100 Hearts

A heed of warning

I gave away my heart to him
Laying on a bed dawning satin.
I thought for safe keeping
Was the box he put it in.
He came to me with kisses;
His touch was so soft.
He caressed my breasts so gently;
My heart was held aloft.
He whispered sweet promises
As he nibbled on my ear.
I heard the words, "I love you"
As his hands pulled me nearer.
And so I gave him all I had;
Which he took so easily.
A long night filled with pleasure
Was what it came to be.
I felt a twinge happiness
As I drifted to a land of sleep.
I gave my heart away tonight
It would be his to keep.
His warm embrace I'd have
And his tender loving kisses
I didn't need my heart with him;
I didn't think I'd miss it.
Lo, morning came in coldness
I was alone in his bed.
I couldn't place the reason
For the pain in my chest
It ached for real love
But hadn't that I found?
I rose to find my lover;
But the pain took me to the ground.
If I only had my heart back!
Perhaps this feeling would depart?
So I opened up the box to find,
A hundred stolen hearts.

Author's Note

This isn't my style. Not even sure where this came from. But here it is so please tell me what you think, honestly. What would you charge if you had written it?? Should I look for more poetic words? Punctuation? I'd appreciate any input. Thanks so much!!

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Very creative way to straddle the line between realism & abstract. I totally followed & visualized the actual sequence of events being described, while at the same time, grasping double meanings & deeper feelings being alluded to by such analogies as the box with a hundred hearts. This is a very gentle & subtle way of saying: "I rolled over & saw his panty collection -- a hundred in all!" *smile* Or as the great Carole King wrote: "will you still love me tomorrow?" Such is the reality of jumping into the sack too quickly, even if you do think it's love.

[Reba]

Thank you for your rewiew!! I'm glad you were able to follow everything. ;) Very creative eat to look at it!! Thanks. ;)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

this doesn't need to be cluttered with extensively obtuse vocabulary...it is written from the heart in a more confessional style...in your face honesty...

and so much truth---people often leave a string of broken hearts...

they just are afraid of commitment or just have no idea what the word means.

the people left behind have the sadness to open every day...those who leave often have no conscience or feeling.

j.

[Reba]

Thanks for the rewiew! I agree.
I guess it just breaks my heart that si name girls give up for one night and i guess, if it were me then it would haunt me forever.

[Paul Bell]

Wonder how many women have opened the drawer to that realisation.
I suppose it's a learning curve in the journey to true love.

[Reba]

These days I'm afraid that's too many. :( Ugh, world we live in these days.

[ReedWrite]

I love the subject matter...and love that you opened the box to find a hundred stolen hearts. As for ideas on things to think about changing...one thing that I feel helps poetry to flow for the reader is using spacing and breaks. This seems to run together for me as a reader. You can follow it, but it's more a matter of working to follow it, rather than having it flow through your head. Another idea would be to balance the lines...there are what I call fluff words, that you could take out that would make the pacing and rhythm flow more smoothly. I don't think you need to look for more poetic words...what you have is great.

[Reba]

Thank you for your review! I appreciate it. ;) I like the idea of breaking it up. I think I'll do that. It should definably hello it read easier. Thank you.

[ReedWrite]

YW. One way I get ideas in writing poetry is to read others' work and see how they craft it. I am very visually oriented, so for me, I try and use how I place the lines on the page to generate a "feel" for the reader. How you craft it visually is as much a part of a poem as the words and pacing, but that's just my humble opinion. If you haven't already, look up the poem The Highwayman online, by Alfred Noyes. Read that in HS. My favorite ALL TIME poem...even now. There's a U-Tube of Loreena McKennitt singing it too, that is haunting. But the visual layout of that poem helps you "feel" it, I think. Don't stress over it...just have fun and find what works fo you!

[Reba]

Thank you for that. Your opinion is welcome. I'll defiantly read that! ;)