Journal No. 1

A piece in a series of journals, my mind poured out on paper.

Journal #1

A poem by Alejandro Manuel Espinoza

 

Time and space tend to elude my mind as of late

Leaving it blank and without a host to serve its starving stomach

I feel hunger and question my desire to eat

 

I must drain myself of everything,

Every significant piece of my existence, feeling as though

Giving in to the past won’t necessarily justify my existence now.

 

I feel plagued with lethargy. Eating, sleeping, showering, all mere tasks.

Sex loses its appeal, its tongue tastes nothing.

The smell of sex,

The smell of pits on my body.

 

Sickening.

 

Solace is found only in solitude, confined in my joyous

Soft cell with pieces of soft plastic and

Mediums of literature and stories, creating ideas

That go down in a book of silent wisdom

 

Full of hatred, hard to stay resolute.

My mind is very bothersome, it might split in two.

I want to blame lack of sleep for this recent draught in creativity

and free thought.

 

I wonder if something is happening to me, magnetic

Waves suppressing every drop of serotonin.

I want no more, no less than sleep.

 

This is something I can help, but I am restless. I desire a long period

Of uninterrupted slumber in blue mist and rain

Perhaps detached from all of reality, from my own self.

 

Removal of self is sometimes best for a troubled soul.

I fear brain dementia, yet the things we fear must have already happened

And I can’t bear to travel across another medium again

 

Transferring state of mind, erasing everything and starting over.

Discontent is often productive, canceling out the sloth

Of content.

 

I want to destroy, to reverse, to create new, give birth. Create.

My purpose is to trek across imagination, to fabricate beauty

And emotion

And stories

With the silver tongue sweating in my mouth.

 

I grow tired of speaking in repetition.

My dreams are not meant to spill from lips. I will hate the ending to this.

 

 

Author's Note

A piece in a series of journals.