True beauty

I wondered if the thought had appeared only distant to me…we went too fast, we were too young. I sit alone, once again, as the tears of the sky drench me into my nightmare. That song on the radio plays once again…it was the perfect dream. Never yours, never mine…but ours. The one that had created us. Once again, I clenched my fist and punched the wall…The wall shed tears and cried like the sky…my knuckles drenched in endless hope. I looked at her picture once more, she was gone. The distance had only set us further apart…Life was not as great as it had appeared to me. Love became just some word again.

I stood up and walked up the stairs back into the lonely and broken stone castle…The king was left once again with out his queen. What good is a castle of dreams and hopes? When she was all that had ever mattered to me.

A man like me, so tuff and yet so strong. Untouchable, and fearless. Became, the small mouse that feared every step it takes. Despised by all, yet longing for a better day…The world was bigger then me, and I? I was stuck living in it.

Memories don’t ever just get lost, they stain like permanent marker on white sheets. I woke up that next day in my king sized bed, so much room yet for such a little man. Hopeless, in my own greed I sunk into it and the world just seemed to disappear around me. I opened my eyes, as the sun hit they began to shine. The tears still poured out from my eyes, how was it physically possible for me to cry all night and still have so many tears to shed?

Iran my hands through my hair, and looked at myself in the mirror. The more I starred, the more I seen the monster that made me… I felt angered. That boy looking back at me, was not me. I once, had perfect blonde hair. Blue eyes, that could make anyone feel innocent as soon as I looked them in the eyes. I had a smile…that felt like the touch of an angel. I was a model, I was fit and every girl wanted me. Now, I was weak, and my eyes…had faded. My skin was pale as snow, I am Italian. I was used to always being tanned, now I seen myself at a dying state. My bones clawed to escape from me, even they didn’t want to put up with the ugliness that consumed me. They always told me beauty is what everyone sees…Beauty is nothing but a mistatment.

I angered myself even more through my thoughts. I looked at my hands, my fingers were weak and cut up from many things that�"-I lost my breathe. I paced back and fourth faster and faster more and more frustrated. BAM! … I watched as the shatters of the image of me crumbled down. I seen a million pieces of people looking at me, but none of them was me. I looked back up enraged, while the blood on my knuckles came pouring out screaming for hope , ‘MAAAYYYAAAA.’ I screamed. I looked one last time at what was left of the mirror, I fell into deeper thoughts. No matter all the ugliness on the outside I came to understand what was missing…her.

What is a puzzle without all the pieces? A song without meaning? A boy without a name… I became a label, a doll that would be admired by many. But the only one I wanted, was that one. Look at me? Im pathetic, I’m mooping around from day to day worried breathless if she will be okay. While she’s probably moved on from it all.

Just like the wind, she probably blew all our memories away into a deep kaliedescope ocean of endless emotions. I didn’t know how to appreciate what I had, I was arrogant and rude. I was the ‘bad boy’ on every magazine cover. Every girl would drool over me, they fan girled over me like I was some sort of celebrity. Then again, back then I mean look at me? I was hot, I don’t blame them. I though love was the amount of people that notice you, I strived for attention… it was all I ever knew.

I played with Maya like she was my toy, my puppet that I could just control however I liked. I used her when I felt lonely, and when days got ruff… cigarettes kept me skinny and took every painful memory away. The smoke made every bad thought turn beautiful and just drift away, every disgusting detail about me just sored away in that cloud of anticipated confusion. Usually, when I finished smoking one cigarette out of the mist she would appear.

Like always, her beauty would stun me. Her ash blonde hair would be always slightly messy and lightly curled. It would drift off into the wind moving restlessly with every step she’d take. Her eyes, would shine from so far away like two diamonds and that smile. Tooth paste commercials didn’t have models with such smiles like her. Her curvy figure would always be defined no matter what she wore, her style was the cutest thing to me. That walk though… she never modeled but she sure knew how to work with what she had. In my opinion, she may have been just a slight bit worst at modeling then me. Then again, I was perfect so who could beat me at what I did best?

Chapter 2
‘older children’

Silence wrapped around me once again. My dog, I mean…our dog, Chico came to sit down my my leg on the couch. At least he still loved me, I looked him in his eyes. I could tell even he wasn’t my biggest fan. I picked him up and hugged him, I haven’t had a true hug from anyone in so long…

Both my parents had died when I was younger. My dad died serving in the war since he couldn’t go to school to get a degree, my mom was pregnant with me and they needed money fast. In the end, he did support my mom well. But sadly, as soon as my mom was in the hospital giving birth to me my dad was told on the battle fields of Afghanistan that my mom had come into labour. From excitement he dropped everything and went straight to the helicopter to be by her side through this ruff time. My father really loved my mother and would do anything to be there for her. As soon as he was a step away from the helicopter…an underground explosive blew up distroying the helicopter and killing my father. The news had reached my mother the next morning. She was in such a ruff state that she could barely even hold me, the doctors started to worry and decided it would be best if I stayed in hospital under the care of the nurses until my mother was able to take care of me.

