Chapter Five

A long-ish chapter. I cried a ton during this, so I would say get some kleenex if you cry while reading a lot.

            Rory and I get to my house around five after school. I don't want to go home. Once I walk through that door Paavo will kill every little bit of happiness I have found while with Mike, Jett, and Rory in the week that I have known them. I will walk through that door and Paavo will shout that I am always out and I am irresponsible. Then he will storm off and ignore me for the rest of the night.

            I open the door but hesitate to leave. Rory notices. "You don't want go, do you?"

            I pull my legs back in and shut the door. "No, I don't. I know I have to." I sigh.

            "I'll go in with you and if Paavo gives you s**t we can leave again." Rory pats my shoulder.

            "No. Paavo is especially pissy when I have people with me. He starts yelling about sluttiness." I sigh.

            "Well, you are the band prostitute, asking for money every time we need your services." Rory laughs and I slap his arm.

            I get out of the van and Rory follows me even though I told him not to. He hasn't obeyed much of anything that I have told him to do. And he probably will never listen to me.

            I unlock the door and walk in. All the lights are off and there isn't a single sound. Is Paavo gone? That would be just like him to yell at me for being out with friends then taking off without a word. Although, he is probably studying or out getting groceries.

            Rory turns on the light as he shuts the door. He startles me. I completely forgot that he was here. Once again I ignore everything and get absorbed by my thoughts. I walk into the living room and look around. There still is no sign of Paavo. Next I go into the kitchen and Rory turns on the lights behind me. I look around for a note. Pinned to the fridge is a small piece of paper.

            'Went out to get bread, don't leave again until I'm home.

                       ~Paavo'

            I sigh and turn to Rory. "He's gone, but he should be home soon." I say. Rory nods and sits at the table. I am about to sit down when the phone rings. I sit down anyway and put my head on the table.

            "Aren't you going to answer it?" Rory looks over my shoulder at the phone in the living room.

            "The answering machine will get it." I mumble.

            The machine beeps and there are just sirens for a moment. I look up and stare at the phone. Then someone speaks. It's a voice that I have never heard before. "Hello, this is Officer Daniels. I am looking for a Pellervo Markku. If you could give me a call as soon as you possibly can, it's about Paavo Markku. He is..."     I sprint to the phone and answer it. "Hello? Is Paavo okay? What happened?"

            "Are you Pellervo?" The officer asks.

            "Yes! Tell me what happened!" I shout, desperate for answers. Paavo isn't the kind of person that gets arrested, so why is a cop calling me?"

            "Mr. Paavo Markku was recently in a car accident..." The officer hesitates.

            "Voi Luoja." I cover my mouth with my hand.

            Rory stands behind me, trying to hear what is being said.

            "Paavo is in the hospital. He is in critical condition and probably won't make it. I'm sorry."

            Those words are knives and bullets plunging into my chest. I can't say a word because all the air has been sucked from my lungs. The officer tells me some information about the hospital but all of it goes in one ear and out the other. All I can think about is what I will do without Paavo. He has been the only constant in my life. He's my brother. I can't live without him. It's just impossible.

            Rory takes the phone from me and talks to the cop for a bit and then hangs up. He turns me around and hugs me tightly. I cry into his chest. He doesn't speak, which is better than if he tried to comfort me. I don't want to be told that everything will be alright, because it won't.

            I don't know how much time has passed, but Rory eventually tells me that we have to go to the hospital. He takes a step away, but I don't follow. I'm glued to this spot. Nothing can make me move. I don't want to leave because that will make this real. If I stay in this spot I can pretend that nothing is wrong and I am just waiting for Paavo to get home.

            "Pellervo, please, we have to go." Rory grabs my arms and gently tries to pull me towards the door.

            "No. No." I croak. "Paavo is fine. He just needs to get bread."

            "Pellervo, Paavo is in the hospital. We have to go see him." Rory tries to move me again, but I refuse to budge. I fall to the floor, knowing that the lower I am the harder it will be for him to make me move.

            Rory gives up and picks me up. I don't fight. I'm too tired to fight. I just wrap my arms around his neck and let him carry me to the van. He sets me in the passenger seat and buckles my seatbelt.

            "Don't worry, Paavo will be okay. The doctors will take care of him and he will get better." Rory puts his hand under my chin and turns my face to look at me. He wipes the tears off my face, but they continue to fall.

            My mind goes blank and nothing can get me out of this trance. It's a defense. If I don't think I won't have to believe that Paavo is hurt. Because he's okay. He has to be. Paavo doesn't get into trouble. He isn't like that. Paavo is my invincible big brother. Paavo is my protector. He has taken care of me since I was twelve. He watched out for me. He can't just die. It doesn't work like that. It can't. I won't let it!

