Reflections of my writer self

A Story by O'Musings

Reflections of my writer self

For years people have been imploring me to write a book about my life. I entertained and romanced with the thought of becoming a successful published author for years. In fact I believe we became quite intimate, however it was short volatile love affair that left me empty, hungry and wanting. I was too young and raw to understand the complexity of my dreams needs and the sustained energy and focus that was needed to sate it's appetite.

I never truly allowed my dreams to come to fruition. I often danced around the subject, gazing tenderly into it's alluring web. However I could never motivate myself to move beyond the dreamer stage. I could never fully embrace the action stage or the doing stage, I simply remained a unfulfilled dreamer with nothing to show but an aching heart and empty dreams.

Perhaps I did really feel or believe that I wasn't worthy or yet better still capable of success. Perhaps I was too afraid of failing or even worse too afraid of succeeding. Perhaps the countless years of having 'negative words and behaviours' drummed into me as a child, teenager and adult had crippled my sense of self belief? Perhaps the scar tissue of my life had left me unable to produce my dreams? maybe deep down I had taken ownership of not being worthy or capable of success? Perhaps it was safer to stand rooted in the stagnation of my own shadow? As I was unable to truly step away from the edge and learn to take to flight. By being fearful and showing a lack of courage I never got to see or test my wings. I know now that I would of been amazed at my own gifts, my own gracefulness and vulnerable beauty. I guess the time just wasn't quite ripe and I was still too raw and unripe to make my dreams come to fruition.

Have I wasted countless years? Have I lived a sheltered and vacuous life? A one dimensional unfulfilled life where I desperately clung on to the mundane for fear of drowning in the creative storms of life? Perhaps not!

Or have I been biding my time and experiencing life in all it's glory and mundaneness? Have I been treading the boards? , walking the hard miles and testing the waters so to speak? Could it possibly be that I have always been somewhat impatient and out of synch with what the Universe requires of me? Were those countless years actually a time for me to learn patience, humility and compassion? was I not simply a divine piece of fruit ripening upon the tree of life and the Universe had a plan and purpose for my life? I believe so!

Yes, perhaps we can exist on several planes and dimensions at the one time. Maybe the artists in me, the writer in me was at large laying dormant and only coming up to breathe when desperate for air? Perhaps intuitively other aspects of my being , aspects of my passions were being pursued, such as my raising my young children.

What I do know with 100% certainty is that my life's journey has been a colourful one. I have traversed the highest highs of great love and joys and felt the deepest darkest despair of loss, grief and life. I have existed within a paradox. I am both the caterpillar and the butterfly. My life has abundantly been blessed with incredible gifts, many of which have come packaged as incredible life challenges and heartache.

I'm now at a crossroads in my life. A crossroads where I truly know I'm needed to step away from life's sidelines. I need to step out into the full force of life's flow and pursue my deepest and wildest passions and goals. I have a deep seated passion to write and to share my musings. The desire to write comes from deep within my core. I feel the Universe has guided me to this point in my life where I am a perfect conduit of love, light and compassion. I have a deep desire to share this love and the Universe's messages through the written word.

I am a writer. I think and see the world through an artists eyes and heart. My life has been touched by incredible love and joy as well as the darker shadows of great loss, grief and sadness. My experiences have helped show me that my vulnerability and sensitivities are indeed my strengths. My ability to see the world and people somewhat left of centre is a gift. It is not something I need to quieten or gag. My ability to see the incredible beauty and lessons in nature and the Universe is something I wish to share. It is as though every step, every moment in my life has been for this doe purpose, this sole moment.

My life is a rich tapestry of colour, texture and meaning. I feel a calling to speak up and share my thoughts, visions and musings with others.