do monsters bleed? (*paragraph*

this is just a paragraph from my old story http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Beccaboooo/1074476/ for a contest

The storm that raged that night, matched the one that was raging in side of me.
and every time thunder roared, I felt as if my heart would break out of my chest and run away out of fear.
I lay in my bed confused, thinking about the way he died, how cruel he was. It wasn't murder I thought to myself, it was self defense. ''self defense'' I murmured trying to comfort my terrified soul.
with shaking body I got out of bed, and made my way to the dark room. I had to make sure he was dead, really dead!.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Nicely menacing tones as you lead up to the slow revelation of what has happened here. Good use of dramatic imagery which conveys the defensiveness of your narrator with intensity. Just as an idea, your last sentence: "I had to make sure he was dead, really dead!" is telling, instead of showing. It can make writing stronger if SHOWING is used instead of telling. For example, say she goes back to the body & gives it a little kick with her toe & his lifeless arm slides to the floor. This would be SHOWING your last sentence without having to tell about it. Not that this needs to be changed, but it's just something to keep in mind as you continue writing (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[McEltic]

Sent chills down my spine :)

[Done]

I started out expecting one thing and got thrown for a loop. Wow. I agree with the other reviewers. This leads me to wonder what happened next. Wonderful read and very powerful.

[matrixmark]

WOW what a rush I just had from this short piece. Packed one hell of a punch for a quick read.

Mark.

[An owl on the moon]

Darkly moving and filled with a sense of the powerful emotion of the moment. With just one paragraph, you create such a history, and open up the door to the reader aching for more of the puzzle to be completed. Excellent, Salar!

[Salar Majak]

thank you a lot :) !!

[An owl on the moon]

So glad to see you posting! Keep up the writing... please. :)