Freezing Up

Why are we so cold?What happened to our warmth? We are the most evolved beings on this earth but what do we do with our knowledge? We hurt each other and push others out. We forget what really matters. We fight over petty things. We get sucked into a different world. A world of greed and hatred. We think only of money and how much of it will bring us.We forget our past, our struggles, ourselves.We forget our innocence. What was it once like to be happy, to not be filled with hate? What was it once like to view the world with open and free eyes? Is it still possible? Are we still there?

Author's Note

Do you think this passage could go anywhere?

Reviews

[Armistead Lindsey]

i would say break the passage up a bit and explore each idea a little bit more. the more you explain the more you give away so use with caution. you need to keep the reader hooked by giving them a taster of what will be explored. If you give them too many pieces in too small a quantity the brain will struggle to form it's own natural thought pattern while reading.
Pick out the key ideas you want to explore and section up the passage. a natural develop will form as you do so.
hope that helps.