What I seek/What If

Is it death I seek?

Or is it something beyond that?

Is it the hate and pain I seek to be rid of?

Or the happiness to finally sink in, to take over?

What is controlling me to stay,

To live with this deep emotion?

I can face that bridge, everyday.

Thinking about that jump.

Of how quick and easy it would be.

I can sit here and drink everything away.

Hoping that eventually the pain will go away.

But, something floats past me.

Seeps into my brain.

I see familiar faces.

Of ones that mean the most.

I can see the good memories flash by.

See what my future could be like.

If I just keep trying.

Trying to be happy.

Trying to fulfill something greater.

All these what ifs, 

It's what keeps me thinking.

What if, I was able to have a good career?

What if, I got the chance to marry my one true love?

What if... what if... what if...

So as I write, and think, and talk, and tell, and show.

I begin to hope, to wonder, for the best.

Not only the best for myself,

But, for the ones I love the most.

So is it really death I seek?

Or is there a part of life, 

I wish progressed faster?