even these words arent expressing all the pain.

just an attempt to pour out my pain.

I thought we had it this time. I thought you meant what you told me. Was it all a game? Were you trying to see how far I could fall for you? Well I guess you won. I was played yet again and though I should be used to it, should have expected it, its tearing me apart more than you'll ever know. I have no one to blame but myself. I should’ve seen past the smiles, the words, the memories and the pain. I don't understand why this is hurting so much. This isn't the first time you've left me in dark to go to her. I guess you have what you want-doesn't matter how much I hurt, how many tears I cry. You're gone, and I need to accept it. I need to tear myself away from you. I can't do this to myself anymore-it'll kill me eventually. I guess I'll never know or understand WHY I thought we could have something. You were different. You were someone special. You were always there for me when no one was. But now I need someone to comfort me, help me get over you. Somewhere deep down, I think I loved you and that's why it hurts so much. After all this hurt, the suffering and the drowning tears I still can't let you go. There's something in my heart that won't let me. But what? Why do I hold on to the one that hurts me the most? I wish I could say I'm done with you, it doesn’t hurt me. But I can't. You love HER. Not me. You have a life with her. You created life with her. Why did I ever think for one second that we could have something when you have her? I do this all the time-set myself up for heartbreak. I wish I was stone. Didn't feel any pain. Didn't care if I was dumped. You know what's ridiculous...I can still feel you. I still remember every day I spent with you. I remember how we started talking. All the stupid s**t we did and said. I still feel your kiss. Your body pressed on mine. I started to like you more than I planned. From the beginning I knew this was gonna happen. I knew I was gonna get hurt. But once we started talking, something felt completely different. Once the feeling got unbearably strong I took the jump. At first you were there to catch me. Then you left. I jumped again and fell. It was suicide. Why can't I have what she has? You.