Miss Muffet

With my diet, you can eat when you want, what you want.

 

Little Miss Muffet

Sat on a tuffet,

Eating her curds and whey;

There came a big spider,

Who sat down beside her,

And frightened Miss Muffet away.

It was another year in Taffy County and there’s only one sure contestant the folks were going to join for the great Dairy Queen pageant. And that would be Little Miss Patty Muffet, the daughter of Doctor Thomas Muffet, a biologist dedicated to spiders. After much merriment in the largest state fair in the kingdom, Patty was crowned the Dairy. It was such a busy week for little Patty, especially that she’s just nine, always wearing a heavy crown, steamy cow skin cape, waving endlessly at spectators, milking cows, stirring the curds, smelling cheeses, etc. She was even given a butter sculpture of herself sitting on a tuffet. Patty just loved all the attention.

After the parade of the Dairy Queen, Patty returned home excited to tell her father of the glorious news. She came running to the sun room where she knew her father would usually be. But upon opening the door, she stumbled and got tangled up on a huge spider web, though it was intricately designed. A scarlet spider appeared spinning a web on her hand. For a normal sized spider, its web was very thick. Patty screamed and her father appeared to detach her from the web without breaking it. Patty tried to hug him but instead her father pinched her ear and scolded her to not go into his lab. She cried to her room and failed to tell her father about her coronation.

That night, Patty had again another craving for a midnight snack. She went to the fridge and only found a gallon of cottage cheese. She took the whole bucket, and along the way back to her room, Patty heard her father mumbling in the sun room again. She peeked in and saw him feeding the spiders coffee. It was a fact that spiders could spin webs with beautiful patterns when they take caffeine. After organizing them in the cages, Doctor Thomas left the room to get ready for bed. He didn’t notice Patty in the hall. He’s always like that to little poor Patty. She peeked in the sun room again and saw the spiders spinning webs hyperactively in their cages. She went inside and stared at them loathsomely.

She got a spoonful of the curd and poured it down on the scarlet spider. Seeing it helplessly confused, Patty was moved to do the same in all the spiders until there’s nothing left in the bucket. In the morning, Patty expected her father to panic. He did, but not on the cottage cheese. Actually, they were gone, to Patty’s surprise. Instead, the spiders grew moved more wildly. “I think I fed them too much coffee,” Doctor Thomas remarked. That night, Patty wanted another midnight snack. Being the Dairy Queen, Patty was given a year-supply of dairy products, but the only ones left for that day was cottage cheese again.

 

She sat on her favorite tuffet in the sitting room as she ate the curds and whey of the cottage cheese. Suddenly, a noise appeared behind the walls. It was like the scurrying of a thousand small feet, echoing, growing louder. Patty became uneasy and stopped eating to hear the strange things. Then, she felt something crawled behind her back. When she looked at her shoulder, she saw the scarlet spider again. She jumped away from the tuffet and dropped her bowl of curds and whey. In one horrific second, hundreds of spiders emerged from the walls. Patty finally declared her father a mad scientist for feeding the spiders coffee. But to her shock, the spiders crowded the spilled cottage cheese on the floor. Patty then ran away but the spiders were after the curds on her fingers.

With all the fear and panic, Patty didn’t think wisely when she decided to hide in the cheese room. There the spiders had a feeding frenzy and their main course was the Dairy Queen herself.

 

Author's Note

This must be the longest tale in the collection, and this is the only story which I based on the actual history of the rhyme. There's actually a Doctor Thomas Muffet and his daughter, Patience. But it's against my goal in creating this fanfiction, which is to interpret nursery rhymes without using entries of them in wikipedia. I based the contest on the Princess Kay of the Milky Way pageant held in the Minnesota State Fair.