The Strange Adventures of Andrew Barnes. Chapter One:The Beginning

“Andrew! Get out here!” Mother called as she began picking up the odds and ends that were scattered around the floor.

I groaned loudly, showing that I did not want to get up. I heard distant footsteps. They grew louder until they were loud enough to tell whose it was. Mother. I heard the door open and then I had my sheets torn off of me. I yelled loudly and said,

“Mom! It’s only- What! Eight! Why didn’t you wake me up?!?!” I jumped out of bed and sprinted for my dresser. Accidentally pulling out one of the drawers so everything spilled out onto the floor, I groaned loudly again. Why today of all days? I thought as I picked up a wrinkled sweater and jammed it over my head. Mother came up to me and said,

“Andrew, the living room is covered with your toys! I'll toast you a Pop Tart while you clean up. You have to leave for school in twenty minutes!”

That really got me going. By the time Mother came out with the Pop Tart, I had already cleaned up half the room. Mother was impressed. She smiled at me and handed me the Pop Tart. I thanked her and crammed the whole thing in my mouth. I coughed and it got stuck halfway down my throat. Mother hit me hard on the back and dashed out the room to grab a glass of milk. Ten seconds later, she was back and handed me the glass.

“Thanks,” I said weakly as I gulped down the milk.

“Next time, you should try chewing the Pop Tart before you swallow it. It really helps,” Mother said.

I nodded and ran back to my room, which was on the second floor. I grabbed my backpack and ran out the room. Sliding down the rail of the stairs, I cut off three seconds. Also I had made a new record. Two seconds! Proudly, I told mother. She just smiled gave me my lunch, kissed me on the cheek, and went into her office. I’ve never gone in there before. I always wondered what she did in there. I had asked her many times, but she would just say, “Oh, this and that.”

I ran out the front and closed the door. I did not know that I was about to go on the craziest adventure in my life.

Reviews

[Wulfgang Argyr]

The type is too small. This sounds like the type of intro someone would write because they don't quite know how to start the story but they still need a beginning. That is not bad, but it also means you'll want to make changes, or possibly remove it, as the story progresses.

[Donovan "Grey Wolf" Go..]

Its good.

[perfectlymetiKulous]

This was interesting. I am wondering what the craziest adventure in his life is going to be. The mom is very well described as well. She seems like any overly concerned parent. I like that part.

I do, however, see what the other reviewer means:
"I groaned loudly, showing that I did not want to get up. I heard distant footsteps. They grew louder until they were loud enough to tell whose it was. Mother. I heard the door open and then I had my sheets torn off of me. I yelled loudly and said"

I think you should substitute the loudly and louder for other words, if you find that you need them at all after editing the piece. But that is simply my humble opinion.

[Mandi]

Ben,
Do you know how big a poptart is??? Pretty big I don't think he could stick the whole thing half way down his throat...:)
Be careful with your word choice...i.e. "I sprinted for my dresser." How far away is his dresser? Does he have time to sprint? You have to build up to sprinting.
Also, Groaned LOUDLY, yelled LOUDLY, Groaned LOUDLY again...these may seem like little things to you...I know it does. Try using different words that mean LOUDLYand mix 'em up. I'm only trying to help...;)
Describing every single action is also not absolutely necessary. Like saying how he got downstairs or how he cought the bus. I understand that you want to describe everything just how you imagine it, but that may frustrate the reader. I am working on that to so don't feel bad. ;) I think you are a wonderful writer.
This is constructive critism, don't get upset. It's only one opinion.
This is a great start though. Could be potential...keep writing! ~Mandi =P