Many weeks had passed, I was all alone. My mother, was in such a terrible state that she got majorly sick. For the next few months she wasn’t eating properly, she could barely even move to use the washroom. She was speechless, many thought she was possesed. While others suggested she was depressed. If only I was older at the time, I would’ve helped her out through everything. A year had passed, the doctors could not keep me in the hospital any longer so they put me in the hands of the church. The sisters had mainly raised me through most of my childhood. I didn’t even know that I had a mother or a father until I reached the age of six.

Everyday, I would watch all the other children leave with these much bigger looking children. They looked older, and some were scary. They called these older children ‘mom’ and ‘dad,’ what did that even mean? Once the children reached a certain age, they left the daycare and never came back. I learned all I had ever known from the sisters, but in the end… I just wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted a pair of those ‘older children’ too, I was quite sure I had some…I think the reason I grew up to be the way I am was because of the neglect and discomfort I had lived as a child. When you are stuck watching the world from afar having fun, and all you can do is hope that maybe one day things will change…it changes you. I never fully understood who I was, I couldn’t find who I was. I’m still lost on who I want to be until this day, maybe it was the lack of a man figure in my life? Or the distance I was faced with from the big world.

One day, when I was playing with all the other children a ‘older child’ with long blonde hair and gorgeous blue majestic eyes walked in…She was beautiful and looked alittle like me. I loved her as soon as she walked in, she was different and I liked that. She made quite the impression, she entered and everyone froze to stop and stare at her. Her laugh was sweet like honey, and her smile could make you re-think everything you just said. She looked at me with a simple look and out of no where she looked back at one of the sisters. They gave her a nod, as soon as she turned back to face me diamond tear rolled down her flawless face. Her eyes changed into a joyous light green, and her smile was bigger then her whole face. She ran up to me and picked me up into her arms spinning me around, lifting me up above her. She held me close and giggled like some of the girls did here in the daycare when new barbie dolls had arrived.

Then she paused, my whole world seemed to fade into focusing in only on her. Her face got really pale…tears rushed to her delicate eyes. I hugged her close, and asked her what was wrong. As soon as I spoke she teared up even more… She started to breath harder, and her balance seemed to be swaying back and fourth. I don’t think she was doing the hockey pokey…I leaned in towards her and grabbed the tips of her fingers to hold her. It appeared the closer I got, the more pain she appeared to be in… I hurt her. I ran away into a corner and burried my face into my legs, I began to cry. I heard all the children talking and laughing at me, what did I do wrong?

Then, all of a sudden,” UUUHHHHHHH!!!!!” that gasp…I will never forget, people screaming and children crying. My whole world spinned into a dillusion of rentless hope. It was like a tornado came down on her and took her away. Just like the wind blew it all away from me. I looked up, she was on the ground, the sisters looked terrified. One of them was using some thing to call for help, she held it up to her ear and yelled ,”HELP HELP HELP!!!!.”

I ran to the beautiful ‘older child’ I looked into her sparkling eyes…she tried to move her lips, but no words came out. She took my head and held it to her chest, and started to pat my head. The closer to me she got the more she cried… I felt bad, but I needed her. I wanted her to be there for me, she was so much like me…I could see it in her eyes.

After holding her in my arms for a few mintues, she seemed to be getting very cold and calm. She was becoming very stiff, and her skin color was fading. Ive never seen someone acting like this, a few strange men walked in and tapped my shoulder asking me to move away from the women…For some reason, I didn’t want to go. He pulled me off and away from her, then handed me to one of the sisters. I watched as they strapped that women onto a bed looking thing with wheels. They then pulled her away into a box looking car with these cool flashing lights. After a few minutes, they were gona and so was the women.

I looked up at the sister and struggled to get out of her arms. The more I tried, the closer she held me, she was trying to calm me down but I had far too many questions to ask. One of the sisters was crying, while another was praying the rosary…Everyone seemed confused, the children looked terrified. The sisters ended up getting all the older children to come to get their kids, then all the people started to leave the daycare. One child was waiting, he was the last to leave. I sat down beside him and tried to talk to him… he just ignored me. I was so angry with myself, no one ever talked to me. What was wrong with me?… He then looked over at me and said the words that hurt me the most, “No wonder your mother and father abandoned you.” I couldn’t understand much but I had a feeling I knew exactly what he was talking about. I think that was the name for those older children, I wasn’t quite sure though. Then the thoughts troubled me even more, why did that women act like she did? If she was really my ‘mother’ or ‘father’ why did I make her cry and get hurt?…Maybe I am a bad kid…

The sky cried hard that day, that was one of the hardest days of my life. It rained long after that whole week, the children had not come to the daycare for a long time and that beautiful ‘older child’ or … ‘mother/ father’ had not come either. All because of me. I break everything, no wonder I am so lonely.

