Nostalgia

People wish for pain, and others for pleasure...some wish for the pain that caused their pleasure...

Nostalgia

A poem by Alejandro Manuel Espinoza

At times
Sitting alone in my room
Surrounded by treasures

I long for the chains that once bound me to sadness
It seems like in that sadness
I found a small glimmer of warm and comforting joy

Everyday
I wake up into the world I never chose to be in
It seems like I can do nothing for those far away

Poverty of the soul
My pathogen
It eats away at me everyday

How I long for the touch of love and the touch of concern
The gentle fingers of the memories
So far away from my grasp

Try as I may to hold on to these things
They slip away like grains of sand through my fingers

The cold
Memories of snow
My nose cold
But my hands warm
The unbreakable bonds of our hearts broken by the power of the all powerful

Memories of the air's sweet smell
There was nothing really special about it in the first place
But now
The breaths of my loved ones float about
Making the air
Sweet

Burning inferno of rage in my heart because of helplessness and my uselessness
I distance myself from welcoming arms

Confused
Happy
Sad
Torn
A wreck
A melted mass of imperfection

I look at people with their special ones
I envy them
I want to have the company again
There is nothing that can console me
Not even for a moment

Yet the world does not stop for my tears
I start the day waiting for the end of it
This is no way to live life

The beautiful visage of my tainted angel burns my mind
Her thorns and roots grow deep within my heart
She loves me
Yet hurts me so
Is it an illusion?

I want to destroy my very being
I want to rip my heart from my chest
Mutilate the sex-desiring genitals

The dusk settles once again into the sky
I envision my life over the hills that bind me here

The
Time
Space
and distance
Opposes me.
It builds a wall between me and my beloved

Silent day after day
No one will ever see the scars
Not even the ones knocking at the doors of my heart

How I long to let you in
How I long to spend moments in warmth with you
But not every beautiful face is real

This nostalgia
Oh, this nostalgia
End this... nostalgia

End the sleepless nights
Now alone against the blue-orange sky
Trapped behind this jail cell made of concrete
Insulation
And glass

End the embarrassment of this face in the mirror
End The insults at the color of skin
End The cold space at my side

No longer accompanied by warm bare skin or soft sheets
The sky above us was ours
We spent our hours under it as we pleased
I miss that
Laughing without worry
Shouting at each other because we know we both cared
The love inseparable by time

Memories of the fear
The fear of saying I love you
Now I fear I will never get to say it again

The memories of those laughing at my side
The people who hugged me every day
The people who kept my heart safe and warm
Even if that heat was intended to burn

Those who I used to hate
Become the people I would give anything in the world to see

End this...nostalgia

 

Author's Note

some wish for the pain that caused thier pleasure