Jack Sprat

I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut my self.

Jack Sprat could eat no fat.

His wife could eat no lean.

But between them both you see,

They ate the platter clean.

 

Jack Sprat was a vegetable farmer in his village. He grew artichokes to zucchinis. He’s a vegetarian and vegan, just like what the first line of the rhyme says, he could not eat anything that’s meat, not even fish. He’s very distinguishable among the crowd. He’s so tall and slim because of all the non-protein food in his diet. But aside from the vegetables, he also planted hops and grains, and would brew them into beer. Yes, he’s not only the village vegetarian; he’s also the village drunk.

 

Every night, he went to that dreary bar, drink tall glasses and spill out his hatred towards his wife, “Needles and pins, Needles and pins. When a man marries, his trouble begins!” He really hated his wife. Unlike him, she was fat, very fat – the result of her depression. Before she was just the butcher's little daughter. Jack would court her with all his gentleness as a vegetarian. Yet, it was too late for her to know that her husband was a drunk. She soon had a hole in her heart and tried to fill it with fatty foods.

 

Every morning, she serves sausages wrapped in bacon. Jack would throw the platters to the floor, and she would lick the floor clean of fatty juices. Then, Jack kicked her gelatinous butt and vomited violently on the sink from another hang over. The more they get depressed in their marriage, the more she eats. The more she gets fat, the more Jack drinks.

 

One night, his wife was surprised that her abusing husband took her out for dinner in a fancy restaurant. When they were seated, she heard him murmur, “Needles and pins, needles and pins.” It was the same song he would chant while drunk. She then realized that he was drunk. She walked away annoyed. But Jack Sprat kept on taunting her to go back, “C’mon, blubber boar. I know you could not resist all this fatty foods. Don’t worry I won’t get mad if you ate every damned food here. But the people would surely roast you on the spit like the pig you are!”

 

His wife then returned calmly. Suddenly, she jumped on him and sat on his chest. Her weight crashed his fragile bones. She took a knife, and sliced open her belly. Goo came out like butter. She squeezed a handful and put it into Jack’s mouth. He was forced to swallow the lard so he could breathe. But his wife kept on digging up her fat and filling Jack’s mouth with it. He soon choked to death, and his wife lay flat on the floor like an empty trash bag.

 

Author's Note

"Needles and Pins" is another nursery rhyme. I hope you didn't get gross out with self-liposuction of the "buttered" wife. By the way, I quoted the story's description from Meg Griffin of Family Guy.