I walked up to a sister that was laying down on a bed, and asked her who that ‘older child’ was… She gazed at me mysteriously and deeply. Her eyes focused in mine for a very long time… she went silent, then looked down at the ground. She figeted with her fingers nervously and bit her lip. I asked her if she was okay, she just told me that I should get some rest. She picked me up into her arms and rocked me back and fourth calmly while walking. We got to my bed where she placed me lightly, she kissed my forehead and sang the sweet song like she did every night…’Break all the fears, take me away. To whatever place you take me today… I will be thankfull I’m alive, I wont ever doubt that you’re not by my side. I love you always and forever now. Keep our family safe, you’re our only treasure now. You bring the distance closer between your mother and me. Im in heaven, but im always with you in your dreams. I sing this song, your lullaby. You were made for a reason, stay strong for you and i…’

I woke up that next morning to loud sobbing, and the sad echoe of tears running through the room. I slowly picked my self up, what could go worst? The world couldn’t fall anymore further on my shoulders…right? I scanned the room up and down, but yet I could not find anyone. Slowly, I moved my legs to hang out on the side of my bed and lifted the weight of the world off of me. I foced my face to let out a smile, put my slippers on and went to find who was sobbing. I slowly walked, then a thought came into my mind…What if that was that ‘older child?’ I jolted towards the exit looking drastically for her, instead I came to find the sisters all in tears. I ran up to them and stood in the middle of all of them. I questioned what had happened, they all looked at me in terror. They grabbed me by my hand and led me to a table.
They all took turns talking to me, I found out a lot that day…

I found out the story of my father, and how he was a soldier. I also found out how he had died, and about my mothers labour and weird actions. Turns out I was right, that beautiful ‘older child’ was my mother. She cried and acted the way she did because I had reminded her a lot of my father as a kid. Turns out I look just like an angel, since that’s what my daddy is now. That lullaby that sister always sang to me, was from the last letter that my dad had sent to my mom before she gave birth to me. It was supposed to be sang to me first by her from my dad, unfortuantly the letter did not come in time. I found out why I had lived with the sisters and why I was so different… I questioned why my mother had abandoned me if she was still alive, turns out she needed to get phyiscally and mentally healthy. My fathers death had caused major damage to my mothers brain and anything that had reminded her of my dad had made her break down.

For a eight year old boy, that was a lot to take in but in the end it had made me stronger. That night, I was taken by the sisters to this huge building. It was such a confusing place, it had its good side and its bad side. People were in matching dresses there, most of them were way older then mothers and fathers. Some drove on these chairs with wheels while others walked with sticks under their arms. There were a lot of those beds with straps and wheels everywhere, I looked at the sister and asked her where are we…she called it a ‘hospital.’ This word was so foreign to me at the time I was so confused. After walking for a while up stairs and past many rooms, we reached a door way. There were a few people already there all dressed in black, they looked very sad.

As soon as I took a step into the room, everyone walked out. I began to get scared of what I may see behind the white curtain… I walked slowly, once again all alone. Terrified I opened it really fast…and there she was. My beautiful mother, graceful and at peace. She was sleeping I think, I shook her lightly…she didn’t wake up. Maybe I wasn’t shaking hard enough? I tried once again harder, after a few minutes I came to see that she was not sleeping…She was cold and very stiff, my mother was dead.

I fell to my knees crying, every little thought destroying me, knowing that I was all alone hurt me. I was more scared then ever, what was to become of me? What was there left of me… I was lost.

The sister came to me and picked me up into her arms, I was crying drastically. I cried so hard that I was beginning to lose my breathe. I was heart broken and terrified. I didn’t even know what her name was, we didn’t even speak. She just looked at me, hugged me and held me lose. I pretty much died in her arms…

Dark thoughts, and many twisted fates always are awakened in this world. I find myself lost in a conception of faith and yet distrust. I walked down the empty stones of shiny black reflecting the image of me…As if they were calling me to say that I am next, the weirdest thoughts had run through my mind at that moment. I was so lost. I looked at that big box of shiny wood that my mother had been sleeping in. They were butting her onto and metal stand above a hole? Why were they putting her in a hole? NO! I screamed as they lowered her into the ground, I threw myself at the man lowering the casket screaming for him to not steal my mother away from me. He made a sister hold me and continued lowering the wooden box. I cried so hard screaming terrified for my mother hoping she would escape and come too me to say she is okay. Unfortunately, that did not happen… MOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!! I yelled one last time. But even in that small distance I knew my mother was gone, I loved her yet I barely met her. It was so hard to say good-bye. She was a beautiful angel, my angel and I was going to stay strong for her to make her proud.

