The Greater Good.

"The only cure for grief is action." -- George Henry Lewes

Often I hear people say, "I'd rather be dead." Or "my life sucks" Never once do they stop to see what anybody else may be going through. Often It's a lot worse. But pain is a part of life, Feelings are a part of life whether they be happy or not, They are still real and still play a huge role in who you are. Just promise yourself you will be okay and you will.

My name is Ali, At the age of 3 my mom and dad divorced. I can remember all my life I thought it was my fault. I used to tell my sisters all the time that if I would have just minded and been better, showed them both that I loved them a little more that they would still be together. I loved my dad more than anything. I was his princess. I tried my best to get them back together and failed miserably every time. My mother married my step dad when i was about 8 years old. Me and him never saw eye to eye. I never really thought he liked me much. I was always grounded and never allowed to do anything but when it came to my older brothers and younger sisters, well lets just say they ran the show. I have always been kind of a free spirit and he, my step dad that is, used to tell me all the time that I was just like my father and how much he hated that man. So that summer my dad came to get me for the weekend. (It was an every weekend thing.) I stayed with him. I was an only child for about 5 months and I loved it. My mom fought and fought to get me back and finally succeeded. So I was dragged back to mom's kicking and screaming to live with 8 other kids.

When I turned 13, A fight broke out between me and a class mate. All through school I had been bullied for being short and the product of a divorce. Finally I just snapped. I was suspended. My step dad didn't look lightly on it and sent me back to my dad's. I was so excited when I stepped off the plane to see my dad again, But all I saw was a man that drugs had overtook. I can remember sitting on his couch and him doing speed right next to me. I never really forgave him for that. He never really cared that I was there, The whole year I stayed with him, All he did was drugs. So I was more than excited to come home to see my mom and step dad.

When I moved back in with mom, I went about trying to be a normal teenager. We moved to a different state and started new. My step dad never really forgave himself for sending me to live with my dad. It has been written on his face ever sense. I met a boy named Cable and fell in love, fast. We had been dating for almost a year when he broke up with me. I will never forget that pain. It was like someone had drove a knife into my heart. We talked for a little while after we broke up and were going to get back together, Until he told me I was heartless. That night I sat alone in my room crying and overdosed on anti-depressants. I was 15. I woke up in the hospital a week later, hating myself for still being alive. I never once wanted anything more than I wanted to die. When I was released from the hospital they sent me straight to an institute, where I detoxed. I spent two weeks there. Where I was told I was bipolar and put on daily meds.

In that same year, I met Justin. The man a eventually married. We dated for 6 months and I found out I was pregnant with Nathaniel. I was 16, Nothing could have compared me for that. I have never been as scared in my life as I was when I found out I was pregnant with that child, But I kept him. And decided to grow up. It was around the time I was 4 months pregnant with Nathaniel that Justin started beating on me. And I took it. I had promised my unborn son that I would not do to him what my parents did to me. At 6 months pregnant, he pulled me up the stairs of my porch by my hair. And still I took it. About 8 months into my pregnancy, He started cheating on me. And I still stayed. I loved him and no matter what he did, I believed that I could handle it. When Nathaniel was about 6 months old. (9 days after my 18 birthday). I married Justin. Because I thought I needed to do what was best for my son. And that is what was best. The beating just got worse and worse after that.

A year into our marriage, it was over. He chose to be with the girl he was cheating on me with, And he had introduced me to John, Who was the one to show me that I had the strength to leave and I did. When I left I took Nathaniel with me. One day that same summer my uncle was in the hospital for surgery, and me and Nathaniel had gone to be with him. Justin showed up at the hospital, grabbed Nathaniel out of my arms and left. At the time we were still married and there was nothing the cops could do. After that day, he started harassing me. Those were horrible, horrible times. As of January 29 of last year me and Justin are divorced and I no longer have custody of Nathaniel. I went into a deep depression. But I never once resorted to trying to kill myself again. I suffered through it the best I could. If it wouldn't have been for John, I would not be where I am at today

.

Shortly after, I found out I was Pregnant with Matthew, (John's son), I was 19. That little boy has changed my life in so many ways it is unreal. I've learned with him how to live life over again and how to see the good in people. He is in fact the tiniest thing I have every put myself into. If it wasn't for him, I would have never learned to see the good in people. He has shown me that my life is worth living.

I am 20 now, Nathaniel is 3 and Matthew is 9 months old. I still struggle everyday, But I refuse to give up. I have taken everything as a lesson. A painful lesson, but it had to be learned. That is why I am here. That is why I am doing what I am doing. You are not alone. I have been through it. I know your pain. And I promise you, It does get better. It takes time but it does. I doesn't have to end just because you feel like you can't take anymore. Something always comes along to show you, Life is worth living. And That you are strong. Mine was My youngest son. Yours, well that is for you to find out.

I wrote this in hopes that people wouldn't take the same path I did. In hopes that I can save just one life. And In doing so, I will have proven to myself that what I have been through has not been in vain, but for the greater good of all reading this. In know that I have made a difference my life will be complete.

Author's Note

"We do not get over grief, But over time, we do learn to live with the loss. We learn to live a different life... With our loss."

Reviews

[∂αʌ<..]

thank you for sharing...
and as i said before...tough times never last but tough people do!

[Eile MacIntyre]

Wow, you are strong. I don't think that I'd be able to spill my guts out like this, in a story, and let people read it. I can't imagine all of what you have suffered, though there are some things that I can relate to.
{Hugs}

[blue blue blue.]

This is so well written. Let me just say, you are so strong. Keep holding on girl, and if you ever need anything feel free to drop me a message.

[Lily Mae]

Thank you for sharing your journey with us all..xx

[joshua deathdealer]

Awesome. Well written story!! If I was negative all the time concerning my past I would lead a horrible life. Sure I get down from time to time but I try to stay positive and set an example for my daughter, wife and friends. Kudos. Love you Ali.

[Neva Flores Smith - Cha..]

A beautifully written story Ali. Thank you for sharing this with us.