Destiny's game

My heart was well fenced,

you conquered it with your tenderness

My eyes had no weird dreams,

you showed me heavenly castles

My mind was as calm as a Summer sea,

like a Moon you made my thoughts bounce

Loneliness was my best friend,

you made even my shadow shy

My routine got gently upset,

my thoughts were invested on you

I had no love goals ever,

conceived you as my destiny

But destiny envied your love

and my new found happiness,

Deciding to make you hers!

 

I envision no hope now,

are you happy without me, love?

Routine still remain perturbed,

rewinding the sweet memories

Shadow left me as I'm in dark,

loneliness is gleefully back

Moon still stares with sympathy,

mind's now in the summer state

Castles collapsed under heavy heart,

dreams wiped off from the eyes

Heart’s now got no monarch,

But the silence of a graveyard!

 

Reviews

[ANTO]

This is quite mythological in the telling - the personification of "Destiny" as a love rival or envious, powerful being, determined to separate the two erstwhile lovers - inventively visualised by the torn chevron-shape of the poem - the chevron that was heading in the same direction has been divided, exactly where Destiny is introduced to the reader, signifying the start of the end. But of course Destiny doesnt intervene for its own gratification or to steal a lover for itself but to guide mere mortals along their respective paths, which were always going to diverge here.
You create a beautiful if surreal mind-scape Deepika with many metaphors and images.

The third stanza demonstrates the speakers way of dealing with the separation - welcoming loneliness back as an old friend and resetting the heart to the default loveless state.
Strong writing Deepika

[Deepika]

Thanks Anto for your beautiful insight on this piece :) Well to be honest, I wanted the prose on the Destiny as a demarcation for the the contrast of emotions that I wanted to portray, also leave the the lines that are of similar context with same indentation/offset. Hence this layout. I'm thankful to give for giving a new dimension that now seems apt when I look at it.

[ANTO]

It (the shape) reminded me of the arrows on war-time maps that show the direction of a whole army and the demarcation point (Destiny's interruption) seemed like the army (i.e. Love) was being outflanked by Destiny - this kind of thing
http://lh4.ggpht.com/_90-7gfbA4VM/S-fdzfhTakI/AAAAAAAACSg/jXHVVCkEJ-s/dads-army_thumb%5B3%5D.jpg?imgmax=800

your welcome - I enjoy your writing Deepika

[Deepika]

wow..that's an amazing interpretation. Thanks Anto. Your comments mean a lot :)

[ANTO]

:))..........

[wordsofheart]

A brilliant piece of poetry! The start is so happy and then it turns to sad at the end.So well-written.I must say,you have a way with words.Nice work!Well Done!

[Deepika]

Thank you so much dear friend for dropping by and for the kind words :)

[wordsofheart]

It's my pleasure :)

p.s.We're from the same country :P

[Deepika]

Oh that's cool :)

[wordsofheart]

Yep,I know :)

[Rounak Jain]

Oh, I read it yest. forgot to reply. Nice creativity. rising and then destiny triumphantly pulling back to 0. Bit by bit. layer by layer, all shed. but probably things wont be same again even though its back to the same place. This one is high on creativeness, strong on emotions. got me dreaming in the frst para and sad in the 2nd para. .

[Deepika]

Aww..thanks for the beautiful review :)) True, things can't be same again!

[Ana B.]

Though and rough, as it's life more times than we can count.
the line '' mind's now in the summer state'' is my favorite. Awesome lines even if there is a lot of heartbreak. But there is always beauty in the dark.

[Deepika]

Thanks a lot Ana :))

[Prashant Pandey]

poetry is not my genre so i can't review but enjoyed it.

[Deepika]

Thanks for the review Prashant :) Glad you enjoyed it.

[Ehra Khan]

Okay this one's got no rhymings, yet it comes in a flow! The vocabulary is intense and captivating. I love your use of alliterations like- 'Summer sea','shadow shy' and 'castles collapsed'! loved it! This is my first review of one of your poems! glad to Hav done so! keep it up:)

[Deepika]

Thanks a lot for your kind review :)) Glad you liked it!

[Saravanan Evu]

Nice writing, but try to change the structure of the poetry.

[Deepika]

Thanks Saravanan:) I too realized the structure looks somewhat hodgepodge when viewed through cellphone. But it was with an intent i laid it that way. Thanks for your suggestion.

[Abilash Uttama]

sometimes we fall for something which appears to be ours but then we realize the subterfuge. Amazing work !

[Deepika]

true! Thanks abhilash for your valuable time :))

[Abilash Uttama]

okay this time you too spelled my name incorrectly , well it happens with me a lot :D

[Deepika]

lol..was attempting to give a depth to your name :P sorry for that :)

[Abilash Uttama]

It's fine, I'm quite used to it and you were attempting to give a depth to my name, mujhe to thanks bolna chahiye tha :D

[Deepika]

Aww..humne naam bigaad diya aur badhle me aap thanks de rahe ho XD I'm humbled ;)

[Abilash Uttama]

mein ek achcha sanskaari ladka hu naa isliye ;)

[Deepika]

speechless! :P

[Jeyanthi]

Am not good at reviewing though, so am just saying i like it.

[Deepika]

Thank you Jeyanti :))

[Mayank]

I loved it, the pattern you have drawn here is more like arrow - pointing a direction, towards destiny. This was also like a good story, the flow made it sweet and saddening towards the end, the void to leave the sad space.

[Deepika]

Thank you so much Mayank :))

[Emily]

Lovely layout of words!
Well done!

[Deepika]

Thank you Emily ! :)