Chapter 3
Maya

I walked away that day with a new view on my life, I understood why god put me here. I still remember all of this until today. It was all a lesson in life I needed it especially now. I knew I had to make a difference with Maya. If I could’ve made a change and saved my parents I would, but that time I couldn’t . Today God blessed me with a chance, Maya was still alive…at least I thought so. I was so caught up in my hurricane of misery that I forgot to check up on her.

Chico wiggled out of my arms and ran away. I looked in the mirror and my life flashed before my eyes, I needed to change fast before I hurt someone seriously. I ran for the phone, many thoughts scavaged through my mind but what mattered most was Maya. My phone was blown up from having 50 girls texting me, plus the model agencies were constantly trying to reach me…I’ve only left my phone alone for a day. I was a mess, I picked up the phone and dialed out the only number I could remember.

The phone rang and rang…it seemed like Maya wouldn’t answer. I thought we were supposed to stay friends? She couldn’t have still been mad, could she? I called once more…and more….and more… ‘Hello, you have reached Maya! I am not by the phone right now but hey leave me a message I will get to you when I can kay? Peace” That was the only sound of her voice that I could here for now, and even after the 20 other times I called her. Where was Maya? I began to really worry, what if she was hurt?

‘How did we get here? I lost every piece of me, shattered in the remenisce of hope. You could’ve at least kissed me good bye. I loved you, I STILL love you even though you stabbed me straight through my heart. Just like that, you became the cold knife that made me die. The murderer with a cold heart and eyes of stone. Do you see, what you do too me? I’m screaming don’t let me go, but you have the guts to tell me im not worth it…you leave me alone in the rain and cold. Yet, I still would crawl back on my knees with flowers like a lost puppy and tell you I love you. I hate that I love you, trust me I do. I hate you like I hate fat people, and looking ugly and not being the best. As much as I hate all those things, I hate you twice as much…but then I have your dark and cold shadow following every step I make. Then, when I have enough courage to attack you, you break me like a cookie. Watching every little piece of me crumble bit by bit, you stare me down with those peircing eyes and crush me into even more pieces. I don’t even know why I care for you anymore Maya, I really don’t I know I was wrong okay? I screwed up, I was hot, I had every girl okay. I get it. Here’s the truth, you made me realize exactly what I am without you. My beauty? It was you. You made my beautiful.’

I paused for a while waiting as if she would reply, then I noticed it was a voicemail. The words I dreaded most slipt out, ‘I miss you, come home to me. This is where you belong…in my arms.’ I hung up the phone, I hated myself so much. What was wrong with me, she was never going to come back.

I was a monster caught in my own scars. I was just pointing out all the things that I hated in myself in her…I’m hopeless. I fell back into that king sized bed once again. My bed was never going to feel the same again, what have I done? I buried myself into the bed hoping I could just hide myself from the world and never come out again. What was life anymore?

Chapter 4
Forget me

I used to sit, all alone on those school stairs. The boy who was never good enough, nameless. They would tell me I am unwanted, just because I had an accent and dressed differently…I was different. I wished there was a night that I could sleep in peace. Just a day when all of those rumours and mean words wouldn't be stabbing at my back.

I had no parents, I was abandoned and not good enough to face the world. My smile screamed ‘save me’ my eyes lied saying ‘im okay’. There was this one girl, I do not know why I had admired her. She was like the Kim Kardashian of my time, she was popular for all the wrong reasons yet, I never met her but for some reason I had fallen inlove with her since the day I first saw her. She had gorgeous blonde hair, the most amazing curves and a pearl white smile. That girl was white, but the features on her made you reconsider everything you could possibly assume. When she walked, everybody would drop everything and turn around just to even touch her. That was like touching pure gold.

On the second day of school, she smiled at me. Then! A week later, she stole my math homework. I did not mind, because it was her…and I loved her. Well, at that time I thought I did. She was fearless and attractive like a tiger. Sweet and tempting on the outside but dark and sharp on the inside. If she didn't like you, she made sure that you knew very well. She was one person you did not want to mess with.

