I'm Sorry Mama.

I watched you starve just so you could feed me.
I watched you pretend like everything was okay while dad was breaking your heart.
I watched your hair turn grey while you lectured me about school and I never listened.
I watched you pray for your little girl's love while your little girl prayed to be as far away from home as possible.
I watched you cry over and over again because life was never fair to you and I only made it worse....
Out of all the words I failed to say to you,
I love you was the hardest to keep in, but the hardest to let out.

On my list of regrets, disappointing you is at the top.
I watched dad treat you like you were his property,
Then I went and dated a boy who treated me the same way.
For some reason I found a home-like feeling in the pain I was getting from him.
Go figure.
While crying over him, your words echoed inside my head.
"I'm so sorry I didn't listen" is all I remember whispering.

I'll never forget the night I actually left the house.
I didn't know where I was going,
I cried at even the slight thought of you not watching me grow up past 19, but being head strong was a quality you gave me, so I kept going.
You ran behind me and told me to be safe,
You ran even faster in hopes of me letting you come with me.
I felt your heart crush when I told you to stay and take care of the girls and I still don't know why you looked over your shoulders to watch me leave.
Even though at that moment you shouldn't have loved me, you still did.
While you paced back and fourth not knowing if I would come back home to you, I was pacing back and fourth trying to think of reasons why you still wanted me back.
When I did return, the memory of your arms wrapped around me continues to haunt me.

I get lost in my thoughts trying to figure out which one of my mistakes disappointed you the most
The sad part is, I don't think I've made any mistakes that hurt you any less than the other.
But I'm now standing at 21, praying to get more than another 21 years with you to make it up.
I may not turn out to be the daughter you always wanted,
But I will remind you every day that your existence means more to me than mines does.
I'm sorry mama.

- Benita Paloja

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A powerful story written.
"But I'm now standing at 21, praying to get more than another 21 years with you to make it up.
I may not turn out to be the daughter you always wanted,
But I will remind you every day that your existence means more to me than mines does.
I'm sorry mama."
The above lines. True for the most of us. We feel we didn't accomplish enough. Thank you Benita for sharing the amazing story.
Coyote

[Dave]

My God what a powerful piece! Despite my tears I loved it. I'm so glad that you chose to share this with us.

[Benita Paloja]

Thank you so much for reading!

[XO Vee]

This piece has pulled on my heart strings! I'm in love with this poem, it shows the truth behind closed doors and how things you saw then and what you see now make you realize everything. Good work! Thank you for sharing !

[Benita Paloja]

I'm happy you enjoyed readying, thank you!