Befriending My Inner Goddess. The healing power of my inner child

My story of self-healing and self-discovery

Sadly, I've been one of the many people who felt trapped by life, lost amidst a sea of confusion, challenges and demands. I knew something had to change as I couldn't survive, let alone learn to thrive the way I was going. I had to stop! I had to learn to breathe deeply. I had to learn to trust and let go of the pains and fears that I had so desperately clung to, unawares that they were actually drowning me in a sea of confusion and indifference.

I had to regain my sense of self back. I had to find the light in the sea of darkness. I had to reconnect with my inner child and allow her to help me heal. I had to simply learn to just be. 

My journey through life has been fraught with sadness, loss and grief. Yet, similarly it has also been abundantly blessed with gifts of love, compassion, empathy and joy. It has been a journey of both dark and light. I think quite a lot of my early adulthood was simply trying to dance through the shadows. Attempting to avoid the roller coaster ride that had at times plagued my childhood and teenage life.

I have forgiven much, but still I remember. Those memories are like fine lines that have been etched upon my psyche. At times shaping my thoughts, intentions, actions and decisions. Sometimes in a positive way, whilst other times in a negative self-sabotaging way. 

My journey back into the light has been a story of learning how to fly again. It has been a journey in which I have been showered with incredible gifts. It is a story of remembering my truths. It has been a journey in to acceptance, healing & love. It is a journey of unpicking the seams of the often threadbare tapestry of my life and choosing to start again, choosing to reweave my life. 

My inner child is strong. She is both vulnerable and tenacious. She has the heart of a lioness and the capacity to withstand life's gale force winds. My inner child has helped my adult self heal. 

I stumbled upon an old photo of myself. The image is of me standing with three of my nine siblings. In the photo my eyes burn bright with the passions and curiosities of life and childhood. My generous mouth turned up in a self assured smile. I stood tall and seem to have had all the confidence and faith in the world. In that photo I looked unshakable although I had already endured great losses in my young life. 

The strain and heartache of loosing my dearest brother to a drowning death was not visible upon my face, nor was it concealed in the depths of my eyes. The burden of trying to help my parents deal with the grief of loosing their beloved son to a drowning death as well as the tragedy of watching their angelic daughter succumb to the monsters of encephalitis leaving her profoundly disabled in every sense of the word. My innocent smile in that photo bellies the fact that we were dealing with my oldest brothers worsening drug addiction and spiralling plummet into the depths of life on heroin. This image of me depicted a young vulnerable warrior. A warrior lighworker in training.

I was always different. I was the odd one out in a family of ten children. At times I felt like I was born into the wrong family as so often I felt like they just quite didn't get me. I found solace in my relationships with my amazing animal angel friends. I was blessed to have some incredible dogs that allowed me to unburden my thoughts and worries. I was also deeply connected to the spirit of my brother Mark who had passed away. I considered him as one of my guardian Angels both here on Earth as well as when he crossed over in spirit. I shared my deepest and most intimate thoughts with him. He was my constant companion. 

Sadly, I feel that I am not as close as we once were. Yet every so often when I seek out the healing energy of nature and I find myself walking through the dappled sunlight of a quiet and isolated forest I feel his presence. I know that he is walking at my side. I am especially aware of this when I find myself alone in the woods surrounded by butterflies. The sense of joy and love I have at these divine moments is immense. The dappled sunlight being filtered by the healing energy of the trees, the breeze gently picks up caressing my skin and out of the nowhere I can be surrounded by dozens of butterflies. It is as though the Universe is dancing a round me and I am being lovingly nurtured and caressed by Angels.

I've come to realise that my inner child, the gentle little child warrior trainee light-worker 'Mary' is still a huge part of my being. Several birthdays ago I was relaxing in a healing candlelit shower. As I washed my face I was struck with the realisation that this was the same face I knew as a child, albeit for the lines that marked the passing of time. I then gently and lovingly reacquainted myself with my face. My hands gently and lovingly felt the contours of my face. I closed my eyes and allowed my hands to think, feel, remember and see. It was a jubilant realisation. I was still that same person, I wasn't just Mary , I was the whole journey of Mary's since my birth, each step, each age all an integral part of my identity and being. My eyes the same eyes that saw the world as a small child. Granted, my world view had changed but overall it was an amazing light-bulb moment. 

A life changing moment of self-discovery and deeper healing. It was at that moment I was able to surrender and allow my inner infant, child, teenager and young adult the chance to heal and become friends with each other. This may sound a little odd, but I felt a calm acceptance of my complete self, acceptance of every step in my life, both the good and bad. 

I felt beautiful. I had finally made peace with myself. I was finally on the road to embracing and nurturing my inner Goddess. I knew then that I was a co-creator of my life and that I had the ability, desire and assurance to change the course of my life. The Universe was conspiring with me to allow abundance , joy and light to infiltrate my life. I needed the richly coloured tapestry of my life to become threadbare, it was from here that the light was able to touch my core and help awaken my sleeping spirit. 

Author's Note

ignore grammar problems, what do you think of the dialogue. I worte this a few years back and I know that I have developed as a writer since then, however my goal in posting this is to simply allow the beginning of my story to unfold.