Prelude

Aria ran faster. The breath in her lounges wasn't enough, she could feel him gaining on her. She could make out trees flying past her, other than that, it was just darkness. The world as she knew it had changed in the blanket of darkness. The woods she had visited everyday since freshman year is unrecognizable. 

She heard a yell from behind her, had he fallen? Did he stop chasing her? She didn’t wait to find out. She pushed her legs faster and could see  blackness creeping around the edges of her vision, a sign that it won't be long until she passes out again. The remains of whatever he had used to drug her was still affecting her. 

She dodged a tree that came out of nowhere, seconds later she barely say the large branch sticking out of a tree, it was about four feet off the ground. She could hear him behind her again. Aria knew she didn't have time. She hit the ground at full speed and slid under the branch, rolled back onto her feet, and continued to run. She felt a small sting above her eye seconds before warm, sticky blood dripped into her eye. She cried out as it burned but did not stop running.

Aria heard another loud sound from behind her except this time it sounded like a thump and she assumed she didn't see the branch. She continued to stumble through the woods. She could barely see through her tunnel vision. Aria was about to give up and fall to the forest floor when she saw the faint glow of lights through the tree’s. Hope bloomed in her chest. She might actually survive. A new boot of adrenaline pushed her farther toward the lights. She saw the faint outline of a house or a cabin of sorts. The lights were porch lights. 

She was almost out of the tree line when she felt a heavy hand grab her arm and wrench her back into the cover of the woods and to the ground. It was him, he caught her. She screamed a loud horrible scream hoping that the person in the house might hear her. He panicked and kicked her in the stomach causing the scream to come to an abrupt stop. She kicked and scratched when his hands reached down to pull her back up.

“Stop! No no! Please! Let me GO!” She screamed and swept her feet under him making him fall. She will not let him take her back to that place. She stood up despite the pain in her ribs from where he kicked her. She turned to run again when he grabbed her ankle, she fell to the ground again. She screamed as he punched her in the face, blinding light exploded behind her eyes, but she refused to let one punch take her out. 

She elbowed him in the neck, he yelled and fell off her. She scrambled up and started running towards the house again. She could hear him behind her yelling. Aria was almost up the porch steps when he grabbed her hair and slung her to the ground. Her head hit the corner of the step and the pain was unbearable. She knew this was it, she couldn't move, couldn't think. He’s going to get her. Her eyes began to close. Seconds before she completely blacked out, she heard the sound of the front door fly open.

Reviews

[JayG]

• I am a High School Freshman who finds joy in writing

Cool. And because you are a freshman I’ll be gentle, and first, let me assure you that what I have to say is NOT about your talent or how well you write. Still, there are some things that you need to look into—things that your teachers not only won’t tell you, but that they have not a clue of. I am going to hit you with a few things in your writing that will sting, but only as examples of why the way you’ve been taught to write won’t, and can’t work for fiction.

But first, something you will NOT hear in your classrooms: What the goal of our writing is. E. L. Doctorow put it really well when he said, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

The effect of that idea is something you expect to see, and react to when reading, without ever noticing that it’s being done. Think of how many times you’ve found yourself saying, “Oh no…what do we do now?” when reading fiction. Think of the number of times you’ve found yourself shouting advice to the character in a story, the way you do to the screen when watching something exciting. Has even one teacher spent a single minute on how to make your reader do that? Of course not, because you’re preparing you for employment, not teaching you the profession of Fiction-Writer. And what kind of writing do employers mostly need? Reports, letters, and papers, which all have a goal of informing the reader clearly and concisely. And what kind of writing do your teachers mostly assign? Reports and essays. See the connection?

Fiction, with a goal of entertaining the reader by giving them an emotional experience, naturally, requires an emotion-based approach, while nonfiction has a fact-based approach.

So at the moment, through no fault of your own. You’re using the writing skills meant to inform, for the task of entertaining. The problem is, because you start out already knowing what’s going on, who we are, and where we are, as you read it makes perfect sense. And to you, who can hear your own voice when you read, that voice is filled with emotion. But the reader doesn’t see a line’s punctuation till AFTER the line is read, and that have no clue of how you wan them to perform the storytelling.

Nonfiction writing explains and reports. A narrator, whose voice can’t be heard, and so, is dispassionate, talks TO the reader about events, interjecting explanations as necessary.

To see why that can’t work, take a deep breath, and keep repeating, “He’s trying to help," while I show you how a reader would perceive the opening lines. Then I’ll explain you how to solve the problem.

• Aria ran faster.

Umm... faster than what?

When you read this, it calls up an image of her in your mind. You know the setting, and you can “see” how she’s dressed, her age and appearance, where she is, and of more importance, you know WHY she’s running. So for you, it works.

For the reader? How can she run faster, when we don’t know how fast she was running, and why? This matters, because unless the words are meaningful to the reader as-they-are-read, they stop. Remember, there is no second first-impression.

