am not very good songwriter either but you did it very well.

[eatmills]

I was about to lay my head to sleep... And I saw the plea, just as I was about to leave.
I agree with what wyrd said about keeping a continuity to it. A proper timeline so to speak. Also, as you are new to the song writing scene; sing or read this to a metronome ( and of course go ahead and change around the BPM until you find one you like); it will give you a better Idea of what it should really sound like.

[Pax]

i agree with cathy with some errors...
even though i did not notice it at first in the first paragraph
but i notice it in the chorus about the
"I am a scout you mentor" maybe can change to I am a scout your mentor.
but im not really good at editing...just the simple things i can do...
anyways i really like the chorus that's why i noticed it....

[mariah]

i think its good, and to me it seems like it would be a faster paced song, becuase it flows pretty well.
-mariah

[wyrd]

I know bubkis about song lyrics. Seems a goodish country song. I prefer stories songs and poems about people doing something about a bad situation rather then the I'm a victim without power point of view. Still joan jets hell is for children is a classic I love.
verse 4 seems out of place, you go from his little games to going to daily routine, placing the routine in front of the abuse would seem a more natural place. And I do think you need to give that verse some work. It seems disjointed, not well thought out. One thing abuse victims do well is covering the abuse with as much normalcy as they can. a routine is well thought out and held to, the one thing they can control their weekly routine.

[eatmills]

Have you thought about verse, verse, chorus, verse, verse, chorus, verse, chorus. ?

Verse, chorus is a bit repetitive.