Swallows

One day quite long ago, a maiden stood ashore
Held there in her love's embrace before he set sail once more
She lay her head against his chest not wanting to miss a beat
He whispered as he held her close, soon again their hearts would meet.

“When the stars are at their highest, when the moon is full and bright
You’ll hear my voice across the waves whisper your name each night
I’ll blow you kisses on the warm summer breeze, caress you with the sun
And when you see the swallows return you know my journey home’s begun.”

As his ship set sail that day, the maiden’s tears fell deep
She held his picture to her breast as she cried herself to sleep
Each night she prayed for his safe return and blew a kiss to sea
Every day she watched the seasons change and waited patiently

As the days grew longer and the nights soon fell away
She waited for the Swallows; she looked for them each day.
And as the winds blew warmer and the sun shone on her face
She listened at the sea shore for the waves to whisper ‘Grace’.

Then the Swallows soon returned and her soul felt light at last.
She sang herself to sleep each night her tears where in the past
She knew that soon her love would be close by her side once more
She couldn’t wait to let him know what the future held in store.

But soon the stars had lost some shine and the moon hung low in the sky
Grace still listened at the shore but the waves did only sigh
No longer did she feel his kisses blowing in the breeze
And the warm fingers of the suns rays slowly began to freeze

As the news arrived with scorn that his ship was lost at sea
A dark cloud hovered there that day and the rain fell endlessly
The maiden’s cries carried in the wind and the heavens felt her pain
Never would she hold him close and feel his heart again.

Though she thought him whenever she could, each second of every day
She tried so hard to remember the words he’d said as he went away
But all she could recall was the look of love in his eyes
The changing of the seasons and the urge to watch the skies.

Still many months did pass and the seasons changed once more
The maiden found herself waiting at a place she’d been before
As she held her baby in her arms she heard a whisper clear
Grace I love you, I always will and I always will be near.

A tear rolled down her cheek as she felt a kiss in the air
She smiled and turned her face to the sun as she knew that he was there
She opened her eyes in time to see two Swallows flying high
She told her babe what Daddy said the day he said goodbye.

When the stars are at their highest, when the moon is full and bright
You’ll hear my voice across the waves whisper your name each night
I’ll blow you kisses on the warm summer breeze, caress you with the sun
And when you see the swallows return you know my journey home’s begun.

Author's Note

I know this one is a little tricky to read. The flow is there, it just takes some getting used to. I wrote this a long time ago but it's still one of my faves.

Reviews

[TLK]

This is indeed full of flow, and I can see why it is a favourite in your own work. However, I have a few suggestion that could make the flow better in my eyes... if it helps you to improve it in your eyes, then I will be very please.

Typo: "her loves embrace" is missing a possessive apostrophe.

Flow: The repetition of 'said' in "said the day he said" is a little bit of a stumbling block for my lips. Is 'waved goodbye' a decent substitution?

The last two lines are overly long, at least in how I enunciate it when I read it. I find myself having to rush "warm summer breeze" and "you know my" to get it all to fit in. Suggestions: "I'll blow you kisses to float downstream" and "when you see the swallows swift you'll know I shall return".

Hope that at least one of my points helps you to make this an even better best poem.

[Rebecca K Pavia]

Thank you very much for such a helpful review. As I said, I knew this one required a little more work. I shall definitely take another look at it tomorrow, when my head isn't half-asleep, and take heed of your advice. Oh, and will alter the typo now. How did I miss that? Grr. Thank you for reading.

[TLK]

Our fingers miss the typos because they want to give pedants gainful employment.

[TLK]

Actually, no, wait a second: our eyes miss the typos.

That might just be an example of irony. Let see if I can type this sentence without making smoe egregious erorr or too, eh?

[Sacsen Foote]

This is very lovely, I find it hard to find writings that touch me even on here, but this one really sent a chill down my spine at parts. As has been pointed out there are a few typos, but they've already been pointed out. All in all a splendid job.

[Chris]

"She sang herself to sleep each night her tears where in the past" - "Where" or were?

"Though she thought him whenever she could, each second of every day - "thought him" or thought of him?

"And when you see the swallows return you know my journey home’s begun." - "you know" or you'll know?

A very good story, the ryhming is fair and doesn't seem forced. When read aloud though - the rhythm really takes a beating from stanza to stanza and often within stanzas.

It should be easily repairable if you record it being read aloud - determine what you want the rhythm to be and then match each line's length with the syllable count.

[Rebecca K Pavia]

Thank you for pointing out my typos. I Will admit to being bad at reading back my work to check, and missing a few typing errors but, in my defense, I'm usually half asleep when I write. As for the flow, yes, I agree with you totally there. I do know it need ssome work. I still love this poem though as I was quite emotional when I wrote it and it just stayed with me for a long while. One of my sentimentle keeps I think : ) Thank you for taking the time to read and review.

[Distant horizons]

Beautiful, epic write. Love it.