Two.

I flipped the light switch on as a stumbled into my apartment, arms full of groceries and the baby. It had been a week since I’d moved in, and the space had been better than I expected. When the landlady had told me it was a studio I had expected a tiny dark room with a stove, but it was spacious and bright. There were built in bookshelves along one wall, a large closet in the back, and a decent kitchen area. It had everything I needed and even more than I had expected. As an English Literature major I had already filled the shelves with an assortment of novels.  Books had been a dear friend to me my whole life, taking me to different places when I didn’t want to be where I was. 

“Okay baby, lets get these groceries put away.” 

I find myself talking to Daniel a lot. I want him to have the best chance at being a smart, healthy, happy child and I had read in one of those pregnancy books that talking to babies like grown adults will help them learn their language skills faster. Giving Daniel a better life was the biggest reason I had even moved to Merriman. Josh Miller, I man I once thought I’d loved, wasn’t quite ready to be a father or a reliable partner. I feel a small pain in my chest even thinking about where I’d been three months ago. I really wished it had worked out. We could be a happy family, and Daniel deserved a father. Images flash through my mind of me and Josh laughing joyously at our adorable little toddler in his high chair, dinner on the stove and light shining in through the windows of our would-have-been home.

“We don’t need him do we honey? Mommy can take care of you just fine.” I look at Daniel and for the thousandth time try to figure out which one of us he resembles.

Josh and I had been terrified when we learned during our senior year of college that I’d gotten pregnant. We had only been dating six months. We were still in the stages of our relationship where we were establishing boundaries and learning about each other. When I told him I was keeping the baby he was supportive. He went to my doctor appointments with me and discussed baby names. He went on late nice ice cream runs and was generous with the foot massages. At first I didn’t want to put any expectations on him, it was all a lot to take in. As the months went on I told myself not to be bothered by his increased nights out. He needed a break sometimes. When six months had passed with no mention of us even moving in together, I began to panic. I questioned whether he was committed to us. What were his plans for the future? 

It took me until I was eight months pregnant to build up the nerve to question him. I knew instantly by the way he avoided my eyes and sat down with a long pause why I hadn’t asked him before. He had other plans. I sat beside him and covered his shaking hands with mine. His eyes met mine and I felt his pain. I took the next few minutes to explain to him that I understood. We hadn’t planned for this and I think I’d known all along that by not discussing our future together meant we were’t going to have one. I had simply been in denial, and he’d been unsure of what to do. Josh wasn’t a bad guy. He was young and scared. He explained that he didn’t want to upset me while I was pregnant in fear of hurting the baby, and he felt obligated to stay with me. I remember telling him that this wasn’t 1950, that we both had our own choices. 

Josh took that night’s conversation as a get out of jail free card. He went back to his friends and his bars. He became unreliable and insensitive. I didn’t want my baby to have a half assed father anyway. The ease at with which he dropped me only drove me harder to succeed as a single mom. I sent my resume all over the country hoping to find a job far away from Josh and his drinking and found myself headed to Texas three months later. 

“Enough reminiscing, huh Daniel?” By now I’d finished putting everything away and walked over to his swing. He made raspberries back at me, spit bubbling up around his lips. The evenings around here were a little dull. I hadn’t met many people yet, and it was another two weeks before it was time for the teachers to come back from their summer break. 

“Well, what should we do?”

My stomach growls. I really don’t feel like cooking and staying cooped up inside all night so I grab a book, my baby, and head back out. 

OOO

One thing I love about this town is the “downtown” area. It’s buildings have old architecture, with wooden signs hanging from the doorways and beautiful displays in all the shop windows. Downtown Merriman forms a square with a big grassy area in the middle. From me and Daniel’s table at the local Deli I can see a banner in the square advertising the upcoming Fall Festival. I imagine candy apples and leaves falling. Fall had always been my favorite season. When I was younger I was filled with anticipation of the new school year. To me, the start of school year was always a fresh start. I loved everything about it, new school clothes, seeing friends I hadn’t seen all summer, even school itself.

That part never really went away; I always loved school. I was the type of college student who enjoyed my classes and looked forward to the reading material. I’m sure that has a lot to do with why I wanted to teach, but even more it was sharing my passion of reading with kids. I want them to fall in love with characters the way I do, to feel like they’ve made a friend so real that then the character hurts, they hurt, and when the character ends up happy, they feel happy. I want them to be able to get so lost in a book that hours go by that feel more like minutes. I want them to experience that temporary feeling of loss when good books ends, when closing that cover releases you from the bindings of that world and back to reality. 

With that, I come back to my own reality. I knew that moving to such a small town  was going to put my son and I on display. I’m the “new” girl. The locals around here seemed to know everything about everyone. When I had stopped a few days ago at the tire-shop Tommy had recommended, the old salesman spent almost an hour talking to me while they changed out my tire.

“It was a guy named Tommy who told me to come here” I was fishing for a change of subject after he’d told me story after story about the staff at Merriman High School. 

“Tommy Henderson huh?” he replied with a twinkle in his eye.

“Um, I’m not sure, I didn’t get a last name.” I blushed at even the sound of his could-be name.

“Oh sweetheart, Tommy Henderson is the only Tommy, unless you had Tommy Bell change your tire. He’s about six years old though.. or it could have been Thomas Rearder, but he’s been in a wheelchair for years. Anyway, that Henderson boy, he’s a good kid.”

