Again and again

A vent about self harm

I relapsed today.
Like I have time and time again.
It was different this time though, for the first time it feels truly relieving, like a cool rush in my skin radiating out.
All I could think about was my light, that girl who was once mine, who now looks at me with distain and hate in her eyes, a fury burning hotter with each slip up.
She's all I live for, but she doesn't know that, if she did she would freak out and ruin the 4 months that she worked so hard for.
She would just repeat my mistake.
To say her cruel gaze makes me die inside is an understatement, it destroys me like a knife being plugged into my chest over and over again, it never stops. The blood never stops, the scars never stop, it will never stop. Not unless she lets me in for good.
I would give her anything at the drop of a hat if she would let me stay, I would throw away my future for her in a second. If she asked me to end myself I would.
This kind of love comes once in a lifetime, and hers was spent on someone else.