Addiction

Because it's hard to stay clean :(

This isn't the kind of addiction you may be thinking of. No drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes. This addiction is pain. I'm addicted to the feeling of the razor gliding across my skin. Every time I say 'I'll quit, this isn't good for me' something drives me to it again.
Some days I will go without thinking of it. Others, I do it when no one is looking. The razor sweet talks me into thinking it is my greatest friend, then it beats me down. I go back to it, over and over, eager to get the beatings it hands out.
I was clean since late December. But tonight I got into fights, realized that I'm probably worthless, thought about things too much. For the past week I have felt this way. And I turned to my old friend, and he told me that it will all be alright.
No matter how many times the razor says it will be okay, it never is. The next morning I wake up with my right side burning from the gashes, and a sick feeling of defeat and hopelessness.
I go to school and try to hide the pain from everyone. If I sit funny, it burns and I wince. Can people see it? Not likely. No one has said anything about the obvious hurt. I must be a great actor.
Only two people know about the cuts. A girl I wish I never told, and a guy that has cut too. They are some good friends of mine. Both have cut. That's why I thought I would tell them, maybe they could help.
I hope that no one else wants to do this to themselves. The razor isn't a friend you want to have. It is a vile piece of s**t that just bribes you with promises of happiness. And once your hooked, you never get out of it. The razor doesn't let you off that easy. Trust me, I started in '09 and I have only been able to stay clean for four months.
Don't take me as a hypocrite. "Oh, who does she think she is? 'This is what I do, don't do it because it's bad'". Think about this. If I have befriended the razor, and I tell you that it is terrible, then it must be. Don't make the mistake.

Author's Note

I just felt I had to get some stuff out. I broke the longest time I have stayed clean, and it makes me feel sick.
Don't judge it too harshly, I didn't really write this for other people as much as I wrote it for myself.