New chances

Thoughts about moving on from a toxic relationship that destroyed my confidence.

15 months. 15 months of shame, fear, anxiety, hurt, panic, and misery. Why didn’t I leave sooner? Why was I so weak? Why did I go back to him, again and again? I will never know. He was my lifeline. When I tried to cut him off, I sank beneath the surface and drowned in anxiety and fear. But being with him was like drowning too. He was like a drug addiction. I counted the hours I didn’t talk to him. I counted the days I didn’t respond to him. Then I would cave. Go back to him for a moment of relief or to get my “fix”, and end up with the same familiar feelings of hurt and pain. What was he? Sometimes I still think about him when I’m drunk in the Uber, or laying in bed with C, my new boyfriend. He represented familiarity in a time when I felt instability and isolation. He was my comfort, my rock. But the price I paid was too great. Crushing self-doubt, debilitating anxiety, and suicidial thoughts.
I’ve moved on. 32 days. I counted them. 32 days without him.
Sometimes I panic and fear my resolve will crack, and I will send a text or an email that will Undo all the progress I’ve made.
No.
I will never go back.

Reviews

[Julia Weimerskirch]

The feeling that this story brought me is one that I have felt my whole life. Having a bad relationship is something that leaves a lasting scar on your body that you feel like you will never be able to cover up or heal. Your heart in this story is something I genuinely feel I understand. Thank you for sharing this with us.