THE WORLD NOW

Hey! Let's go for a late night ride.
Yeah! Sure do,
It's past 12 dear,
Oh Man, Forgot my work.

Hey! Let's go and take my laptop.
Yeah! Sure thing,
It is 12:45,
Oh Man, Just sit tight.

The dead silence, the car,
And the tick, tick,
Of the hazard lights..
Pulsating yellow lights..

Oh! Is it long?
Why is she taking so much time..
She had to walk through the alley way..
Is everything okay?

Rape! Am I overthinking?
The doctor was raped,
At the place of her dreams..
Am I overthinking..

Hell! My heart pounds,
Like I lifted a 150 kg dead weight,
The thoughts weigh me down..
Is she okay?

Did someone grab her?
Did someone take her?
Is she being raped right now?
I couldn't control the thoughts..

The calm person, now anxious.
Thinking all the ways she would suffer..
Now I was ready to go out,
In search of her..

Alas! I see a white dress,
With a wrapped dark grey shawl,
I see her watch, Yeah! It's her..
She is okay..

Here! Hold this..
She gave me something,
Which I don't remember,
In the relief that she was fine..

She drove the car,
Putting on the headlights,
And lighting up the darkness,
As she lights up my life..

A thought still lingered..
Is this how women always feel?..
And these vanished into darkness,
As she confidently drove, into the darkness...

Reviews

[JayG]

Were the reader privy to your intent, and the images you held as you wrote, this could work. But:

• Hey! Let's go for a late night ride.

So who is suggesting this to who? You know. They do. But the reader? Not a clue. Your pre-knowledge is making it work for you, but the reader is wondering where we are, who we are, and what's going on.

• Yeah! Sure do,

Who's speaking? Not a clue. And the comma says the thought continues. So...

• It's past 12 dear,

Is this part of the previous line, as the comma indicated? Doesn't seem so. But if taken as a new speaker it seems as if they're rejecting the idea of a ride. But...

• Oh Man, Forgot my work.

Forgetting that the comma seems to say it's still the second speaker, does "Forgot my work," mean that they forgot to bring it; they forgot to do it; or, forgot they have to go to their place of employment?

All are equally possible, and each provides a very different direction, but the reader cannot know which because you provided zero context.

In short, when writing we will sit in the chair of the author. But when editing, we must do it from the chair of a reader, who needs context AS they read. I find that having the computer read it to me is a great way to pick up problems.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

[Arundass TP]

Ladies/ Girls are not safe here, what the poem stress the emotion of anxiety. Community must have balanced and mutual respect. Enjoyed reading