So for an opening like this, we need to, first, introduce her and the situation, but do that without intruding. After all, it is her story, right? So instead of you talking about her, why not have her live the story as-it’s-read. In fact, why not make the reader feel as if THEY’RE living it as-her, and in real-time? Wouldn’t that be more fun than reading a synopsis of events, recited by someone whose voice lacks life?

• The breath in her lounges wasn't enough, she could feel him gaining on her.

Forgetting that you mean lungs, how can she “feel” him gaining? Hearing, I can understand. But you just told the reader that she can magically feel him gaining. Not what you mean, I know, but it is what you said. 😄 It’s one of the reasons that when we edit we need to be in the seat of the reader, not the author, because your deep knowledge of the story causes you to both leave out necessary information, and then, not notice that it’s missing when you read it back.

So, because I imagine that you’re feeling a bit down, now, here’s something to cheer you up: You now know something not even most of the teachers in your school know. And since you can’t fix the problem you don’t see as being one…

Let me drop an opening paragraph on you from Hostage, to see how you can avoid such a situation:
- - - - - - -
The clock on the night table growled a good morning, forcing Tom Zoltac into the world once again. Instantly awake, he snaked a hand out of the covers to silence it before it could wake Trudy. Almost afraid to move, he watched the shadows of the blowing curtains play on the far wall. Today was the day.
- - - - -
Notice a few things:

1. We know why Tom woke, so his action has a known cause. And, it’s him reacting, not the narrator saying he did. And...with this line, we know he’s in a bedroom, probably in his own bed. So we’ve meaningfully set the scene, placed the character into the setting, and started the action. The clock started and he wakes. Cause and effect.

2. As a response to the alarm he doesn’t just turn it off, would be mundane, and not worth mentioning. Instead, he hurries to turn it off. This line also places someone we assume is in bed with him, and tells the reader that he has a reason to want her to keep sleeping. It might be that she doesn’t have to wake yet, but it seems not.

Again, it’s Tom acting, not the narrator summing it up. And because it is, the reader will be wondering why he hurried to turn the alarm off. After all, we all wake up, so if that’s all he’s doing it would be boring and not worth including.

3. Reacting to being awake and successfully not waking Trudy, he does what you or I would probably do, and spends a moment or two looking at nothing special, just waking up

But...he’s reluctant to get started, almost afraid. Obviously, something serious is going on. Did it make you want to know what that is? If so, it’s what’s called a hook, and it emotionally involved you in Tom’s life. If we fail to do that the reader won't care, and will stop reading.

4. Here, Tom realizes that today is very special. The narrator doesn’t explain it. Instead, it’s Tom accepting it. And at the same time, we’ve increased the reader’s curiosity.

So…one paragraph of four sentences, and in only 57 words the reader knows where we are, who we are, and enough of what’s going on to understand his next actions, which in themselves, will provide context for that follows.

It’s not great writing, but notice that each of the points I noted above move us, and Tom, through time, one tick at a time, giving the illusion that time is passing as you read the lines:

The alarm sounds. He responds by waking, then turning it off. Tick, tick, tick. He spends a moment coming awake. Another tick. He realizes the importance of the day. Again, the scene-clock ticks. There are no intrusions by by the narrator. Why, because if there were, and the story is seen as real, Tom would have to ask the narrator what they were doing in his bedroom. If he doesn’t, how can the situation seem real to a reader?

There’s a film called, Stranger Than Fiction, that’s based on exactly that happening. You can see the trailer on YouTube, and see why we can’t appear on stage with our characters.

So…how do you fix the problem? Simple. Since you need skills that won’t be taught in school, you go and dig them out, yourself. The library’s fiction-writing section will have lots of books on the subject (but not the school library). My personal suggestion is to ask your personal Santa to pick up a copy of Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It’s a warm easy read, a lot like sitting with Deb as she talks about writing.

But…it’s not a book you read and then you’re a pro, because it’s not a list of, “Do this instead of that.” And because it’s easy to read, the natural thing is to want to nod in understanding and go on. Lots of people do that, and forget they read the point a day later. So, read it slowly, with time to digest and think about each point she brings up, then practice it to make it yours.

In fact, after you read it, practice what you learned for a few months, then read it again. Not only will that refresh your memory, with a better understanding of what she’s getting at, you’ll learn as much more the second time as you did the first.

And for what it might be worth, the articles in my WordPress writing blog are based on the kind of thing you’ll find in that book, and are meant as a kind of overview of some of the critical issues.

So…I’m certain this isn’t what you hoped to see. Who would? But give it a try. I think you’ll find it a lot like going back stage, and filled with, “But that’s so obvious. Why didn’t I see it, myself?” And once you master those skills, the act of writing becomes a LOT more fun, because instead of talking about it, you live the story as you write, as the protagonist. Then, you’ll find your protagonist placing hands on hips and saying, “Me do that? Are you serious? I would never do that with the personality you gave me. Instead, I would…” And till you have that happen, your characters aren’t real to either you or the reader.

So jump in. And while you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[BeforeSunset]

Thank you so much for this constructive criticism. I've learned a lot from this review and Im super thankful you took the time to help me with this.