Chapter One

Here is Chapter one!

 

Chapter One

 

Bum, bum! The mighty drums of Azlane the Evil beat loudly around a huge camp. Creatures yelled and screamed wildly in Mossflower Woods. Azlane had a plan.

Earlier that day, three of his scouts had found a place called Redwall Abbey. So, the mighty Warlord decided to take it and make it his permanent fortress. He had already tried taking Salamandastron, but that badger and his hares stood firm and would not give in to his mighty army. So, Azlane went east towards Mossflower Woods.

“Squelchfeet, attend me!” barked Azlane, his one eye whirling around crazily. A small, albino rat came scurrying upp to a fire the Warlord was seated at.

Azlane’s features were ugly, for he was a fox.  His other eye had been ripped out by an eagle. Azlane then had killed the eagle. Around his neck were the very eagle’s feathers, made into a necklace. His torn up ears had crab claws pierced through them. All around his limbs were the skin and bones of his enemies, which were sewn together to make armor. For his clothes, he wore a rough robe which he wore under his armor. He carried a spear, made of oak, with the eagle’s beak as the point. He made a barbaric sight.

“I want you to gather my army together and have them ready in twenty minutes, or I will have you drowned. Understand?” Azlane laughed evilly as Squelchfeet gasped out in fear.

Squelchfeet then ran to where Azlane’s army, which was made up of stoats, weasels, rats, and ferrets, were resting. Azlane would not allow other foxes to be in his army. He didn’t trust them.

“Everybeast, Lord Azlane has ordered us to get ready for war!” Squelchfeet yelled in a high pitched voice as he ran around the camp.

Then the camp came to life. Everybeast started to grab their weapons, put out fires, and put their armor on.

Flying overhead was a small sparrow. He heard every word that Azlane had said. Turning south-east, the little sparrow flew towards Redwall Abbey, to spread the word that Azlane the Evil was coming.

*

It was a lovely spring day at Redwall Abbey. Flowers were blooming; Dibbuns were playing next to the Abbey Pond. Yes, all was well. At least that’s what Father Abbot Jugport thought.

The Abbot was a homely mole. He had bright green eyes, and he dressed in a brown habit. He wore a small ring, encrusted with an emerald, into which the shape of Martin the Warrior’s sword was carved. He also carried a small ladle in his belt, which he used for cooking.

Jugport was sleeping soundly in a old, wooden wheelbarrow under an apple tree, when a young mouse woke him up.

“Father, you are the beast I was looking for! I need help with something. All the Dibbuns want to go into the Pond, and I’m trying to keep them out, but they won’t listen to me. Could you help please?” asked Brother Dorbune as he wrung his paws worriedly.

“Of curse Brother Durburne, Oi’ll gladly elp’ yur’, though Oi don’t tink’ they’ll listen tur me either. Hur, hur!” Jugport replied as he stood up out of the wheelbarrow, helped by Brother Dorbune.

Then they started to walk towards the Abbey Pond, which was not very far away. As the two were walking towards the Pond, they could hear distant yells and shouts from the Dibbuns. Grinning, Father Jugport took out his ladle, as if he were going to fight. Brother Dorbune smiled and reached into his pocket, taking out a small mortar for grinding herbs. As they came upon the Dibbuns, all action ceased. Dibbuns scatted everywhere as they tried to hide from the Abbot. Jugport smiled and called out,

“Hold it roight ther’ everybeast, Oi want tur talk tur you!” the Abbot began hitting his ladle against his free paw. A few Dibbuns came out and began walking towards the Abbot, shuffling their paws. Then they began to yell and wail pitifully.

“Father Abut, we was being good, an’ we din’t jumpy in de Pondy, ruuly!”

“Oi wers’ being a gurd beasty Fater’ Aburt!”

“Yeah, I just dipped my paw in it once!”

Jugport threw up his paws in mock despair. Kneeling down next to a tiny mouse maid, Father Jugport asked her  in his quaint molespeech,

“Tell moi dear, wat wur yous’ doin’? Noiw, if you tell me truthfully, Oi’ll be appy’, okeidokie?”

The young maid smiled shyly and shuffled her paws in the dirt. Looking up into the bright green eyes of Father Abbot, Dimpsy, as was her name, replied,

“Fater’ Abbot, we were playin’ in the Abb-“

Thwack! Dimpsy was cut short by a little sparrow falling straight into her mouth. Coughing and choking, the little maid coughed up the sparrow. Jumping into the Abbey Pond to clean off, the sparrow hailed them,

  “Really, was that necessary? Eating a bird, very bad manners!” the sparrow flew out of the Pond and dropped down at Jugport’s feet. Looking up at him, he exclaimed, “I believe you must hear this Father! A little while ago I overheard somebeast talking, by the name of Azlane. Well, I heard that he is going to attack this very Abbey!”   

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Fabian G. Franklin]

I think you need to give a little more introduction to the characters and let the reader absorb the idea of who each one is. There is only so much immediate information that the mind can process and we look for a point of reference. You have too many characters that the reader knows nothing about from the beginning. Take your time and introduce each one slowly in a setting that gives us some insight into the character. And remember, it's always better to show than to tell. In example," Humbolt sat on his throne grumbling drunkenly; his grey beard stained red with wine." sounds better than The king was drunk on wine as he sat on his throne. We know he's a king because he's sitting on his throne. The language usage is alright but you probably should tone down the accent a bit to make it more understandable. Your reader won't read what he/she cannot understand. I hope this helps you in your writing and keep up the good work.

[Mandi]

You deffinately have a good imagination ben! But this one could use some work...
as for the sentence that I choose with your speech (you know what I'm talking about) is: "Looking up into the bright green eyes of Father abbot, Dimpsy, as was her name, replied,"...
yeah... and I agree with what the guy down-low said about toning down the accent. Good job thought!