ICE BLUE EYE

suspense

ICE BLUE EYE

 

She pretties herself at the antique vanity

Plucks her thick eyebrows

Table mirror slightly shifts

Glossy red lipstick, powdered nose, blush cheeks

 

In the mirror

She captures the corner of his face

His left nostril

Ice blue eye

Brown-hued brow

Streaks of dark hair

 

Her silk pink robe, one side off shoulder

displays her ivory white skin

 

She’s frightful of his abrupt entry

Door unlatched

 

She twists to face him

Sits on her furry vanity stool

 

Close to the doorway

He retrieves a red brassiere

Strewn on the floor

Twirls it around his arm

Demeanor of mistrust on his mustached face

He queries without words

 

Her core frigid, eyes flashing at speed

Clammy hands shroud her face

He withdraws, brassiere in pocket

Slams the door

She whimpers, a cat’s cry

After, a deep sigh of soul-stirring relief

 

Reviews

[Mike Keenan]

I really like where you go with this, particularly displaying him as a cyclops, but I think you need to get rid of a few redundant words – as below –

ICE BLUE EYE



at the antique vanity

she Plucks thick eyebrows

Table mirror slightly shifts

Glossy red lipstick, powdered nose, blush cheeks



In the mirror

the corner of his face

His left nostril

Ice blue eye

Brown-hued brow

Streaks of dark hair



Her silk pink robe, one side off shoulder

displays ivory skin



frightful of his abrupt entry

Door unlatched



She twists to face him

Sits on vanity stool



Close to the doorway

He retrieves a red brassiere

Strewn on the floor

Twirls it around his arm

He queries without words – (love this)



Her eyes flash at speed

Clammy hands shroud her face

He withdraws, brassiere in pocket

Slams the door

As She whimpers.

[Betty Hermelee]

Thank you for reviewing, but I don’t get your redundancy!!

[Mike Keenan]

the first example is 'she pretties herself.' Not needed as you then describe exactly what she does. Another example is 'ivory white skin.' white is redundant. Many more - ex 'demeanor of.'

[Betty Hermelee]

so sorry, that 's my style....

[Betty Hermelee]

I think you should read some other reviews!
No negativity please.
Thanks

[Mike Keenan]

so what you are saying is that you do not want to improve and that your 'style' is perfect for you; if that's the case, why bother with feedback? Do you just want a pat on the back?

[Gee]

Bettys comment was for an inappropriate comment that I posted and later deleted, twas not aimed at your review sir.
Apologies to you both

[Betty Hermelee]

Thanks Gee, only positive comments on this site right?? Best

[Patricia Wedel]

dearest Betty... men are so predictable... always ready to
stir the embers, but play catch me if you can. Quite a fashionable play on Vanity. Reminds me of Rhett Butler and Scarlet O'Hara. gently, Pat

[Betty Hermelee]

Thank you dear Pat for a lovely review!
Truly
B.

[William Michael Reeves]

I hope this is fiction. Pretty scary if not! You really take a turn there. Seductive at first then it turns into a horrorshow. The cool thing is I was gripping my phone harder and you got a reaction. Unique and mysterious. Shocking and unnerving. Well done! After another read I feel like she might be a stripper and he the manager. ???

[Betty Hermelee]

Thanks so much WM, yes , it is fiction!!!
Best, B.
PS driving home next 2 days, will be back

[Andrew John]

Indeed, rather suspenseful. I like this one.

[Betty Hermelee]

Thank you for visiting and reviewing my poem.
Best, Betty