Jewel

Kenneth talks with his boss.

“Take a gander at these,” he said, dumping the burlap sack over my desk. Gems tumbled across my keyboard, splashed into my coffee, and assaulted my limited edition bobblehead.

“Kenneth.”

“Ethan.”

“Why did you do that?” It took all of my willpower to keep from throwing him out of my office. It was the fourth time this week that he had done this, and I was getting really tired of picking tiny peridots and sapphires out of keyboard crevices.

“Because I believe sharing is caring. And I care about you.”

“For the last time, this isn’t going to get you a raise, Kenneth.”

“But I’m such a hard wor-”

“No,” I snapped. “Just… no. If you need the raise so badly, why don’t you just sell all of these gems you keep dumping on my desk?”

“I stole these from a bunch of different companies, so I can’t do that.”

I stared at the precious stones glimmering in my coffee. “You’ve been giving me stolen jewels in the hopes that I’ll give you a raise.”

“Yes.”

I put two fingers on each temple. “I… I have to contact upper management about this, Kenneth. this is… this is unbelievable.”

---

“Everyone, I’m sure you’re wondering why we’ve gathered you here. You see, at Faulty Enterprises, we expect great things from everyone associated with the company. But one man has stepped above and beyond the rest, ensuring him a place in the company’s history. Meet the new company president, Kenneth Toplern!”

The company went bankrupt a few weeks later. I can’t say I was surprised.