Destiny's game

My heart was well fenced,

you conquered it with your tenderness

My eyes had no weird dreams,

you showed me heavenly castles

My mind was as calm as a Summer sea,

like a Moon you made my thoughts bounce

Loneliness was my best friend,

you made even my shadow shy

My routine got gently upset,

my thoughts were invested on you

I had no love goals ever,

conceived you as my destiny

But destiny envied your love

and my new found happiness,

Deciding to make you hers!

 

I envision no hope now,

are you happy without me, love?

Routine still remain perturbed,

rewinding the sweet memories

Shadow left me as I'm in dark,

loneliness is gleefully back

Moon still stares with sympathy,

mind's now in the summer state

Castles collapsed under heavy heart,

dreams wiped off from the eyes

Heart’s now got no monarch,

But the silence of a graveyard!

 

Reviews

[ANTO]

This is quite mythological in the telling - the personification of "Destiny" as a love rival or envious, powerful being, determined to separate the two erstwhile lovers - inventively visualised by the torn chevron-shape of the poem - the chevron that was heading in the same direction has been divided, exactly where Destiny is introduced to the reader, signifying the start of the end. But of course Destiny doesnt intervene for its own gratification or to steal a lover for itself but to guide mere mortals along their respective paths, which were always going to diverge here.
You create a beautiful if surreal mind-scape Deepika with many metaphors and images.

The third stanza demonstrates the speakers way of dealing with the separation - welcoming loneliness back as an old friend and resetting the heart to the default loveless state.
Strong writing Deepika

[Deepika]

Thanks Anto for your beautiful insight on this piece :) Well to be honest, I wanted the prose on the Destiny as a demarcation for the the contrast of emotions that I wanted to portray, also leave the the lines that are of similar context with same indentation/offset. Hence this layout. I'm thankful to give for giving a new dimension that now seems apt when I look at it.

[ANTO]

It (the shape) reminded me of the arrows on war-time maps that show the direction of a whole army and the demarcation point (Destiny's interruption) seemed like the army (i.e. Love) was being outflanked by Destiny - this kind of thing
http://lh4.ggpht.com/_90-7gfbA4VM/S-fdzfhTakI/AAAAAAAACSg/jXHVVCkEJ-s/dads-army_thumb%5B3%5D.jpg?imgmax=800

your welcome - I enjoy your writing Deepika

[Deepika]

wow..that's an amazing interpretation. Thanks Anto. Your comments mean a lot :)

[ANTO]

:))..........

[Yusuf Qaizar]

That was a very intense and exotic story telling. It hit right at the heart. Also the way the story goes ahead and then comes backward the same way is beautiful. Amazing.

[Deepika]

Thanks much Yusuf :)) You got my point of view :)

[Not here]

i feel sad that some people can make better arrows with words than i can drawing on a piece of paper...but thats beside the point. great work on this, and keep it up. your a good writer

[Deepika]

Thanks a lot David :))

[AaronFreitas]

I love the emotions you captured wih your words in this piece. I love the way you easily transitioned into the darkness of the poem and the disappointment in destiny having a different take on love for you. Very good job I really enjoyed it!

[Deepika]

Thank you so much Aaron :)) This time tried keeping off from rhyme scheme and that somewhat helped my thoughts flow easily :)

[Saddam]

Everything in this fantastic work is well captured. And formatting is also in a good shape.
Quite interested. Great job dear friend as always.....

Routine still remain perturbed,
rewinding the sweet memories
Shadow left me as I'm in dark,
loneliness is gleefully back

[Deepika]

thank you so much Ssadd for your gentle review:)

[Saddam]

Your most welcome dear

[Double T]

WOW! This is cool writing. You've really captured the emotion of your poem. It's awesome :)

[Deepika]

thanks a lot buddy :)

[Avinash]

Seems like someone reclusive and introvert got into love and gave all she had but in vain. Otherwise why so heartfelt poem will come into being.

[Deepika]

Thanks Avinash :) Well this is just a fictitious work :P Glad that you could get the feelings :)

[Jamestown]

Absolutely fantastic piece of work! I really enjoyed this top to bottom,
format, wording, message everything, thanks for sharing and b-blessed!

[Deepika]

Thank you so much James :)) Glad you liked it everything in it :)