Drowning (senryu)

Gasping for air
fearing it might disappear
i sink beneath

water filled lungs
going down all the way
no bottom reached

for eternity, gone
forgotten by loved ones
i linger here

Gasping for air
nothing's left but pain
drowning in grief

i sink beneath
soul stuck in the middle
i sink beneath

Author's Note

believe it or not, this was fun to write XD
i really did feel the water in my mouth while writing this XD
not doimg anything stupid though

Reviews

[Najam Us Saher]

I loved the poem perfectly written haikus.

[lessa (kenzie)]

Very nicely done, wonderful write here

[Salar Majak]

thank you!!

[Jade]

I have been trying to write in form like this, I am studying the form now, I enjoyed this write..
very nice

[Salar Majak]

thank you! glad you like it

[ashesonfire]

Very nice! Very well written. I've never written one of these style of poems before, but I really love the imagery you used. :-D good job!

[Salar Majak]

thank you! and once you start it's not that hard to write like this, it's kind of challenging but fun :)

[DogDrawler]

A great, wonderful, powerful masterpiece that screams to be on a plaque. I loved it! :)

[Salar Majak]

thank you! i'm really glad you like it!

[DogDrawler]

Oh, I more than liked it. :)

[Sid]

Awesome write, great imagery and the senryu chain is very well done...loved reading this!

[Salar Majak]

thanks :D i'm glad you like it

[John Jackson (El Juero)]

A truly great quinella. I understood the pain, the realization of a helpless state.
Wonderfully written.

[Salar Majak]

thank you so very much, i'm really glad you like it :)

[Clockwork]

This is a pretty awesome Senryu chain. I felt the water too in a very real way. I think it was nice how you really had a progression of thought here and really took the reader through each stage of drowning. We have the initial contact with the water, the frantic gasps, the water filling the lungs, and the procession toward the fading of life. Well done here.

[Salar Majak]

thank you!
I really appreciate this and am glad you enjoyed it :)

[Clockwork]

You're welcome, it was a pleasure to read. I greatly enjoy haiku and senryu poetry :-)

[SyberRose]

I have never wrote one of these...good job...:)

[Salar Majak]

thanks :)
you should try ,it's fun

[Siren]

really liked reading this, and im glad you enjoyed writing it! it's a great one to make you think, and it sparks the imagination into creating the scene and maybe a whole story for what night prompt such a write. i love it!

[Salar Majak]

i LOVE having you back on this site XD
thanks

[Siren]

hurray! im glad to be back. i feel at home (:

[Salar Majak]

:] great