Emotional Fixation

When someone tells you you’re worthless do you believe them? It would be easy to shrug it off and brush it away if that was the only time they said it, just that once. Now what if they told you that multiple times a day it would be a little bit harder to ignore wouldn’t it? But what if they did it multiple times a day every day…. you wouldn’t feel so good would you and you would start to believe all their lies and stories.

It would be hard, wouldn’t it? But you don’t know that do you, you don’t know what it feels like?

You don’t know what it’s like to walk on glass, to feel each shard penetrate your skin while you try to hold back all the screams and tears. Do you know what it’s like to always be afraid? Do you remember that fear every child has, that fear of the dark? The fear of the monsters under the bed, behind doors and in our closets. What if they never went away, what if they were always there. Because mine were. But they weren’t under my bed, behind the door or even in my closet…. They were just down the hall in another room sleeping peacefully in their well-furnished room compared to the bareness of mine.

You don’t get it, do you? When did “I’m Scared” become a joke to you, when did Anxiety become some contagious disease that everyone feared. 

Did you know that unless someone has proof no-one can save you? Unless there are bruises no one will believe you. Do you know what it feels like when people see you as a pathological liar because they don’t want to believe the stories you tell because it means there is bad people in the world. Imagine having no say or choice. Where everything is chosen for you.

How you look, what classes you are in, even your friends? Could you, do it? Doesn’t that seem wrong?

Am I just being unreasonable? Is that mental hospital the right choice? Do you believe them, but not the child? Of course, because they have you convince that she has a mental disorder that she’s has problems only to be cured by pharmaceutical drugs.

When did pretending not to have emotions become right? When did nodding your head and smile become a routine to survive, mine started when I was 3.

When did it become okay? But you turn and walk away. A bystander at best, who’s best skill is turning a blind eye to the one who needs help the most.

Why won’t you fight back? What are you scared of? When you preach all the rights and wrong of it but do NOTHING to stop it. Doesn’t that make you a hypocrite, a fraud? You don’t practice what you preach, otherwise I would have been saved a long time ago not to continue through this misery and hell that you claim to be a perfect life because the Adults said so. What if they were wrong? What if they lied? You had seen my ribs when shirt rode too high from raising my arms, the shirt that was 2 sizes too small and the pants a size too big.

Was I just a “stupid” child, no I wasn’t…. I was broken. Because once you left, once you all left…. the masks got put away. But you saw accidentally and walked away never to show your face again.

Why did this become okay? You don’t know what it is like.

If you did, you’d know what real tears are and what real fear is. When death and physical pain is the best wish you can make then you’ll know what it’s like…. Then tell me?

Do you still think it is okay?