            Rory opens my door and pulls me out of the car. It's dark out. He stands me up and wipes tears away from my eyes again. I look at him wondering why he isn't making me move. He just leaves me standing there. Then I notice that he is crying to. Someone like him crying. It's crazy. He is a hugely tall guy all tattooed and tough looking, and he is crying.

            "Don't cry." I reach up and put my hands on his shoulders. "There is nothing to worry about. Paavo is fine." I give the worst fake smile ever, hoping it will make him feel at least a little better.

            "Yeah, tell me not to cry as you soak your shirt in tears. Hypocrite." Rory pulls me into a hug and cries into my hair. "I don't know why I am crying. I never spoke to Paavo, but seeing you this upset makes me feel absolutely awful."

            "I'm sorry." I sniffle. "Can you carry me again?" I feel like a little kid getting carried around but I don't want to walk anywhere or stop hugging Rory. So, being carried solves both problems.

            "Okay, Pikkukorppi." Rory chuckles and I'm surprised that he remembered that.

            "I was only called that as a little girl." I mutter into his shoulder.

            "And you are acting like a little kid. It's fitting, Pikkukorppi." Rory shifts my weight and starts walking towards the hospital.

            If I didn't have any one here with me I probably would have never went to the hospital. I would still be standing with the phone in my hand, waiting for Paavo to come home. Rory is really helping me right now. And his jokes might seem inappropriate at a time like this, but they are making me feel better. It's definitely relieving to have something to stop my thoughts from going to the worst.

            Inside the hospital is extremely bright and it burns my eyes, so I hide in Rory's neck. He chuckles before speaking to someone. "We are here to see Paavo Markku."

            "Are you two related?" A woman's voice asks.

            "Pellervo is his sister and I'm a close family friend." Rory lies about being a family friend and I hope the receptionist buys it, because I will not be able to go see Paavo on my own.

            "Okay, he is in room 472 on floor 3." She answers.

            "Thank you very much." Rory says. I look around for the receptionist and smile at her. I must look like a wreck and a freak, sobbing and being carried through a hospital.

            I hope Paavo is okay. I don't want to get there and see him in a horrible condition because that will ruin the game of pretend I'm playing. I need to see him in an at least stable condition so I can hope he will get better. If I see him and he's dying I won't be able to pretend nothing is wrong anymore.

            I guess I started crying more because Rory starts running his hand over my hair and shushing me like a mother would a child. I rub my face on the shoulder of his shirt to dry my eyes. Rory mumbles that he won't leave me here alone. I'm happy he won't. I need someone here right now.

            "Okay, we are here. Do you want me to set you down?" Rory asks.

            "Yes." I answer and straighten my legs out and let go of his neck.

            I stand in front of the door with my hand on the doorknob. I know I should open the door and go inside, but my thoughts scream at me that what is on the other side is something I don't want to see. Rory puts his hand over mine and forces me to open the door. He pushes the door open all the way and walks forward. I don't want to get shoved, so I walk forward. But I direct my eyes away from the bed.

            I see a nurse in the room and focus on her. She seems uncomfortable with my stare, so I say something hoping to make it less awkward. "How are you?"

            "I'm alright..." She seems to not understand how I could be concerned with her well being.

            "Pellervo, don't bother her, she's working." Rory pulls me away. "Is Paavo awake?"

            "He is conscious, but barely, if you want to speak to him." The nurse answers. "I'm leaving now."

            I take a deep breath and look at Paavo. He has an IV, and a breathing tube. Machines beep rhythmically all around the bed. His face is full of cuts and deep gashes. I quickly look away.

            "Pe-Pellervo?" An almost unrecognizable voice groans. I look at Rory first, even though I know it wasn't him speaking. He pushes me towards Paavo.

            "Veli, I'm here. It's okay." I hold Paavo's hand and fight back tears.

            "Olen pahoillani. Olen erittain pahoillani. Anteeksi tama, Pellervo." Paavo apologizes and asks for forgiveness in Finnish.

            "Ala huoli, Paavo, ala anteeksi." Don't worry, don't apologize. I squeeze his hand gently. "Vain luvata minulle yksi asia." Just promise me one thing.

            "Mita?" What?

            "Ala kuole!" Don't die! I start sobbing.

            "Pellervo, ei valia mita. olla vahva." No matter what, be strong. "En sinun kanssasi ikuisesti." I won't be with you forever.

            What is he talking about? He has to be with me forever! I can't survive on my own. Veli! Don't do this to me! I need you! If you die I will be alone and have no way to take care of myself.

            "Ole hyva, ala kuole." Please, don't die. "Veli, mina rakastan sinua!" I love you.

            Paavo smiles weakly. "Pikkukorppi, Sisko, olen aina rakastanut sinua, ja tulee aina olemaan." Little Raven, Sister, I have always loved you, and always will. "Aiti ja Isa olisi ylpea sinusta." Mom and Dad would be so proud of you.

