A mazy forlorn

A sequel of my previous piece- 'A fowl play' expressing the emotional turbulence of the segregated nightingale and the offspring..

 

  

       Little one's dusk ended in a melody of forlorn-

"You left me with crows before I could open my eyes,

I believed I was one among them as I was a novice,

To all the love I could ever get, my voice laid a full-stop,

Days passed by desiring a new ray of hope!

 

I wonder if my beak resembles that of yours,

Have I any siblings pleading at somebody's doors?

Don't you wanna delight seeing this wretched one?

Do you doubt my voice if it could bring you any fun?

Peacocks proudly dance for my song on events,

Yet I have no one to celebrate my proud moments!

 

I swear would not demand a well furnished eyrie,

Golden cage didn't enhance my flying luxury,

Would just hide under your wings in the dark night;

Those forest beasts scare me out of my wits

 

Hope you still are in the same world as mine,

You'll need me,  your age is not that fine"!

   Her mother's dawn broke with a rueful tone-

"Dear one, my voice is too feeble to reach you,

My ears are not apt to feel your voice’s cue

 

I was inept to furnish you with your basic needs,

Hope you forgive me someday and my ruthless deeds

I wish I could sing lullabies to you every night,

When I'm not around, was scared if snakes would bite

 

Hope u brought a good name to your surrogate mother,

I saw you enjoying the power of your wings with others,

Every night my eyes watched you secretly from far,

Until one day I found out that you all shifted elsewhere!

 

I wish to see you just once before i close my eye,

If I take you off, hope your crow mother doesn't cry!"

 

  Their song was soothing to everyone who couldn't decode,

  Missing each other, every time their tears overflowed!

 

Reviews

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

Could use some editing to improve the flow and general structure of the piece to truly capture the emotion that you are expressing.

[Deepika]

Thank you friend for dropping by:) would be glad to receive suggestions that could make it better.

[Mayank]

It's beautiful, intense and very emotional.

[Deepika]

Thanks a lot mayank :)

[Abilash Uttama]

nice poem Deepika, sometimes we just focus on what happened to us ignoring the fact that who did this was compelled by the circumstances. Good work!

[Deepika]

That's exactly what I wanted to convey here. Thanks Abilash :))

[Ana B.]

A very deep and intense one. Absolutely genial and amazing. Trully nice work D!

[Deepika]

Thanks Ana for your kind review :)

[Not here]

woah. this is really deep and sad! but a great piece of work!

[Deepika]

Thanks David for your appreciation :)

[Sophy Freebirds]

Seems like everybody out here is going lengthy.. :p.. well i just came from Roshan's page and readong this i thought may be its the same one :D... But never mind i am glad i visited and read your poem.It is a good thing that you moulded yourself in the character of the bird to express her feelings.Without that it would have been inaffective.Just a suggestion towards the last you have used !u" instead of you.I know its a typo. Because we are serious poets out here we don't use shorthand. :) *keep writing* God bless you

~Sophy

[Deepika]

Thank you so much Sophy for dropping by :)) And for the correction as well! Have a great day :)

[CA Anurag Sharma]

Best way to enjoy an off day is to read some good stuff.... and this one is really another brilliant piece from a brilliant writer.... too good Deepika....

[Deepika]

Thank you much Anurag :)) have a great weekend!

[Sami Khalil]

"Golden cage didn't enhance my flying luxury,
Would just hide under your wings in the dark night;
Those forest beasts scare me out of my wits

Hope you still are in the same world as mine,
You'll need me, your age is not that fine"!"

A splendid read and write. Glad I visited...:)...................

[Deepika]

Thanks a lot for stopping by Sami:) Glad you liked it :)

[Sami Khalil]

Yep. Any time. You are welcome...:)...................

[Roshan Nair]

The 1 st person technique you've used seems normal but the way you've used it, it must have taken some real honest emotional investment to write something like this. Very nicely done deepika :) cheers

[Deepika]

Thank you so much Roshan! :)) An attempt to think from different prospects..

[AaronFreitas]

What a great piece! Very powerful and I love the way you play with the tones on this piece.
Awesome work!

[Deepika]

Thank you so much Aaron! Tried adding more effects with colors ;)) Wanted to keep the tone of the baby nightingale sarcastic and the mother as humble :)

[AaronFreitas]

You definitely did that!!! Great job