Scars

Just dumping some thoughts

Look in from the outside,

What do you see?

Smiles and laughter,

But do you see me?

For I hide a story,

of sorrow and pain,

a heart that is scarred

and full of disdain

Behind my blue eyes,

my heart tells a story,

of heart ache and sorrow,

Its not one of glory. 

On the outside I smile,

I have a good life,

Children, a husband, 

But behind that is strife.

The life i've build up

through blood, sweat and tears

after being knocked down

for all of those years

My mind, now a battle ground 

between present and past

Bruises will fade 

but emotional scars last

Author's Note

just a rough mind dump written in 5 mins while the kids watch tv. will go over it and play with it when I have some time so any advice welcome

Reviews

[emipoemi]

Reviewing it and taking the time to play with it would be highly advisable for this. For it's not at all bad for a poem written in simply 5 minutes. Not bad at all. One note would be Stanza 3 reads exactly as Stanza 2 (with respect to what it's saying; the ideas it conveys). The last line of Stanza 4 kind of reiterates the same idea also, but in this case it's passable, but I would still suggest a revision here. Stanza 6 has a bit of musicality issues. Given it's the only stanza with such issues, 3 out of 4 of its lines having one syllable too many to satisfy the musicality is actually not bad. Now one syllable too many isn't bad either. Depending on how you read it, those syllables might not he noticed, however, after 5 stanzas of relatively smooth rhythm and musicality, I can almost guarantee the ear would pick up those extra syllables. Great start!

[Behind blue eyes]

thank you this is really helpful. I did think it was a bit repetitive myself so was thinking of removing 1 of the stanzas. will have a play with it and would love to hear your thoughts when I have

[Anjali]

Wow..... It's really beautiful and so true! The words you've chosen are just so mature, and I really admired it! A beautiful write, indeed!

[Behind blue eyes]

thanks you x

[Anjali]

You are welcome!

[Brittany Zedalis]

Writing is a brilliant way to release stress and emotions. It was one of the only things that kept me going after my mom and grandma died 2 months apart. I think this is great, especially with how fast you wrote it. :)

~Luna

[Neville]

Hey, rough mind dump maybe but the words fell in a cracking little pile & with no random or unexpected rough bits to jar the reader along his or her way. I am also thrilled to have been the first......All Good Things, N

[Behind blue eyes]

thanks! im not sure about the end so might have a play with it when I get chance. thanks for your lovely review x

[Neville]

My pleasure entirely & please do keep writing....