I had no friends, I never felt the comfort of one until I met Maya. We met one day at a football game, yeah I know what you’re thinking, he played football? No, actually I didn’t. I was sitting there watching this girl who I thought was absolutely gorgeous, she was on the cheerleading team. Blonde haired, the smile I adored and those eyes. I wanted her so bad, I was inlove with her from the moment I first saw her. My, 'Kim kardashian.' I for the first time in my life was ugly. I had no money to make myself look good, no wonder nobody liked me.

As I watched that flawless cheerleader I found my eyes scanning her body from top to bottom, I was oblivious. But I wanted her so damn bad, she was hot. I got so lost in the thought of her that I didn’t notice someone walking by. The team had scored a point and I jumped up cheering, then I noticed I had hit someone behind me with my hand on the way up. I turned around to find a girl with extremly long and wild ash blonde hair bent down picking up everything I had just spilled. I couldn’t see her face but she seemed interesting to me at that time.

She stood up looking me dead in the eyes with those beautiful green eyes… Her shirt was all wet from the drink I had spilt well cheering. I felt terrible for her, she was not perfect but she was somebody at least...I tried to open my mouth, but no words came out. She stuttered but then managed to let out a sweet hello. Her voice…I never had heard something that beautiful.

I touched her hand, and she started blushing. I looked her in the eyes while holding her soft and delicate hands, I felt myself getting nervous but I liked it. She smiled and I let out a small smirk. I was proud of myself to get as far as I did with her. I slowly started walking while holding her hand. She followed me and I took her through the empty hallways leading away from the gym. As we walked through the dark hallways I seen the light following only her. I never seen her in my life before but I surely knew she was perfect already. Finally, after walking for a while we reached the darkest hallway in the school. I let go of her hand then put my arm around her to hug her so she wouldn't be scared. Then, I lead both of us to the right door to take her into my room. I snuck her into the empty room where I sat alone to eat lunch to avoid everyone.

I found some towel paper and started drying up her shirt. Little did I notice I was all up in her chest, and it was very awkward, I mean I liked it but I was worried about her I didn't want to come off to her as a pedophile. She giggled playful, I finally noticed how improper I was acting, I walked away embarrassed and I started to cry. Her face turned very pale, she came running to my side and comforted me telling me that it’s okay. In my mind I was happy but questioning how I managed to be so open and accepting to just her. I never was able to ever treat a girl like I treated her. I looked at her and noticed that there had been something very different about her. She was not like all the other girls, she seemed to be mysterious and not judgemental. I wanted her, I wanted to tell her everything, tell her every dream and just spend everyday with her.

I hugged her back, and I just sat there, admiring her in my mind. We both did not say a word to each other, we spent the whole game there in silence in our own wonderland. She was my rabbit, and I was Alice I guess? Or maybe it was the other way around? I technically brought her into my world and her curiosity to know me more brought her here with me in my arms right now. Although, my wonderland was not magestic….it was dark and empty. I was lost in my own world, how was that even possible?

All I knew was that when I had that stunning girl in my arms, I knew exactly what I wanted and needed in life. That was her, and I thought she wanted me too. I pulled her closer, but then I noticed she was sitting all wet in that shirt probably freezing since the room was so empty. I let her go slightly, then whisphered in her ear, ‘are you cold?’ She looked up at me nodding her head nervously.

Without thinking I stood up and held my hand out. I got her up on her feet, then I took her in my arms and held her close. She rested her head on my chest, I felt my face burning up like a flame, but I didn’t care I had the most beautiful girl in my arms. All that had mattered was her...

I found my hands moving down her body slowly, I followed her eyes to make sure she wasn't uncomfortable. The further I went I could see she didn’t seem to care. We were both eighteen at the time...at least that's what I thought. Thinking of it, I had never seen this girl until today...There were two sides to this situation, either she went to another school or was in a different grade from me. While the other side being that she for sure was not a teacher, therefore she could not have been older then me. I slowly reached the end of her back, then rested my hands on her for a bit.

Waiting cautiously, but yet feeling so restless inside I moved back and fourth as if we were dancing, surprisingly she followed....then stopped. I was scared I did something wrong...then I had notice she was getting out her iPod. All of a sudden she put one ear bud in my ear and the other in hers.

Next thing I knew she put on my favourite love song...Connor Maynard's cover of just the way you are... The words echoed through the halls and all there was, was a beautiful girl standing right in front of me. After a while of dancing Anths verse came on, "now, you're the kind of girl people said I'd never see. But baby you are perfect like a masterpiece. Pretty, pretty prom queen, sweeter then a sixteen. A dime so divine, you're one of a kind. But babe I will never do a thing to phase you, but god did his best work when he made you."