            Paavo's hand slips out of mine and the beeping from the machines turns to a constant whine. Tears drip off my chin and fall onto the hospital sheets. Breathing becomes difficult and all I can do is gasp for air between sobs. Paavo is gone. I will never see him again. This is the last time I will ever speak to him. I will never get him back.

            Doctors rush in and Rory pulls me out of the way and into a hug. I look away as they try to resuscitate Paavo. I don't want to see anything anymore. I just want to go home and sleep. I want to sleep for weeks, maybe even months. I don't want to do anything else. There isn't a point to doing anything else. Paavo was all I had. Without him I have nothing. Nothing at all. I have no one to see when I get home from school, no one to remind me all the time to do my homework and get my chores done, no one to welcome me home, no one to be there for me.

            "Take me home." I say to Rory and yank away from him. I rush out the doors and down the hall without any idea of where I am going. Halfway down the hall I start sprinting and praying Rory won't catch up to me. Something in my mind is telling me that the faster I run the sooner I can get home and away from all of this. It doesn't matter that the hospital is twenty miles away. I will run all the way there if I have to.

            I find my way outside and to the road. I'm about to run through traffic without looking for cars first but Rory tackles me and pulls me to the ground. "Pull yourself together, d****t!" He shouts and pins me down. I fight and swing my first, hitting him in the stomach a few times.

            "Just let me go! I want to go home!" I scream.

            "How? You can't even run a few miles without being exhausted and it's the middle of the f*****g night. If you try to run like this you will just end up getting hurt!" Rory tries to pick me up like before but I kick him as hard as I can. He drops me and I turn to sprint. He has my arm before I can even take a step.

            "Let go of me! Vittupaa!" I try to yank my arm away but he is a lot stronger than I.

            "I'm not letting you go. You are getting into the car and I am taking you back to your house. You are not going to stay there alone. I am staying with you to make sure you don't do anything stupid." Rory speaks to me like I'm a child getting instructions.

            "I'm not stupid, what do you expect me to do? Slice my wrists and bleed out?" I spit the words out at him.

            "I know what people do when they lose someone! I've been there! My mother died two years ago and I was just like you. I thought I could just run and hide, but when that stopped working I started blaming myself. That soon turned to hurting myself. The scars are the reason I have tattoos. I used the tattoos to cover up the scars and the memories they brought!" Rory screams at me. "Now get your a*s in the f*****g car so we can go home."

            "I don't want to go back there. I don't want to walk into my empty house and realize once again that Paavo is gone forever." I curl up into a ball on the sidewalk and start crying loudly.

            "It's okay. Your house won't be empty. I will be there." Rory stops screaming and picks me up. "Pikkukorppi, I mean... Do you mind if I call you that still?"

            "It's... It's okay." I whisper, barely audible.

            "Pikkukorppi, I will help you out. I will be there every time you need me. I understand the pain of losing and I know it's hard. I..." He stops. "Let's go."

            I try to regulate my breathing and silence my sobs, but nothing helps. I end up wheezing and coughing instead. It's impossible to calm down when all I can think about is Paavo and the empty house I will have to return to every day ad each time it will be like a knife reminding me that I lost my Veli; the last person I had left.

            "I'm the last Markku." I whisper. "Aiti, Isa, Grandma, Paavo; they are all gone. My only family. Gone."

            Rory doesn't speak and I hope that means he doesn't here me talking to myself. The whole way home I mumble to myself little thoughts that escape my mind and find their way past my lips. Slowly the wheezing and coughing stop and I stop sobbing loudly. I just cry silently and take short, choppy, uneven breaths.          My mind is blank again. I'm in a blissful state of thoughtlessness. If I don't think I can't have bad thoughts. It's the same logic I used on the way to the hospital. It's easy.

            Rory's voice pulls me out of that vegetable state. "Can you tell Danika, mate? I don't think Pellervo can plan a funeral all by herself and she probably needs an adult to give her a hand."

            "Who are you talking to?" I ask quietly because my voice is hoarse from crying so much.

            "It's Mike." Rory answers. "I'm asking him to tell Danika what happened. She is the only adult we know that will be helpful."

            "Oh. Tell them I said thank you." I realize I'm cold; freezing, actually. "Rory, can I have your shirt?" The question probably seems so strange.

            "Alright, thanks, bye." Rory ends the phone call before responding. "Are you cold?" I nod. "Let me try to do this without ki..." He doesn't want to say without killing us. He must be afraid it will upset me again. I bite my lip and mentally thank him for catching that.

            Rory gives me his shirt, another button up flannel, but this one is thicker and warmer. I curl up inside it and lean against the window. I watch the cars on the highway next to us. I slowly start to drift off while thinking about how badly the shirt smells of nicotine.

Author's Note

Finnish translations are mainly in the story (italicized) but here are the few that aren't Voi Luoja=Oh my God. I guess just one wasn't. And quick background story, the Markku grandmother is just called Grandma because she isn't Finnish, only the paternal side of the family is Finnish.