A bell chimed as the door of the tire shop opened behind me. 

“Speak of the devil” 

I could feel my stomach flutter as I turned around. I felt betrayed by my own body at my excitement to see him. 

“I was driving by and recognized your car, thought I’d stop in and see how everything worked out for you.” He shifted his attention from me to Daniel. “Hey little man!”

“That was nice of you, you’re just in time for the exciting part,” my new salesman friend said.

“There’s an exciting part?” I ask, raising my eyebrows in doubt. 

“Yes ma’am. Everything’s done and now I get paid!”

Tommy laughs, “Nothing ever changes with you Bob, does it?”

I paid for the tire and turned to head out. Tommy had already picked up Daniel in his car seat and was waiting for me. 

“That’s really heavy, you don’t have to carry him”

“Heavy?” he bounced the car seat up and down a few times. 

“Showing off?” 

“Trying. How’s it working for me?

“Eh, I thought Texans wore tighter jeans..”

“I’m not trying to overwhelm you honey.”

I let out a hearty laugh as one of the mechanics pulled my car up to the curb for me. I opened the backdoor to my car and took Daniel from him. I snapped him in and double checked to make sure it was tight. When I stood up and turned around, Tommy had me cornered. With one arm on the hood of my car and the other resting on the top of the door, I found my face inches from his. 

“What are you two doing tonight?”  He was so close that I could smell a hint of his spicy cologne. 

I couldn’t think of an excuse on the spot, but I knew getting involved with someone right now wasn’t best for me and Daniel. Especially not someone so charming, men like Tommy only meant trouble. 

“Um.. “

“Let me take ya’ll out, show you the town.”

“I can pretty much see it all from here” I joke, squinting off in the distance.

“Is that a no?” he asked, his eyes burning into mine, daring me to resist. 

“Maybe some other time, I’m just still unpacking.”

He raised his hands in the air in defeat and smiled, “Alright, I can take rejection.” 

“See you later Tommy”

He stuck his hands in his pockets in and just smiled at me. At least he let it go.

I brought my attention back to Daniel as he cooed at me. I ran my finger along his cheek, a mother instinct he already seemed embarrassed by as he pulled his head away. Lost in my world of Daniel I didn’t see the young man walk up to my table until he spoke.

“Faye Anderson, right?” 

My head snapped up at the sound of my own name. “Yes, hi.”

“Hi,” he stuck out his hand and chuckled, “sorry to sound so creepy, small town. I’m Ethan McCray, I teach Math at Merriman.”

 “Oh hi Ethan! Nice to meet you!” I reached my hand out excitedly to shake his, “I haven’t gotten to meet any of the staff yet.” Ethan was cute, in a boyish way. He looked almost too young to be a teacher. He was slender, which only emphasized how young he looked, and he had short, curly brown hair and deep brown eyes. When I noticed he had a to-go bag from the deli in his hands I decided to jump on my chance to meet a new friend. “Do you want to sit down?” 

“You don’t mind?”

“No, no, I was just getting out of my apartment tonight, getting some fresh air for us.”

At the mention of “us” he looks at Daniel. “Wow, he’s little. How old is he?”

“Just over two months. Say ‘hi’ Daniel!” I move his little hand back and forth, but he does’t even glance my way, he’s staring off into space.

“What’s up Daniel?”

“How long have you been teaching at Merriman?” 

“This will only be my second year, but I like it there.”

“I’m pretty excited to start.”

“Where are you coming from?”

I filled Ethan in with the boring background facts; where I grew up, went to college, and why I wanted to teach. I left out most of the poignant details, things about Josh that were still too fresh to explain to a mere stranger. He told me he’d always lived in Merriman and that the majority of the people in the town came from this town. The locals only ever ventured away long enough to go to college, if that. He was really close to his family and didn’t want to leave them. Our conversation came easily and I felt immediately loyal to him and our new friendship. 

“I’m really glad I got to meet you” he said as we gathered our napkins and cups from the table. “It get’s really hectic the first week the staff is back at school, I probably wouldn’t have gotten more than an introduction in.”

“I’m glad too,” and I really was. It felt nice to know that I had an ally at my new job. 

“Hey, a couple of us are going out the night before we’re back to work, you should come and meet everyone.” 

My first invite out. I was happy for it, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to go... I had Daniel. 

As if he could read my mind he said, “My seventeen year old sister is a pretty experienced babysitter. My mom runs an in home daycare that my little sis helps at during the summer. I know she would love Daniel.”

I hesitated. I have never left Daniel with anyone. I was so terrified when I first had him, terrified at how one little slip up could hurt him. He is so fragile. It had taken me a good month to feel comfortable with him myself, how could I trust him to a seventeen year old stranger? “I don’t know Ethan, I’ve never left him with anyone.”

“She’s great, trust me. There was a baby boom in town this year, I swear. My mom has a whole group of babies that Annie helps with everyday.” He gave me a look of encouragement. “Just promise me you’ll think about it?”

“I can do that.” 

He seemed satisfied with that answer and gave my baby a silly little wave before walking away. Maybe I should go. I don’t want to be a hermit here in Merriman, I moved away to start a new life. I’m already getting cabin fever in my own apartment, and in a few short days Daniel would be starting daycare anyways. I might as well get adjusted, right? I looked down at my sleepy baby in his stroller and sent up a silent prayer that I was doing the right thing by bringing him here to Merriman.