I took her and spun her around, then into my arms I held her there for a bit. Our feet moving back and fourth with eachother, her hair moving with every step we took. My hands laid on her waist, while her hips moved to the beat of the song. She laughed, and I smirked at her but then, the song came to slow down. I spun her slowly round, and round and round…. Then I caught her in my arms.

She looked me straight in the eyes, I looked back into hers...still holding her as if she was a million dollars. I looked down at her lips then tilted my head, then moved in slowly closer to hers…was this right? I felt so worried at the moment that I had messed up, but then. Surprisingly, she moved in too I seen her eyes close softly like an angel…and in less then a second our lips met. The pure sweetness of perfection and love, I loved her I knew it.

I kissed her for about a good seven seconds I would say, then...shockingly she kissed me again and again. It went back and fourth like that for a while, it was getting playful in the most cutest sense there could possibly be... Then, out of no where she slipped her tongue and dragged it slowly across my teeth. I felt a part of me let go and lift up, I liked that so damn much. For a first kiss, I found this too be the most amazing one ever. I pulled her closer then bit her lip as soon as she took her tongue out. Then, she got feisty I would say...

She pulled me my by shirt right beside her, I could smell her sweet perfume and could taste her luscious lips. I wanted her so bad, she was starting to turn me on... I grabbed her hips and pulled them up against mine. She jumped up, I caught her. Then, she wrapped her legs around my waist and kissed me more intensely. I pushed her up against the wall, then stopped and looked her in the eyes... Before she could do a thing, I caressed her neck with kisses up to her ear lightly. As soon as I got to her ear I whispered, 'I like you.' Then licked her neck lightly and bit it just enough to be rough and cute, but to be dangerous and intense as well.

I put her down, then she starred me dead in the eyes and smirked. 'I like you,' she said in the hottest voice ever imaginable. Things seemed to be moving faster then I expected. I moved my hands down to the bottom of her shirt grabbing the tips looking her straight in the eyes. I slowly moved up, higher and higher still watching her eyes to be safe . She was fearless and ready. I got to her bra and took her shirt off fully.

Sooner then anyone could tell, we were on the floor making sweet love. I climbed on top of her like an animal ready to attack, I grabbed her hips and kissed her all over her body. Just like that, she stopped me and rolled me over. She paused, then made her body move sensationally like a wave, she made me so weak. I wanted her so bad. But I still kept my distance, just to be safe…

After a few hours, I ended up with most beautiful girl laying on my chest in my arms. She looked very cold, so I grabbed my shirt off of my back and put it on her delicately to not wake her up, then kissed her forehead softly. It was late past eight, and the school was closed. I was all alone with this beautiful girl until the morning.

The next morning, I woke up to someones nail tips dragging across my abs. I looked down to find it was that girl, I hid my abs from everyone cause I didn’t want attention. Why would I want any? After all I was far too ugly for anyone to like me...but then again, this girl did. She was the first to see them, and from what I saw she seemed impressed and intrigued by them. As she played with my abs I stroked her back lightly, then lightly dragged my hands through her hair.

I kissed her on the lips, and she held me close like a teddy bear. We sat there lost in our own thoughts cuddling for a good few hours. It was five when we woke, and by the time we got the courage to talk it was about six-thirty.

Then, I finally got the strength to ask her what was her name… She looked at me, her eyes changed color…they were greenish blue at night and now hazel. She looked like that girl from twilight, but this version was way better then Bella swan herself. I looked deep into her eyes, I was surprised she wasn’t creeped out. I noticed my self gazing off and losing focus. I was so emotionally intrigued in her aspiration of beauty. For the first time in my life, that was the moment that the true definition of beauty had been defined in my life. She was not perfect, but she had the personality, and that special way of understanding me that I had adored. We were the same people in two different bodies, I thought that was the best thing ever imaginable... That day she was the model, and I was the ugly boy who was way out of her league....then again, it seemed like that boy had become me once again even now. I shook my head then looked at her eyes again, then at her lips. She smiled then slowly said, “my name is Maya.”

As soon as she said those words, our conversations were endless, and we were inlove. Since that day I made my first friend. I also came to find that the only reason I like the blondie on the cheerleading squad was for her looks. I never talked to her in real life or even knew her name…well Maya? We met by accident and it was a good accident. I guess I would let time pass and meet her better…She seemed perfect, at least too me. All I knew was I wanted her to be mine, and that I was going to do as soon as I felt it was right…

But for now I sat there, waiting for the day to never end. I found the meaning of life again, and my guardian angel. She saved me, and created me. From this day there was a lot a head of us yet too come. Until then, I was going to sit here, and kiss her. Make her laugh, like never before and make her feel wanted.

