the thought.

''Wait!!'' his little sister called to him trying to get her pink shoes on, with tears in her eyes she ran trying to catch up with him and buried her little hand in his massive one.
''you're always late''he muttered walking with loud music piercing his ears till they reached school. running to her friends with the most joyful smile, Ada started showing off her new shoes to the girls who's eyes widened with jealousy.  He only shook his head and entered the building which felt like a prison to him.
Sighing, he sat at his desk watching the world go by with empty eyes and not the slightest interest. it went on all day, with him gazing at the clock watching the seconds go by.

It was as if he wasn't even there, like no one cared anymore, besides his little sister who just used him as a transportation way, or so he thought, slowly and with out consciousness he started thinking about death, it would be peaceful. Shuddering at the thought he shook his head trying to push death to the back of his mind, and convinced himself finally that he did, when really it still lingered there till he got home. Going up to his room he lied on the bed thinking again, ways to die filled his head, conquered his thoughts, and controlled him for days, and every time he tried to find a reason to live, he failed.

 Till one day he finally decided on the best way. He acted normal all day long, better than normal really. He waited for his always late sister, stroked her hair smiling, kissed his mother good morning, and even participated in class, and when night fell he climbed up to his bed, left the door open, and held a razor.

For two hours he stayed there staring at the sharp piece, picturing how it'd penetrate his body, and when finally he decided, he drew it across his wrist with such force that blood started pouring out like a fountain. not even once did he cry, not even a tear escaped his empty eyes, and when he started feeling tired, he held the razor once more, and aimed for his neck, when the least expected thing happened.

The door slowly creaked open and from behind it appeared Ada with her pink shoes, holding a doll close to her chest, the minute she saw her brother surrounded in a pool of his own blood she let out a scream, the doll fell from her hand and she rushed to him putting both of her hands on his neck with her tears washing over his face.it was the first time he felt noticed, the first time he felt loved, but it was a bit too late.

He stroked her hair with his hand and smiled  reassuring to her that it was going to be OK, but she with the eight years old girl shouted more and more and screamed that she will never forgive him if he died, and when her parents reached the room, he was already gone. His mother fainted, while his father rushed to his side pulling Ada away, she was looking at her brother's blind eyes, urging them for one last spark. she stroked his dead hair, filled his cheeks with wet kisses before her father pulled her close to him in a hug.

That's when Ray woke up, tears filling his eyes, in his own bed, not covered with blood. he looked around, had he been dreaming or did heavens grant him a second chance? but that wasn't what he wanted to know, jumping from his bed he ran to his sister's room, kissed her and hugged her tight, she, though clueless of what was going on, hugged him back smiling.

Author's Note

that's the best i can do :P
it's for a contest.

Reviews

[Pete Langley]

It`s certainly not the best you can do, Sal ....but It`s a good start, love. You have tended to write this, understandably, fairly sparingly - trying to replicate accurately the way the boy is not conciously thinking or feeling anything but bleakness in seeing no future, no connection with his world, but you need to reflect this more in the piece, maybe by small recollections that reinforce the atmosphere of apathy and desolation....so that the climax of the story has much more impact. Hope this helps. P.

[Salar Majak]

this helps a lot!!!!!!! i'm going to cherish these advises!!!! thanks soo much Mr. Peter!! and thanks for reading :)

[passionberry]

This is great I enjoyed reading this keep writing! Let your mind flow...great job in new on here you should check out my poem thank you😊 I will cont..to read yours two thumbs up

[Salar Majak]

thanks a lot! i'll absolutely check your poems :)

[quinfinn]

excellent storytelling, Sal! this is really , really good! you may color me quite impressed.

[Salar Majak]

thank you Quin!!!!

[Traci]

You are a great storyteller and for writing this instantly you did a fantastic job. Congrats on your win! I was caught off guard at the end, didn't see this coming. But that's where true talent comes in, draw your readers in, and leave them with a cliffhanger, or dream. Open to interpretation as to what happens beyond that point. I agree with Pete, throw in just a tad more apathy and let your readers connect a bit more with your main character and the impact with be felt significantly, making for an even better story. Keep writing, and I'll keep reading!!

[Salar Majak]

wow! thank you so very much for this, i really appreciate the advises, i'll absolutely try to put them to action!! thanks again!

[Traci]

It's always my pleasure to read your work :)

[Craig2591]

Oooh! Good fake out! You fooled me. I'm glad it was just a dream. Good story. There are a number of small errors, but overall the story is quite good.

[Salar Majak]

thank you sooo much!!

[emmajoy]

My goodness, what an awful dream .. you really caught me off guard.

You certainly have a feel for story tellling, and i found the flow in this really swept me along, as stories should. Maybe there could be a few less 'and' or 'the', shorter sentences to add a sense of emergency. Maybe cut out some of the school stuff, it's not really needed for what's going to apparently happen.

Having typed that, certainly dont want to offend you, but, you seem happy to have advice - as per another exchange between us. I'm more than happy to have constructive comments from you. promise !! Please go on writing stories. don't doubt you have dozens waiting to be told.

[Salar Majak]

thank you so very much!
to tell you the truth your comment made me look at this story for a second time, i wrote because of a contest that was supposed to have (pink shoes, dead hair, and blind eyes) in it, sooo i wrote it instantly, didn't really think it was going to win XD
i'm so glad for the advises, i'm not offended at all, on the contrary i'm extremely happy, and absolutely i can't wait to read your works!
thank you again!!

[emmajoy]

Didnt realise you had to write instantly, wouldn't have commented in that way otherwise. Thanks lots for being so gracious. :)

[Salar Majak]

:)

[Arun Paul Kapur]

Very talented. Keep on writing :D

[Salar Majak]

thank you!!