The Old Man and the Money

A Fabliaux - modern-day Canterbury Tale

“You old raisin!”

                “Pathetic fossil!”

                “Brains-eating zombie!”

                The old man turned away from the insults being hurled through his window, like the eggs were hurled just the other day. They only lasted a few minutes as the kids were on their way to school, but it was enough to make him grumpily throw down another cup of coffee and sit in front of the television, scheming how to make the insolent, disrespectful children leave him alone. He had tried everything, from calling their parents to calling the police. But it never ended, and day after day they hurl either words or objects at his head.

                 One day, as he was watching an interview with some expert on kids �" Alfie Kohn or something like that �" he heard a thump on the window and more cruel laughter from the kids. Looking over, it was obvious that the object had at one time been some sort of rotten fruit, but now it was just a mush sliding down the windowpane. “Rewards take the meaning out of everything…” the television droned.

                Suddenly, he knew what the solution was. Giggling to himself, he opened the door and raised his hand. The kids stopped their throwing and looked at him uncertainly. Hobbling down the driveway, he approached the children with a friendly smile.

                “Now, now, I know how much you kids could love to say those things to me,” He said. “You get so awfully creative, I hate to stop it. I have a deal�"what do you say?”

                “What sort of deal?” a chunky one with a red face said hesitantly.

                “I want you all to come back next Monday, you hear?” the old man chattered. “Whoever throws the most imaginative insults gets a dollar for their trouble. Ones who throw great insults and the most original objects will get two dollars.”

                Excited and motivated, the children ambled home. The old man watched them and smirked silently to himself, then went back inside to enjoy his peaceful weekend at home.

                Not surprisingly, the following Monday the old man was sitting in front of his window when the kids came walking by on their way to school. They all stopped and began screaming the rudest, most nasty, most horrible insults they could come up with, a few even using curses, earning themselves high-fives from their peers. The ones who had brought food threw it all at the house as well. Pizza and crackers and soda and other assorted snack foods slammed in to the house. When the children got tired, the old man, true to his word, came out with a wallet packed with dollars and passed the money out.

Before they all left to spend their newly-earned money, the old man said, “Now, come back tomorrow, and I’ll give you all a quarter for the insults.”

                “Why just a quarter?” a little girl cried.

                “You all have exhausted my dollars today with your inventive insults, but I have jars and jars of quarters in my house. If you get really creative tomorrow, I’ll give each of you fifty cents.”

                Satisfied and understanding, the children headed to school, and the next day they of course showed up again precisely 8 o’clock in the morning, hurling the loudest and most interesting insults they could come up with. Afterwards, the man came out with a jar full of quarters, and passed them out.

                Content with their earnings of the day, the kids were about to head to school when the old man said, “I do enjoy your lovely comments in the morning, but unfortunately, I have again exhausted all of my bigger money. Tomorrow when you come, I’ll only be able to give each of you a penny for your hard work.”

                “What?” All the children cried angrily. “You’re an old man! You must have tons of money!”

                “I did, but social security doesn’t give out that much, kids,” The old man said sadly. “A penny is all I can give you tomorrow, or I won’t have money for food this week.”

                “Stupid old wrinkle!” a chubby, rat-faced girl muttered.

                “Yeah! We don’t want a penny!”

                “Good riddance, ugly mummy!”

                The kids stomped frustratingly to school as the old man watched them go.  Snickering at his own cleverness, he walked back in to his house, poured a cup of tea, and sat in front of his TV, watching a rerun of the Alfie Kohn interview. As for those kids, they never bothered to insult him again, because they no longer got a suitable reward for it.

Author's Note

Done for an AP English Literature project. Did I accurately satirize our system of punishment and rewards? Was I able to create a fabliaux well? What can I change to make the story more in the style of Chaucer?

Reviews

[Looouise]

I think you did a brilliant job of satirizing the systems of punishment and rewards, I thought it was very crafty. I really do applaud you on that. :] It presented another way of doing something, and showed how it would work. :]

I'm not too sure about the fabliau part though. I think if someone didn't know what a fabliau was - they'd need a bit of explaining, and the story wouldn't quite be a good example of it. However, if someone does know what a fabliau is, then they've got to really think how the story incorporates the style.

After thinking about it, I could picture the old man as a peasant getting the better of the nobility, or vice versa. I mean, it does shine through when you think about for a bit. :] You did single out two groups - the children and I would say those who create/judge systems of government - and you had a good Absolon in the form of the narrator.

So, it does work - but it requires a little thought, which isn't bad. :] I don't know if you could make it more of a Chaucer fabliau, because his characters are totally different - and you would have to take on something involving sex in a modern world to make it a modern fabliau.

But yeah. :] Other than that, I think it's pretty good. I really liked how you presented this, and narrated it. I'm not sure if this review is confusing or not... :/