'What if?'
Chapter 4

So there it was, the explanation of how I met my sweetest dream...or so how it had started. I looked back down at that mindless piece of metal I called me phone, seeing not one message from her. I hated the feeling, it drenched me in a lost channel of disgust. It was like I was being ignored, but by my own self...because she was me and me was us...and us was, beauty. All words aside, the more I thought the more I had seen what fear lurked behind me. Each fear adding a link to the endless chain of mistakes I made.

What is a man, if he can't treat his women right? Worthless. I knew that first hand, no matter how big my biceps were, how defined my abs appeared, or how starry my eyes were. I was worth the same as anyone, that man who was poor and had nothing was worth a million more then me any day.

What was I? Stupid, and lonely but yet I had a body....that seemed to be all I had. Even that was collapsing on me, my bones just crawled deeper into me you run away from who I was becoming. Going no where fast, this was the end of my climax. Why do we feel it's okay to just....push away those that we love? What even was love? It's undefinable, you did your best and I thought it was never enough. Little did you know, you were always better then me, maybe it's just better if I let her go?

I need her though....have you ever felt that pain that you just could not take. No matter the days that pass, or even what had happened it could never escape your memory? There are so many moments when I would cry to sleep, what is life...I rather die instead...every day is just more pain to drain every song in my brain. Hoping and longing it will never be the same if I can never hear her voice again. She made me like this, I started to hate her...but I hated myself more. It was my fault she left me after all she's been through. I don't blame her, I would've left too. Who even was I anymore?

I looked out onto that field of flowers, through my window it looked like a painting drawn...so perfect. The flowers swayed from side to side, like her dress and hair that night. As we danced under those stars, and danced under the lights of the moon. Just us, this was where she found me that one day. This was where I felt safe and at home, in this field in her arms.

On the last day of grade eleven my darkest secrets came out to Maya as I cried my eyes out in her arms that night. I told her everything, the hatred, my lack of family, why i was the way I was. I was an outcast; dressed too differently, not popular, unloved, and too ugly by the ways of society. Society said no, when I said yes. I became the last of my kind. Too different for the world to accept, what is the greatness of being unique when nobody understands me? The harder I tried, the further I fell.

For my passion of style, looking great and taking care of myself I was labelled as, 'gay.' For my fear of words, I was labelled as a ,'loser' just cause I knew how badly words hurt me. For seeing people for who they were and not judging by their appearance I was labelled as, 'not good enough' and 'unpopular.' I've heard it all, there still was much more to be said. But what good is it to think back to the pain of yesterday?

Words, are the reason this world is so corrupt, and me? Just a product of society, controlled, commercialized and idolized for my looks. Call it a curse, beauty is a blessing that makes you bring out the worst in you. It makes you feel power, but in the end who really is controlling you? The thoughts? The fame? Or what you let yourself believe? Life Is not a fairy tale, but an undefinable dream.

I bet you never would've guessed, but at one point my way of deserting all this pain that haunted me was to run. I ran, from what cursed my mind. But little did I know, the further I ran, the closer I got to discovering who I was supposed to be.

One day, I bruised all my ribs and was placed in the hospital for days because of my constant struggle for air. The pain I faced every day made me feel safe, it wrapped me up in a soft blanket that took me further away into the place that hid me far away from all the fear.

That day in the field, I showed Maya the amount of endless scars on my wrist. They entangled me and made me feel better. When someone has so much pain, and has no way to make it all go away what is there left to do? She cried and held me tight, she was so mad at me I could see it in her eyes...the dark shadow of disgust followed me everywhere. I told here I was leaving that night...I kissed her and told her I loved her. But before I could even do a thing, she pulled me down to the ground on the field.

She looked at me with those crystal tears all over her eyes and screamed out the words I can never forget, 'I LOVE YOU!!!!, and If you leave me this night...expect to see me there right by your side. I love just who you are, I won't ever try to change it. If you think you're not perfect, then baby you don't know me. I've loved you ever since I first seen you. Remember that first night? Cause right know I do, I know you and you're better then this. To me, you're gorgeous and you matter to me.'

That moment, was the moment I had realized she was that one. Instead of leaving me in pain or agreeing she told me the right things to change my mind. She was beauty, and i needed her. I cried the moment she said that all then grabbed her tiny waist and pulled her into me. I stroked her hair then told her the words that changed my life forever, 'if I can't see the beauty to life without you by my side. It obviously means I need you to be mine...Maya, would you be the best thing that had ever happened to me?'

That day marked the beginning of a new life for me. We started seeing each other more often then usual, she made me confident and stronger. Moments with her meant most to me, and with her...I found a place to call home. She was my family, and I promised myself that no matter what had happened I'd be there for her just like she was there for me. I grew protective over her, I wanted to be only hers....every other girl just seemed to disappear to me.

One night, I seen the biggest fashion stylist were coming to my city. I called Maya that day excited to tell her about it. She appeared anxious about it too, then...she told me I should try it out. Was I good enough to be a model? Maya wanted me to try it, I knew every brand name and I did love style...it was the one place where I could expand my views and be original without any judgment. I could create my own line of style if I was good enough, then I could show everyone who ever judged me that they were wrong.

I checked the audition dates, and decided what I was going to do with my hair and the style I wanted the world to see...maybe this could bring change. I could finally define me...if only, what if I made the world see who I was? What if...

Chapter 5
'Perfection'

As days went by, I stayed and practised with Maya everything I needed to know. Expressions, definition, vibrancy and originality. I started off simple, then kept it more detailed. I needed to stand out and yet be me, how do you be something else yet still stay true to who you are? I had a lot to learn, yet... As I watched Maya I came to see that she was a natural at the aesthetics of style. She was intriguing, sexy and just bold. She had the body language to make you understand every word she wanted to say with just one movement. I needed to become her, she was seduction and I found that sexy.

We practised a long time that night, she lit her room just for me differently to let me figure out how to work with light and create the right effects as I moved with my body. She taught me how to work with my walk, and what I needed to do to express emotions just through simple gestures. The more I seen her modelling, I wanted her more... Guys will be guys but the amount of temptations she was making me crave was phenomenal...

I ran up behind her softly then grabbed her hips, I pulled her in firmly and slid my hands down to grab her bum. I pressed hard and knit her neck lightly. I slowly slid my tongue up her neck and caressed her neck with soft yet fierce kisses. I whispered in her ear, 'why don't we model love?' She looked at me fiercely then pushed me down under her and said, 'let me show you how it's done.' She pinned me down, then moved her body up me like a electric wave...this was becoming fierce and hot. I didn't think Maya had such ways to work her hips so nicely. I slowly slid my hands down the side of her ribs and lower and lower. Until I reached the top of her leggings.

I slowly pulled them down, then I picked her up and put her down roughly on the bed. I spread her legs wide open across the bed, then I slowly pulled down my pants and pulled off my shirt. She looked at me amazed, then like a tiger I attacked her. I jumped onto her then made out with her hardcore, she pulled me in closer on her and grabbed my hands towards the tip of her shirt. I grabbed the ends and pulled it off of her slowly kissing her as I took it off slowly I played with her a bit and felt her body every where. Then slowly....I grabbed him and placed him in her, she seemed nervous it must've been her first time.

I moved in and out slowly getting faster and faster each time. This was it, I was gonna do this right, and so...the night continued on and on....and on.

The next morning, I woke up naked next to the most gorgeous model I ever knew. I smiled then kissed her, I pulled her in...feeling her body pressed up against mine. I went to the kitchen and grabbed her the breakfast I made her. She smiled then kissed me softly but then placed it by her bed and pulled me on top of her and slowly kissed me over and over again, leading me into her sweet hypnotic fantasy. Kissing me harder and harder wrapping her legs around me and working her body all over me. She was so hot, I loved her more then anyone on this earth. What could've been better?

After she ate her breakfast, she kissed me then dressed me up from top to bottom. She did my hair and made me look stunning, she got dressed like a super model and drove me to the model show. I still couldn't get over what had happened last night it was the best first time with the perfect girl. As we drove closer she looked at me with those gorgeous water blue eyes and told me things to make me inspired. I just smiled even though all I could think about was her. The last thing she told me before that show that day was, 'I love and believe in you, make me proud I will be cheering for you.' I kissed my sweet angel, then opened the door of the car...but I found myself coming in once more to kiss her again and again.

After the light make out I told hers she's gorgeous and i love her and left. I walked out into the huge studio, all white and perfect. People were all over the place,but I was ready. I had the inspiration and the perfect girl I was so ready for this. All I needed to do was find my focus. This was my chance and I needed it. I looked around and all that went through my mind was 'perfection.' I've never see so many flawless people, I was amazed and slightly scared but I had something no one had.

"I'm unique, undefinable and ecstatic. I adore expanding my views and trying new things. Modelling is my focus and I love just starting trends and aspiring my own style sense. I believe that my professionalism will lead me far into success in modelling. I am looking to achieve a stating point to my success in this career and show everyone what I have to model and offer. I want to create a fingerprint of my own in this world and maybe one day aspire to become a creator of design and fashion." As i said that to the women at the front desk she looked at me in awe. She answered in the simplest way imaginable, 'are you sure you are perfection?' I nodded and took my papers, then went to the back room to prepare myself. This was it.